I am the type of person that starts projects and doesn't seem to finish them. I get wrapped up in the excitement of the planning stages and the organizing, but then when it is time to carry out a task it can sometimes fall to the side. I have a closet full of unfinished projects - scrap booking, quilting, jewelry making, ebay selling, the list could go on and on. But, I started blogging over a year ago and have kept at it. I haven't really even thought about it as a project...more of a way to deal with the unrelenting grief that has surrounded me for more than a year now.
In the first weeks home from losing Trent I couldn't figure anything out to do. I returned to work right away in hopes I would feel "normal." I didn't sleep much and nothing felt right...anywhere. I was beyond a mess. I remember I would lay in bed at night and wait for the rhythmic breathing of Ken's sleep and then get up and search the Internet for anything that would help. I looked for support groups in Midland. I found a few and when i finally got in touch with someone they had disbanded or never started meeting. I googled things like "my son is dead" "how do I deal with this" "my baby died" I had no idea where to turn. Nothing helped. While I was hospitalized I had received hundreds of emails from people letting me know they were praying for our family. I started re-reading those. The comfort was beyond anything I could imagine. After Trent died the emails poured in with people giving suggestions on how to grieve. I didn't read them for a while. I just left them in my in box. When I finally got the courage to start reading them there were dozens from strangers who had heard of us or were praying for us. I had friends and friends of friends who had been where I was. And, the most helpful thing I think i got out of them was the blogging world. I started out by reading the blog of Angie Smith, wife to the singer in the Christian group Selah. Her daughter, Audrey, was diagnosed with a heart defect while in the womb. I started from the very beginning of the blog and read for hours straight. I sat at my computer and cried and cried as her words were my thoughts. I couldn't believe that this happened to others. Our stories are different in the fact that she had time to "prepare" for her loss and Trent was ripped away so quickly from me. But, the death of your child is not something that ever goes away. I read and reread every word she wrote. It brought me such "comfort" to know I wasn't crazy. I wasn't the only person who knew this pain. It was that blog that inspired me to start this one.
In the beginning the soul purpose of this blog was a place I could write what I couldn't say. The words would not come if I was trying to tell people how I was feeling. But, i could write them. I could sit in the quiet, darkness of our home and cry while I blogged about a life without my sweet boy. I cried for hours as I would write posts. I cried as I reread them...but, there was healing in the typing. And, the most amazing thing happened...people joined me on this journey. They weren't sitting next to me on the bed holding me as I cried...they were reading my words and crying with me. They were grieving with me and for me. They were holding my hand through the computer. I got emails and phone calls about what I wrote. It was amazing...my son was in their hearts and that meant more than anything else in the world.
Over the last year I feel like I have become "me." I didn't even know I needed to find me. But, after the death of my first child I found me. I found who was meant to be. I let down the walls that I had buried my heart behind. I spoke with honesty in my words and let them out there for the world to read. And, through that found me.
I can't believe it has been a year of blogging. I can't believe the amazing people I have met on this journey. I can't believe that I know what it means to lose a child.
But, here I am.