my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, February 14, 2011

heart day

My heart hurts tonight. I wish so much that this wasn't me. I wish I could step out of it. I wish I could pick a different story. I wish I didn't know this pain could even be. I wish I was whole again.

I was thinking back to a year ago today. It wasn't an easy time - the pain and grief so so fresh and raw it was over-powering most days. I remember I spent hours the weeks leading up to Valentine's day searching for the "perfect" mommy ring. I wanted a ring for my right hand that had Trent's birthstone. I felt like it would be part of him with me all the time. Hours. and more hours. Nothing "felt" right. I cried and would give up...go back to searching. I visited every site on the internet. I couldn't find anything that was just perfect. I now look back and realize that was because I was trying to fill a void that will never go away. The Saturday before Valentine's Ken suggested we go look at some local jewelry shops. I hated this idea. I hated to cry in front of people (I don't mind so much anymore because it happens so very often now.) I knew looking for a ring would be so emotional for me. But, we set out to look anyway. The first store we went in we were hounded by a sales guy. I wanted to slap him. I just wanted to look in peace!!! I finally told him that my son had died just the month before and I was looking for a birth stone ring in white gold. He was so helpful after that...funny how the death of your child makes people so much nicer. The first ring he showed me was "it." It was perfect. I NEVER buy the first anything I see! I am so indecisive. Did I mention the hours I had spent looking online?? But, this ring was perfect. I looked at Ken with tears in my eyes and without one word from me he said, "we will take it." It had to be sized and the sales man said it would take a week or so. I was so sad to leave without it. But, just about 2 hours later he called and said they had it done! He had told the jeweler our story and he put me at the top of the list. I remember I went back to pick it up and slipped it on my finger...and just cried. I walked to the car and thought, "I have both my boys always with me. Ken on my left hand and Trent on my right." It is kind of silly that a piece of jewelry could mean so very much. But, it was my way of having Trent with me every single day. I don't take it off.

I can't believe it has been a whole year. I can't believe he is still gone. My heart is still broken on this day of love. I just want a different ending. I want to go back and do it again. I want less pain, less grief, less brokenness. I want my first born.


Michele said...

We had my mother's ring designed. It's a claddaugh band, with Peter and I's birthstones on opposite sides of the design, and then those are followed by the boys stones on his side and the girls on mine. I love that ring. It was a long time coming but I cant imagine anything else.

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