my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, February 24, 2011

love

On the eve of 25 weeks with this little man I am more in love than I thought was possible ... again.

How is it you can love something so fully you haven't even held on the outside yet?

How is it you can be in love with every poke, twist or squirm?

How is it you can love so fully when really you don't even know the person yet?

I don't know...but I do know that I have loved twice this much. I loved Trent from the moment he was growing. I have loved Ian the same way. I had hesitations with Ian...I guarded my heart more. But, the love is so full, so rich, so powerful it is hard to deny.

A mother's love is so hard to explain...tonight Ken and I were laying belly to belly in bed...just one of those special moments where a husband wraps his arms around his wife to let her know she is loved and cherished...I got tears in my eyes as I laid there. I thought "here we are, the three of us." And, of course instantly knew something, someone - our firstborn - was and will be forever missing from the picture. I never doubt Ken's love for me...just the same way I never doubt my mom's love for me...I just hope I can love this little boy with that same love. I never want him to doubt my love because his big brother is already gone. I never want him to feel second best. I never want him to feel like a replacement child.

I love my boys - equally - and in such different ways. I know that is the way it is for most moms. I am one of six children. I would like to say I am the favorite, but my mom has always said she loves us all the same amount just in different ways. How could she love me the same way she loves my sisters? She can't - we are two different people. It is the same for my boys. Trent gave me things that I will never lose. He gave me the title of "mom." That title, even in his death, never went away. Trent gave me my first ultrasound, first morning sickness, first pregnant cravings. He gave me a chance to love in a way I didn't know was possible. Ian gives me hope. Ian gives me a reason to live again. Ian has given me longer to love him than my body let Trent give me. My every waking thought seems to revolve around this little boy. I love him so fully and can't wait to have him in my arms.

Two different lives - two different loves - one mommy.

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