my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Today is one of those days...the sad ones. They come and go. I can't predict why they come or when they will go. But, today I woke up heart broken.

I want BOTH of my boys!! I want to watch them grow up together. I want to know what it is like to be a mommy to two living children. And, I can't change it :( Most days I have fully grasped the fact that Trent is never coming back. I will not get to see him again until I am in heaven. But, some days - like today - I woke up thinking it must be a dream. It must not be true. It was all just a nightmare and I will wake up and he will be here. I hate days like today. I am so excited for the new life I am being blessed with. I just miss all that could be.

I feel selfish for even writing this blog. I have two in heaven and one in my belly. Why can't I just be grateful? I went years trying to concieve and thinking I would never have biological children...and here I have two. I have many many friends TTC and even more in the blogging world who have never concieved. I know that pain too. It makes my heart hurt to be this upset. I just want him back!!!!

I want to be a "normal" mommy. I want to be niave again. I don't want to know of this awful world that exsists where parents out live their children. How did I become part of it anyway? I did everything "right." I went to college, got married, and then had kids. But, none of that matters. It doesn't matter the color of my skin, the degree I hold, the amount of money I make. The death of a child doesn't only happen to "bad" people. It happens to every one. And, I HATE it!!! I hate it for all of us!

So, today I am sad. I am sad for the life I am missing with Trent. I am sad I will never get to watch Ian and Trent wrestle, or gang up on me, or laugh together, or play video games. I am sad I will never get to dress them in matching outfits for pictures. Today I am sad that Ian's big brother is in heaven. Today I feel sorry for myself. Today I would have liked to crawl back into bed and not face the world. But, I didn't. I came to work.

My heart is heavy...and my womb is full. It seems so off.


Marie W said...


Anonymous said...

We all have off days. ((HUGS))

Michele said...

Dont feel guilty. You are grateful. Completely.


Post a Comment

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved