my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

off

Today is one of those days...the sad ones. They come and go. I can't predict why they come or when they will go. But, today I woke up heart broken.

I want BOTH of my boys!! I want to watch them grow up together. I want to know what it is like to be a mommy to two living children. And, I can't change it :( Most days I have fully grasped the fact that Trent is never coming back. I will not get to see him again until I am in heaven. But, some days - like today - I woke up thinking it must be a dream. It must not be true. It was all just a nightmare and I will wake up and he will be here. I hate days like today. I am so excited for the new life I am being blessed with. I just miss all that could be.

I feel selfish for even writing this blog. I have two boys...one in heaven and one in my belly. Why can't I just be grateful? I went years trying to concieve and thinking I would never have biological children...and here I have two. I have many many friends TTC and even more in the blogging world who have never concieved. I know that pain too. It makes my heart hurt to be this upset. I just want him back!!!!

I want to be a "normal" mommy. I want to be niave again. I don't want to know of this awful world that exsists where parents out live their children. How did I become part of it anyway? I did everything "right." I went to college, got married, and then had kids. But, none of that matters. It doesn't matter the color of my skin, the degree I hold, the amount of money I make. The death of a child doesn't only happen to "bad" people. It happens to every one. And, I HATE it!!! I hate it for all of us!

So, today I am sad. I am sad for the life I am missing with Trent. I am sad I will never get to watch Ian and Trent wrestle, or gang up on me, or laugh together, or play video games. I am sad I will never get to dress them in matching outfits for pictures. Today I am sad that Ian's big brother is in heaven. Today I feel sorry for myself. Today I would have liked to crawl back into bed and not face the world. But, I didn't. I came to work.

My heart is heavy...and my womb is full. It seems so off.

3 comments:

Marie W said...

{hugs}

tasivfer said...

We all have off days. ((HUGS))

Michele said...

Dont feel guilty. You are grateful. Completely.

Hugs...

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