my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, March 31, 2011

high risk

I have had a tooth ache since 13 weeks. It isn't an awful, keep you awake, tear-making tooth ache...just a dull ache that from time to time flares up just a bit. I called my dentist at around 13 weeks to make an appointment and mentioned I was pregnant. They wanted a note from my OB before they would see me. My OB wanted to wait until my cerclage was placed to give me permission to go. So, I put it off. Last week the dull ache was growing to an ache most of the time. I called my OB and he said yes I could go! I called the dentist for another appointment and picked up my permission slip. I waited 45 minutes to be called back to be told I am too high risk to be seen during pregnancy. Really? UGH!

Being a high risk pregnant women is not all bad. I get to see Ian weekly via ultrasound, doctors take every little thing I say or worry about pretty seriously, and of course I am in the doctor's office so much I forget that I don't life there. But, it is hard too. I was talking to my little sister Cassie this week about my gestational diabetes and she said, "Gosh, it wears me out just hearing about your pregnancy!" Yep! It wears me out living through it too!! And, don't get my started on my poor hubby and all the moaning he has to listen too!!

I am 35 minutes away from 30 weeks!!!!! I have set many small goals along the way and 30 weeks was my last MAJOR milestone! There is nothing medically amazing about 30 weeks...I have just had the feeling if I could get to 30 weeks I will be bringing Ian home! And, WE ARE HERE!!!!!!! All my doctor's appointments, all my illnesses, all my issues, being high is all okay because we are in the 30th week!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! We are in the home stretch and Ian will be here before I know it!

People always tell me that once he is here I will forget how hard this pregnancy was...I really don't believe that! But, I do know it will all be worth it!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


When does it start to feel real?

I have days when I look around my home, quickly filling up with baby stuff, and it feels real. But, there are other days that I just can't let myself believe that this little miracle growing in my womb is mine. I know it is crazy. It is so hard for me to picture labor and delivery as a happy time, a time when they give me my son and don't take him back, a time when Ken and I share in the first cries from our second born. It is hard to imagine leaving the hospital with a baby strapped in the back seat ... and not just a memory box with his footprints.

I am feeling pretty miserably pregnant these days. My blood sugar is sky high from my gestational diabetes. I follow the plan the dietician gave me and still it seems to be getting higher and higher. I feel miserable most of the time because it stays too high. I have lots of pressure when I walk. I am beyond hormonal! And, of course getting fatter by the second. It is funny to think that I would complain...this is all I have ever wanted in my life...but, being pregnant is hard work!! My poor hubby is pretty worn out from all my moaning and groaning lately. I really want to be just seems to escape me lately.

I can't believe Friday is my "big" milestone!!! When I was first pregnant I set some dates...and asked you to pray along with me that we would make those dates. My first was making it to my cerclage - we sailed through surgery with no trouble. My next was making it to the point I lost Trent - this was a little harder. My emotions were raw and my heart was so very broken. But, we made it - passed it. Next came viability...24 weeks. Again, we sailed right through with no issues!! After the 24 week mark my next big goal was 30 weeks. Why 30 weeks? I am not exactly sure...but, my mom and I had said from the beginning if I could make it to 30 weeks it would be VERY likely that i would bring a baby home this time. So, here we are...days away from 30 weeks!!!!!!! I can't even believe it! 7 1/2 months pregnant! I don't have any other milestones set. I guess I wasn't exactly sure I would make it here! I can't believe I actually google "cerclage removal" these days! I can't believe I have come far enough that we are only six or seven weeks away from removal! Ian weighed 3 lbs 2 oz at last weeks ultrasound and according to the doctor should start gaining 1/2 a pound a week now until birth. The doctor told me his chances of survival now are 95%...and he followed that statement up with "but, I think we are going to make it to 37 or 38 weeks." God is so good!!! I just can't believe that my sweet boy is growing healthy and strong! It seems unreal!

When will it feel real??

Sunday, March 27, 2011

defining me

For a lot of months I felt like infant loss defined me.

When I was little my older brother and I had a rocky relationship to say the least. It is hard to explain in a few short sentences the lifetime of hate and hurt he has caused me. It has taken years...and will continue to take years to overcome the things he did and said to me. For many, many years I let his definition of me define me. He saw my life as pointless, meaningless, a problem, and most of all I was in the way. He spoke hurtful, hateful things into my heart as often as possible. Because of this I have felt worthless for years. He moved away when I was 16 and it was in the next few years that I actually was able to find "me" ... without his influence. I remember, as I shed many tears, my mom and dad telling me that focusing on him and what he did just made me more and more like him. I didn't understand that for years. But, as I look back I realize that the time I spent focusing on his anger and hatred towards me just made me more and more angry and more hateful.

I have never felt worthy...I have blogged about this feeling of inadequacy before...

Losing Trent only amplified those feelings for a while. In my grief I have dealt with much from the past. Two nights ago I was laying in bed talking with Ken and told him that in the past 15 months my focus has been on living again...not on the death. I haven't always felt like this. There were rough days. I have met women on this journey who get stuck in the death. They can never let go of that moment ... and death defines them. The death of my son will forever define the way I LIVE. There are moments when I can only think of that sweet, precious body that I held in my arms for such a short time. But, then I am reminded that God chose me to keep living. I still have more to live for. Sometimes I feel guilt for living again. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could go back to that hospital bed and never move forward.

For years I let my brother's view of me define who I was...I don't anymore.

For the last 15 months I have tried to make Trent's LIFE define who I am becoming...not his death.

I wish my definition didn't include infant death...but it does. But, more than anything his LIFE defines me...his precious 22 minutes on the outside and the almost six months I had him all to myself on the inside. His life forever gave me the title of mother. Yes, my life could be defined by infant death.

But, I would much rather be defined as the mom of a sweet baby boy named Trent, who fought hard for 22 minutes, graced this earth for such a short time, and then went home to be with his Maker.

It is hard. But, it is a choice. A choice to live again. A choice to not focus all of my energy on the death of my son. A choice to not become like him...dead on the inside because I spend all my time focusing on the death.

My life is defined by the life of my son. My life is worth living because God gave me his precious life to hold and carry. My life includes Ian because I had faith and courage enough to focus on his life instead of his death.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

that question

When I was about 8 or 9 I had this question that nagged at me for weeks. I just kept wondering about it and trying to figure out how it would happen or not happen. Finally, one night before bed I thought I would test my theory and try to get the question out of my head. I really wanted to know why when you fill a glass to the very top with ice and water as the ice melts why the water doesn't overflow. Silly - I know. But, it bothered me. I asked my parents and teacher but was not satisfied with their answer. So, one night I filled a glass to the very top with ice and water and left it on the counter. I figured when I got up in the morning it would either be all over the counter or not. Well, someone dumped my water out. I never got my answer. And, 20 years later I still sometimes wonder about that. I am sure I could ask my scientist husband and he would give me a rational answer. It is really not a big deal...but it is somthing I want an answer to. I know there is a simple, scientific answer. I just don't have it.

I feel the same way about my life most days. I can't tell you why my son died and someone else's lived. But, I am 100% sure in 20 years I will still want to know. I will still wonder the answer. It will not be an easy answer to find...if I evern find it. I may search my whole life for the answer and not know until I get to heaven. And, even then I may not like the answer.

So, for now I will be content. I will realize that God has a plan for us. There is a new song playing on klove right now by Laura Story. It is called "Blessings"

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I have heard it a lot lately (let's face it Klove likes to play the same song 1000x's when it is new). Each time I hear it I think that my blessings have come through the storm of my life. My healing has come through the endless tears I have cried for my son. I may never get the answer to my question...but I will hold on to the fact that I will see him again.

Monday, March 21, 2011

the way it was

I have so many friends online that I have come to know because they share the same heartache and pain that I do. Hundreds of them. Sad. It is so very sad that so many have lost a precious child. Yesterday I was chatting with one and couldn't remember how we "met." We went back to reread emails to see and tonight I went back and started reading all the ones sent in the days and weeks after Trent's birth and death. I didn't even remember most of them. I was in such a state of shock. There were dozens that I never even responded too. It seems strange now over a year later to send them a response. But, it was heartwarming to re-read the words that people took the time to write.

I remember the night they took Trent's body out of my hospital room I just laid in the hospital bed and read each and every message left for me on my Facebook wall, email, and text messages to Ken. We cried and cried together. The words were so heart felt and so moving. We heard from people we had not spoken to in years, close friends, family, strangers who were praying for us. I remember that time together being so special. I remember thinking our son mattered. It was after I read all those sweet comments that I went to hold his little body one more time. I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life without him. And, yet here i am doing just that.

It is hard to imagine the pain I felt in those days. It is hard to put it back into words. When I passed the one year mark I went back and re-read all my blog entries. I felt sorry for the girl I was. I couldn't see what was to come. I couldn't process that good truly would be in our life again. The emptiness that I felt for weeks and even months was beyond what I could have even imagined.

I remember so often back then feeling like I was standing all alone while the rest of the world moved forward. I felt like I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to make everything stop. I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out. I wanted to die. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought about our trip back home. We left the hospital two days after Trent died. We stayed with my sister in Daytona for a few days before coming back to Texas. I was dreading the airport. The airport was where it had all began. Ken and I arrived and I was almost in a comatose state. I felt like I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. When I think back on it now I think how strong my husband was to keep pushing me forward. He held my hand the whole time, dragging me through the airport. MCO is a very busy airport. I don't remember checking in, or checking our bags...the first thing I remember from that day was standing in line for security. There were children everywhere. Mothers screaming at their kids, dad's mad with their kids, kids crying. I looked around and thought "my son's ashes are in my husband's coat pocket." How could it be? How could these people not know?? How could they just still be living??? We had to have special papers to carry his ashes through security. We had to ship the urn home seperately. Ken carried the ashes all day in his jacket pocket. I wouldn't let him put them in the carry on. I remember my breasts were engorged with milk. I remember my whole body ached from the delivery just days before. I remember I had his memory box in my carry on...his foot prints, flowers from his funeral, the clothes he wore, his hospital bracelet...and the most broken heart. I remember Ken got me breakfast and I didn't eat it. I just held it in my hand. I just watched as the world passed me by as I sat with nothing left. I remember I got up to go to the bathroom and went to touch my had become habit while pregnant to rub...and I jerked my hand away knowing my womb was now empty. I went into the bathroom and cried. I remember boarding the plane. I remember when they called for families with small children...does a family with their son's ashes count I wondered? I don't remember much more. When we finally arrived home I was done. I wanted it to have all been a bad dream. I unpacked the urn and placed his ashes on my night stand. I cry now just thinking about how hard that was. How did we go from a healthy, happy baby to just his ashes?

The weeks and months that passed were hard. The road was so long. There were many moments when it would have been easier to give up then to press on. I don't understand how I am where I am to smile, laugh with my husband, go to baby showers, hold other babies, rejoice for the life inside of me. These are not things I thought would ever come. As I re-read the sweet words people sent me over a year ago I know a huge reason I am here is because of the love and support people showed us. I think the part that still hurts the most is that he will never be with us again in the physical. I have his pictures, foot prints, ashes...but, I will never have him with me again.

the sweetest video EVER

Sunday, March 20, 2011


This weekend Ken completed the task of switching rooms in our house around. His man cave became the nursery and our guest room became the man cave. We left the bed in the guest room for visitors and more importantly for a tired daddy or mommy who needs a quiet place to sleep once our little guy arrives. It is surreal to have a nursery in our house. I sat in the recliner today and just looked around the room. I got a little teary eyed. Tears of joy and of sadness. I feel very ready to bring this baby home. I have all the stuff ready. My baby shower is in 3 weeks so I know I will have even more fun stuff very soon.

Our house has gone from just Ken and Trisha to Ken, Trisha, and room for Ian. It is a strange thought...having a child here with us...for the next 18 or so years our lives will revolve around being parents. Our house will never again be just us. Our lives will never be just the two of us again. The loss of Trent was beyond devastating. It was hard to truly process all that we lost that day...but as we set up for our second son and prepare to bring him home in tangible ways it becomes even more clear. Yesterday I started putting all the clothes into the dresser. I stopped letting myself buy clothes because I know how many outfits we will receive at the shower and how quickly he will grow! I think I have about 15 outfits total that I bought for Ian and 5 or 6 I bought for Trent. They range from newborn to 9 months. As I folded and sorted Ian kicked and swished. I told him which outfits were his big brothers and how special it would be for him to wear them. Heartbreaking.

Today Ken and I started planning our summer vacation. Ian is due in the beginning of June with my cerclage being removed in late May. We are planning a visit to Florida for the end of July - first of August. We want to spend a few days with my family in Daytona and then spend the last two days taking Ian to Disney for the first time. Yes, I realize he will only be 8-12 weeks old and have no memory of Disney. But, mommy and daddy will remember and we will take lots of pictures! As we looked at hotel prices and flights it was so strange to watch Ken check the boxes - 2 adults, 1 child - crazy! I should really get used to it. This is my second child and still I can't imagine actually being a mommy. I struggled with infertility for so long it just doesn't seem possible.

I can't wait for our life with Ian. I can't wait to watch our lives transform from Ken and Trisha to Daddy and Mommy. I can't wait to watch him grow. I am beyond blessed. And, forever will be the mommy of one little boy in heaven and (God-willing) one here on earth.

Daddy's big ugly recliner will stay in the is not attractive but it sure is comfy for nursing and rocking!!

I had a hard time getting the whole room in the shot. But, here it is for the most part.

And, his crib :) Daddy is a pilot by trade (a teacher now) so we are doing the room in an aviation theme.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I dare say I have faith that this little one is coming home! I am giddy and excited at the thought of being a mommy again...this time to a live boy! We had our second 3D ultrasound today and Ian was so cute!!! I will post those pictures tomorrow as they are on a disk I left on my desk at work! It was so fun to watch him in 3D! I love all ultrasounds but this one we booked extra because you get to see him so clearly. Ken was with me and it was such a special time! I will leave you with a little shot from the outside...

7 weeks pregnant...

28 weeks pregnant...he has grown...just a tad :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ian James

I woke up this morning thinking how much different a year later looks.

March 15th a year ago I was still just a shell of a person...trying to figure out how to even get out of bed with the amount of grief surronding me. Tuesday's were the worst of the worst for me because that was the day he was born and died. This morning I was thinking how good God is to me. A year later and I am up to go see my second son via ultrasound. A year later and I have learned to live again. I walked down our stairs to see Ian's crib all put together and just waiting to be moved to teh nursery. A year ago I could not imagine even smiling on a Tuesday morning...and today I had joy and hope.

Ian was not as cooperative as we would have liked this morning. He kept his little hand in front of his face the entire time. We got a few good shots but they rebooked us for Thursday to try again. I left and cried. The pregnancy hormones got the best of me. I was just so excited at the idea of seeing him...and then it didn't go as planned. I think Ken and I both had mixed feelings. He doesn't look like Trent. Trent was like Ken's mini me. Ian looked a lot like me in the pictures and on the screen today. I think it really sets in even more that this is a totally different child...Trent gone forever. It is not that I ever thought they were the same person, but on some levels I had hoped Ian would look like Trent. And, of course we will not know for sure until he is born. But, it was strange today. I have had a dozen or more ultrasounds but today was the first 3D and it gives you a much better idea of his features. It is hard to put into words the emotions that go along with it...I love Ian more than I can even express and of course feel the same way about Trent.

Ken said it best, "I just want them both."

Monday, March 14, 2011

the time has come

to put together the nursery!!!!


The first box of nursery furniture arrived on Saturday and the rest arrived today. Ken has been out of town and got back this afternoon. We are going to start getting Ian's nursery ready tonight. I can't even believe it! It seems unreal that we would even need a nursery in our house...but we do!! I am beyond thrilled. The nerves from when I first ordered it have subsided and I am now ready to go!

I had a doctors appt today and my fundal height measures 34 weeks! It should be equal with how many weeks pregnant I am...Ian is a tad on the large side. I am beyond thrilled about that! I know that may sound strange but I want a happy, big, healthy baby boy!!

Tomorrow we have our just for fun 3D/4D ultrasound. I am beyond thrilled to have this time with Ken to see our baby boy up close!

Today I am SO excited about this pregnancy! My sugar has been high and the doctor is thinking they will have to medicate me within the next week or so. And, the high sugar levels have made me pretty dehydrated. But, I can handle it all!

My sweet baby boy is due in 88 days!!! My cerclage will come out in less than 2 months!

Praise GOD!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

a new day

I had lots of emails, phone calls, and texts after yesterday's post...I guess I was a tad bit upset last night.

Today is better. Today I feel much more confident. Today I realize how blessed I am to be 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my sweet Ian James.

Ken is out of town for a few days and I have a hard time dealing with life when he is gone. In June we will have been together six years. Six years ago I considered myself an independent woman...who didn't need anyone. Now, I have a life partner who completes me! And, I have some small issues when he leaves town. It is silly! But, I need this man!!

Saturday, March 12, 2011


that is how I feel. It is how i have felt since January 5, 2010. The feeling has never gone away. It has lessened...some...but is always there. I said it a lot in the beginning - "I failed my son." I stopped saying it because I got tired of people lecturing me and telling me not to feel that way. I really hate when people tell me how to feel. I hate when I have to hide my true feelings because I know putting them out there will lead to a lecture. I failed Trent. My body is broken. My broken cervix caused him to come into this world too early...and in that I failed him. I know it is not something I picked. It is not like I made the decision to drink a beer every night while I was pregnant and he was born with a birth defect. It is not like I made the choice to abort him. I loved him more than I can explain. I am broken beyond words by his death. But, in the end it is my body that failed him.

In the last few weeks as I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and gestational diabetes I have felt that same kind of failure. I feel like yet again my body is failing my child. It scares me. I know that these kinds of things happen to lots of pregnant woman and they go on to have healthy, happy babies. But, this is not my story happens to be that being diagnosed with a problem during pregnancy (incompetent cervix) leads to the death of your child. My brain can't seem to accept that these other things will not give me the same result.

My husband is visiting his parents this weekend. He asked me tonight when I wanted my in-laws to come after Ian was born. I said right away. He and I started talking about other stuff...the nursery furniture that arrived today, the heartburn that I am suffering from all the time, the fact that he is bringing back his first pair of cowboy boots for Ian...and I started to cry...sob actually. I can't help but think I will let everyone down again. I failed so many people when Trent husband was robbed of his first born son. My in-laws never got to spoil their first grandchild. My parents never got to watch him walk. My brothers and sisters never got to watch their children play with mine. Everyone lost something that day...because of me. I got off the phone with Ken and cried for a while longer. I am so scared to fail everyone again. I am a people pleaser by nature and worry that it will all happen again. Labor and birth resulted in death the last time...that is all I know. I can't even picture what it is like to have people visit you in the hospital to meet your living child. All I know is people coming to hold my son's cold, lifeless body. I can't imagine what it will be like to strap my son into his carseat for the first time and drive home. My first born took only one ride in a car...and it took him from the morgue to the funeral home. I can't imagine what it will be like to be at home and hear a baby cry. The only tears that came after Trent were from me and Ken. I don't know what it is like to be a mom to a living child. What if I fail him too?

My heart is heavy tonight. I so wish this wasn't my life. I wish I didn't know this pain. I wish my son was here with me...both of them.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I did it...

I took the plunge...

I ordered nursery furniture!

I have been waiting weeks for our tax return...the tax return that included Trent as our dependent for the only year he will ever be. The tax return that I took weeks longer than normal to file because I had to include a copy of his birth and death certificate. The tax return that marked the end of a year that included our son. I have called it "Trent's money" since I filed. I normally don't make a big deal out of our return. We normally don't get much back because I like to have a bigger pay check than wait for my return. But, this year the plan has been to buy nursery furniture. The money was in our account on Tuesday. I have had the furniture in my online "cart" for weeks. I could have ordered it 100x's, but I was waiting on "Trent's money." So, Tuesday I did it...right after I clicked "submit" I panicked...what if he doesn't get to use it? what if he doesn't come home either? what if we set the nursery up and we come home with empty arms again? UGH!!!! These are not normal thoughts when you are pregnant!!! I got an email today saying the furniture had shipped and should arrive Friday. I was giddy with excitement! My fear is still real but, so is my hope.

My 3rd trimester begins on Friday...well, according to most websites it begins Friday...some say it begins the following. I am going with this Friday! Who would have thunk it?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

glory baby

This morning I was reading a blog of a fellow baby loss mama...

this song by Watermark was playing as I read...

I have heard it 100 times since Trent died...

but, today part of it got stuck in my head...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…

I have thought bout these two little lines all day. In the beginning I searched for the answers that my heart felt like it needed to know...where was my sweet boy?? how was he in heaven?? who was he in heaven?? He was so tiny when he was born. He was so helpless. I needed to know that someone was holding him for me until I could get there and hold him again. It is still a thought that "haunts" me. I say haunt in quotes because I know he is head knows he is fine. I know he is complete in heaven. But, in what form?? I can only picture him as that sweet, precious, tiny baby that I held for such a short his mommy I need to know he is okay. I need to know someone is holding him for me. But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'til mom and dad can hold you... Oh, how my arms ache to rock my sweet boy...oh how my heart hurts for all the nights I should have rocked him to sleep. I have spent all day with these thoughts.

This morning I had a picture in my head that brought me some comfort...(I am not saying it is Biblical, theological, or anywhere near what it is like) but, for me today it has brought me peace.

For years I thought I would never carry a child of my own. I had no idea that I would get the chance and in what feels like the same breath have to say goodbye. But, I did. This morning I pictured the nursery in heaven...a room filled with rocking chairs with woman who wanted children of their own but never got them....grandmas who died before their grandchildren were born...moms who died during childbirth and didn't get to watch their kids grow up...a room filled with woman who have more love than they know what to do with...and they are holding our babies. They are rocking them...they are loving them...they are singing sweet lullabies in their ears...they are watching them until we can get there. It is a place where these woman are getting what they so desperately wanted in life and where our sweet children are loved beyond what we can imagine. These women get to spend eternity caring for children until their parents get to Glory. They are holding our sweet angels for us. I know it may sound crazy...but, it could be true. That room could sit in the middle of all the mansions and the streets of gold.

I need to know he is okay. I need to know that as I continue this life he is loved. I know Jesus can't hold all our sweet babies...I am hoping Trent has someone holding him for me. I hope she rocks him and tells him how much I love him. I hope she tells him I will be there one day to hold him again. I hope she tells him of his daddy.

Oh how I miss my boy.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I have shed a lot of them this week...

but, I want to back up just a little bit...

After I lost Trent I went into an almost coma-like state. I was functioning, but not living. I cried...all. the. time. I couldn't make sense of anything. I was beyond a wreck. I think back and wonder how I even managed to get out of bed and get dressed (and some days I didn't). But, about six weeks after he died I started seeing a therapist...I hated her! I switched to a Christian support group after infant loss and it was more than helpful. I still had lots of dark days. I finally made appointments for Ken and I both to start seeing the "crazy" doctor ... you know the one that rights you scripts for the "good" drugs. It took a few months of testing different drugs and combos of those drugs to get to a point where I felt like I could function and wasn't over medicated. I didn't sleep in the beginning so one of the most important were sleeping aids. I feel like about 7 months after he died my body had "adjusted" to the grief being there all the time and to the pills helping make me me again. It was 9 months after he died that I became pregnant with Ian.

The minute I found out I was pregnant I stopped all depression, anxiety, or sleeping medicine for me. I cut out all my pills for my IBS and everything else I was on. It was a little drastic but I didn't want to chance taking ANYTHING while pregnant. The genetic counselor and my OB told me the dosage of the pills that would be safe but I refused to take them. I thought I could just "survive." Not so much. I had a rough few may have noticed in my writing. At about 15 weeks, right after my cerclage was placed, I broke out in shingles...more than likely because of the stress I was putting myself under. It was about 5 weeks later that my mom pulled the "mom-card" and forced me back onto at least my thing I could have done! I hate HATE taking anything while pregnant...but it is a very small dose and it makes me "normal' again. I have been back on it for six weeks and I think it is the best for Ian...because a stressed mommy is a stressed baby.

ANYWAY - all of that is to say this - this last week I have felt super SUPER overwhelmed with this pregnancy (and don't worry mom I didn't miss any days of my pills). I have felt like my body is failing yet another child. I have high blood pressure and now gestational diabetes. I know that these are things that lots of pregnant woman deal with...I just felt overwhelmed with all the diagnosis' and pricks and tests...lots and lots of tears. I see my normal OB every other week and my high risk OB every week. I feel like I live at the doctor. I am glad they are keeping such a close eye on me and my little man...but I am stressed. I got the news on Wednesday that I failed my gestational diabetes test. I went to meet with the nurse on Thursday to get all of my info, testing kit, diet...all that good stuff. When they called me back to take my vitals I looked at my chart which now has a beautiful, large, pink sticker that says "DIABETIC" I cried. I then had to watch a video about being diabetic...and cried through the whole thing. The doctor came in and talked about being diabetic...I cried. I went to Walgreens to get all my supplies and prescription filled and as the pharmasict went over how to use everything...I cried. LOTS and LOTS of tears. I got home and Ken was making dinner...with rice...I can't have rice anymore...I cried. I just felt like such a failure. I took my blood pressure that night and the bottom number was 112. I have to call L&D if it is over 105. I called...laid on my left side for an hour as instructed...and cried. I felt like I had been crying all day at this point. It dropped low enough that I let myself go to sleep and not worry. I woke up yesterday morning and retook my blood pressure and the bottom number was back to 114. I didn't call the doctor right away...I laid on my left side and tired to relax. I took again 30 mins later and it was only down to 112. I called the nurse at the high risk ob...SOBBING...and she said go straight to L&D...but I was not allowed to drive myself. I called Ken at work...crying so hard he couldn't understand me... for me L&D = death. The last time I was ordered there my son died. It scares me more than I can put into words. My nurse from my normal OB called and said to come there first...their office is in the hospital. I was more than sobbing. I was a blubbering mess. Ken left work to come and get me...although I could have called a friend, a cab, or even walked (we live really close). But, I think he could tell I was beyond a mess. We went to the doctor first who took my blood pressure and immideatly sent us to L&D. Can I just say...I was crying. What a mess. The nurses hooked Ian up to the monitors first and he was SO active. The minute I heard that heart beat and felt him kicking away I think my blood pressure dropped by 30 points. They kept me hooked to monitors for the next few hours and finally I dropped into normal levels. They did blood work and everything checked out so I was sent home. I was done crying at that point.

Here is what I decided since yesterday: It is okay to be diabetic. I can handle it. I can eat the special diet. I can test my blood four times a day. I can do it...for Ian...for only about 10 more weeks. I WILL not test my blood pressure at home anymore. I see a doctor at least once a week...most of the time twice a week. They can monitor it for me. It is too much for me to keep track of. It scares me too much. I will discus this plan with the doctor and if he insists on me taking it I will let Ken do it and write it down without telling me. I can do this! I will enjoy these last few weeks with just my son. It is such a special time.

I will try to cry less.

UGH! too much stress...but, I will survive!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

his first shoes

A little over a year ago I wrote this post...

A sad day...realizing I would never get the chance to buy my child his first pair of shoes. I had no idea what the future held at that point. I could not even imagine Ian, or this pregnancy, or hope for that matter.

Yesterday, I had that chance. I bought Ian his first pair of shoes...and of course they were Nike's. There is nothing special about them being Nike's...just happened to be the same brand I blogged about. I tend to not be an impractical shopper. I have a hard time spending 40 bucks on a pair of infant tennis shoes when I know he will not even be walking. BUT, these little Shox were 40% that made it okay.

I have not made much progress on Ian's nursery...still scared. But, last weekend I painted the letters for his wall and Ken hung them. I cried. They were tears of joy and fear. What if I have to take them down? What if he never comes home? All of the baby stuff I purchased for Trent and the stuff I have bought since being pregnant with Ian is in the guest room. It is piled on the bed and in the window seat. I figure this way I can just close the door and not have to see it every day. I am thrilled to have it...just scared. When ever I buy anything new I always take it right to the guest room, toss it on the bed, and close the door. But, these little shoes I left on the kitchen counter last night. I woke up to them this morning. I just smiled at the sight of them. I can't believe I got to buy my sweet little son his first shoes. I can't believe even more that he is inside me, kicking, squirming, and growing. I am beyond blessed to experience it all again.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. UGH!! I mean come on...really! Let's just review this pregnancy shall we??? Stomach flu at 10 weeks landing me in the hospital for severe dehydrathion, cerclage placed at 14 weeks, shingles at 15 weeks (maybe the worst part of pregnancy yet), high blood pressure at 23 weeks, car accident at 24 weeks, and now gestational diabetes at almost 26 weeks...good grief! I was pretty upset last night when I finally got home and started processing it all. But, then I first son died...all this stuff is easy!!! If Ian arrives safely and alive than none of this will really have mattered at all! I only have about 10 weeks left before they take my cerclage out!!! The exact date has not been will depend on his size, growth, lung development, my blood get the idea. But, the high risk ob would like to see it come out around 35 weeks (ONLY 9 WEEKS FROM NOW!) and my normal ob is pushing for 36-37. We will see!

Amazing isn't it???

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

100 days!

100 days until my due date!!!!!! I am still not sure we will make it that far...but we are a lot further than I thought possible for my dumb, broken body!! 25 weeks and 4 days...AHHH! and of course my big man measures in at 26 weeks and 5 days. Who would have thunk it???

I have been thinking alot lately about what life will be like with a living child. I am a mommy, I have been a mommy for a while now, but for me being a mommy is different. I am the mom to a child in heaven. This brings on a whole different set of parenting rules. He is not here for me to put in time out, snuggle, calm down, or even just laugh with. I am his mommy - broken, imperfect, and human - and he is lucky enough to already be standing before the King. He doesn't need me anymore. Most infants need their moms - they get everything from them - food, comfort, love, shelther, nurturing, morals...the list could go on and on. But, my sweet Trent is already complete. His life is already over and he is standing on the streets of gold in heaven. What a wonderful life for him - but for me it is hard. It is hard to be the mom when your child no longer needs you. It is hard to grasp that he will never need me. It is hard to understand that I gave him life, loved him through every second of it, and it is all over.

However, God willing, Ian is a different story. Ian is growing healthy and strong inside my womb. God is knitting together Ian's life in a much different way that Trent's was...and for me that means I get to be a mommy on earth. I want to be the best mom every. I know every one thinks that. But, I was chatting with a friend the other night. She has a friend who is currently letting their child just cry it out at night...letting the child learn their schedule...teaching the baby to fit into their routine...instead of the other way around. I WILL NOT be that kind of mom. I think when you chose to have kids...they become your life. I am not saying I will not still enjoy shopping or quiet time to myself. But, my life will be raising a boy that loves God and will one day be a functioning member of society. I want to be like my mom...she believed in what ever we believed in. She loved us for us. She never pushed us to be someone else. I don't want to 'create' this person who lives my dreams. I want him to find his own way and I want to nurture him as he does. I don't expect a perfect child. I know the road will not be easy. I know at some point I will cry over his decsions as my mom has done lots of times over us. I want him to grow up loved, respected, and feeling like he has found his way. Does that make sense? I have laid awake the past few nights thinking all this through. I think we should approach parenting with clear thoughts and not just 'fly by the seat of our pants.' I am sure much of my view will change as I have the oppurtunity to raise a living child.

I can't wait to meet this little guy! I can't wait to show him the world! I can't wait to snuggle him and kiss him and give him all the love that I can. I can't believe I am far enough along that I have real hope he is coming home with us.

I am blessed.
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