my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

100 days!

100 days until my due date!!!!!! I am still not sure we will make it that far...but we are a lot further than I thought possible for my dumb, broken body!! 25 weeks and 4 days...AHHH! and of course my big man measures in at 26 weeks and 5 days. Who would have thunk it???

I have been thinking alot lately about what life will be like with a living child. I am a mommy, I have been a mommy for a while now, but for me being a mommy is different. I am the mom to a child in heaven. This brings on a whole different set of parenting rules. He is not here for me to put in time out, snuggle, calm down, or even just laugh with. I am his mommy - broken, imperfect, and human - and he is lucky enough to already be standing before the King. He doesn't need me anymore. Most infants need their moms - they get everything from them - food, comfort, love, shelther, nurturing, morals...the list could go on and on. But, my sweet Trent is already complete. His life is already over and he is standing on the streets of gold in heaven. What a wonderful life for him - but for me it is hard. It is hard to be the mom when your child no longer needs you. It is hard to grasp that he will never need me. It is hard to understand that I gave him life, loved him through every second of it, and it is all over.

However, God willing, Ian is a different story. Ian is growing healthy and strong inside my womb. God is knitting together Ian's life in a much different way that Trent's was...and for me that means I get to be a mommy on earth. I want to be the best mom every. I know every one thinks that. But, I was chatting with a friend the other night. She has a friend who is currently letting their child just cry it out at night...letting the child learn their schedule...teaching the baby to fit into their routine...instead of the other way around. I WILL NOT be that kind of mom. I think when you chose to have kids...they become your life. I am not saying I will not still enjoy shopping or quiet time to myself. But, my life will be raising a boy that loves God and will one day be a functioning member of society. I want to be like my mom...she believed in what ever we believed in. She loved us for us. She never pushed us to be someone else. I don't want to 'create' this person who lives my dreams. I want him to find his own way and I want to nurture him as he does. I don't expect a perfect child. I know the road will not be easy. I know at some point I will cry over his decsions as my mom has done lots of times over us. I want him to grow up loved, respected, and feeling like he has found his way. Does that make sense? I have laid awake the past few nights thinking all this through. I think we should approach parenting with clear thoughts and not just 'fly by the seat of our pants.' I am sure much of my view will change as I have the oppurtunity to raise a living child.

I can't wait to meet this little guy! I can't wait to show him the world! I can't wait to snuggle him and kiss him and give him all the love that I can. I can't believe I am far enough along that I have real hope he is coming home with us.

I am blessed.


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