my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, March 27, 2011

defining me

For a lot of months I felt like infant loss defined me.

When I was little my older brother and I had a rocky relationship to say the least. It is hard to explain in a few short sentences the lifetime of hate and hurt he has caused me. It has taken years...and will continue to take years to overcome the things he did and said to me. For many, many years I let his definition of me define me. He saw my life as pointless, meaningless, a problem, and most of all I was in the way. He spoke hurtful, hateful things into my heart as often as possible. Because of this I have felt worthless for years. He moved away when I was 16 and it was in the next few years that I actually was able to find "me" ... without his influence. I remember, as I shed many tears, my mom and dad telling me that focusing on him and what he did just made me more and more like him. I didn't understand that for years. But, as I look back I realize that the time I spent focusing on his anger and hatred towards me just made me more and more angry and more hateful.

I have never felt worthy...I have blogged about this feeling of inadequacy before...

Losing Trent only amplified those feelings for a while. In my grief I have dealt with much from the past. Two nights ago I was laying in bed talking with Ken and told him that in the past 15 months my focus has been on living again...not on the death. I haven't always felt like this. There were rough days. I have met women on this journey who get stuck in the death. They can never let go of that moment ... and death defines them. The death of my son will forever define the way I LIVE. There are moments when I can only think of that sweet, precious body that I held in my arms for such a short time. But, then I am reminded that God chose me to keep living. I still have more to live for. Sometimes I feel guilt for living again. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could go back to that hospital bed and never move forward.

For years I let my brother's view of me define who I was...I don't anymore.

For the last 15 months I have tried to make Trent's LIFE define who I am becoming...not his death.

I wish my definition didn't include infant death...but it does. But, more than anything his LIFE defines me...his precious 22 minutes on the outside and the almost six months I had him all to myself on the inside. His life forever gave me the title of mother. Yes, my life could be defined by infant death.

But, I would much rather be defined as the mom of a sweet baby boy named Trent, who fought hard for 22 minutes, graced this earth for such a short time, and then went home to be with his Maker.

It is hard. But, it is a choice. A choice to live again. A choice to not focus all of my energy on the death of my son. A choice to not become like him...dead on the inside because I spend all my time focusing on the death.

My life is defined by the life of my son. My life is worth living because God gave me his precious life to hold and carry. My life includes Ian because I had faith and courage enough to focus on his life instead of his death.


Terra said...

I love how you related this. The scripture comes to mind so strongly. All things work together for the good of those that love Christ Jesus and are called according to his purpose.

Did he ordain the death of Trent? Did he ordain the dysfunction you experienced from your brother? I absolutely believe not. But I can see, just by reading your words and feeling those emotions jump from the page, that He [God] IS working and weaving it all together for a most blessed journey!

Love you girl!

Brittni said...


Michele said...

It is a choice and, ultimately, I truly believe we have to make the choice to let their lives be our faces, even though it still hurts.

Lisette said...

Proud of you ((HUGS))

Mary said...

Well said. I am glad you have the courage to put this on paper; to refuse to allow yourself to dwell on his death. You are the momma of a strong little boy; one who fought for his life. And you will soon be the momma of another little were put here for a reason. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

It's soooo hard learning to live in these circumstances, but you're doing a MARVELOUS job!

And I'd just like to point out you're in the THIRD trimester and almost THIRTY weeks!!! EEEEEKKKKK SSSQQQUUUEEALLLL!!! :-D

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