my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, March 12, 2011

failure

that is how I feel. It is how i have felt since January 5, 2010. The feeling has never gone away. It has lessened...some...but is always there. I said it a lot in the beginning - "I failed my son." I stopped saying it because I got tired of people lecturing me and telling me not to feel that way. I really hate when people tell me how to feel. I hate when I have to hide my true feelings because I know putting them out there will lead to a lecture. I failed Trent. My body is broken. My broken cervix caused him to come into this world too early...and in that I failed him. I know it is not something I picked. It is not like I made the decision to drink a beer every night while I was pregnant and he was born with a birth defect. It is not like I made the choice to abort him. I loved him more than I can explain. I am broken beyond words by his death. But, in the end it is my body that failed him.

In the last few weeks as I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and gestational diabetes I have felt that same kind of failure. I feel like yet again my body is failing my child. It scares me. I know that these kinds of things happen to lots of pregnant woman and they go on to have healthy, happy babies. But, this is not my story...my story happens to be that being diagnosed with a problem during pregnancy (incompetent cervix) leads to the death of your child. My brain can't seem to accept that these other things will not give me the same result.

My husband is visiting his parents this weekend. He asked me tonight when I wanted my in-laws to come after Ian was born. I said right away. He and I started talking about other stuff...the nursery furniture that arrived today, the heartburn that I am suffering from all the time, the fact that he is bringing back his first pair of cowboy boots for Ian...and I started to cry...sob actually. I can't help but think I will let everyone down again. I failed so many people when Trent died...my husband was robbed of his first born son. My in-laws never got to spoil their first grandchild. My parents never got to watch him walk. My brothers and sisters never got to watch their children play with mine. Everyone lost something that day...because of me. I got off the phone with Ken and cried for a while longer. I am so scared to fail everyone again. I am a people pleaser by nature and worry that it will all happen again. Labor and birth resulted in death the last time...that is all I know. I can't even picture what it is like to have people visit you in the hospital to meet your living child. All I know is people coming to hold my son's cold, lifeless body. I can't imagine what it will be like to strap my son into his carseat for the first time and drive home. My first born took only one ride in a car...and it took him from the morgue to the funeral home. I can't imagine what it will be like to be at home and hear a baby cry. The only tears that came after Trent were from me and Ken. I don't know what it is like to be a mom to a living child. What if I fail him too?

My heart is heavy tonight. I so wish this wasn't my life. I wish I didn't know this pain. I wish my son was here with me...both of them.

2 comments:

Jana Farley said...

Trisha, Praying for you today!

The world of the generous gets larger and larger and larger....The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.
Proverbs 11:24-25

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
Psalm 36:5 NIV

You've always been great toward me-what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster!...You, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit.
Psalm 86:13,15 MSG

My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me.
Psalm 59:10 TLB

Trisha, I love you, and am praying for you today! You are such a sweet, kind and loving person...through your tears and anxiety you can help someone going through the same things you went through. Praying that we bind Satan today-fear can trap you-I had a fearful night last night as well. Don't know why-just couldn't sleep or rest my mind. Everyone has the feelings you are having today! Satan wants us to feel like we are failures-there is nothing wrong with those feelings of failure. I just feel like when I let it consume my life then I am not remembering the promises of Christ.

Jana

LookItsJessica said...

Trisha--

I feel the same way sometimes. Like I failed my son and my family. I try to think of it like this: if my baby came home at full term and healthy, I wouldnt feel like I was the one who deserved praise, and I dont think my family would hold me responsible for it. We are not powerful enough to control this. Its up to God.

Post a Comment

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved