my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, March 6, 2011

glory baby

This morning I was reading a blog of a fellow baby loss mama...

this song by Watermark was playing as I read...

I have heard it 100 times since Trent died...

but, today part of it got stuck in my head...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…

I have thought bout these two little lines all day. In the beginning I searched for the answers that my heart felt like it needed to know...where was my sweet boy?? how was he in heaven?? who was he in heaven?? He was so tiny when he was born. He was so helpless. I needed to know that someone was holding him for me until I could get there and hold him again. It is still a thought that "haunts" me. I say haunt in quotes because I know he is head knows he is fine. I know he is complete in heaven. But, in what form?? I can only picture him as that sweet, precious, tiny baby that I held for such a short his mommy I need to know he is okay. I need to know someone is holding him for me. But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'til mom and dad can hold you... Oh, how my arms ache to rock my sweet boy...oh how my heart hurts for all the nights I should have rocked him to sleep. I have spent all day with these thoughts.

This morning I had a picture in my head that brought me some comfort...(I am not saying it is Biblical, theological, or anywhere near what it is like) but, for me today it has brought me peace.

For years I thought I would never carry a child of my own. I had no idea that I would get the chance and in what feels like the same breath have to say goodbye. But, I did. This morning I pictured the nursery in heaven...a room filled with rocking chairs with woman who wanted children of their own but never got them....grandmas who died before their grandchildren were born...moms who died during childbirth and didn't get to watch their kids grow up...a room filled with woman who have more love than they know what to do with...and they are holding our babies. They are rocking them...they are loving them...they are singing sweet lullabies in their ears...they are watching them until we can get there. It is a place where these woman are getting what they so desperately wanted in life and where our sweet children are loved beyond what we can imagine. These women get to spend eternity caring for children until their parents get to Glory. They are holding our sweet angels for us. I know it may sound crazy...but, it could be true. That room could sit in the middle of all the mansions and the streets of gold.

I need to know he is okay. I need to know that as I continue this life he is loved. I know Jesus can't hold all our sweet babies...I am hoping Trent has someone holding him for me. I hope she rocks him and tells him how much I love him. I hope she tells him I will be there one day to hold him again. I hope she tells him of his daddy.

Oh how I miss my boy.


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