my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, March 3, 2011

his first shoes

A little over a year ago I wrote this post...

A sad day...realizing I would never get the chance to buy my child his first pair of shoes. I had no idea what the future held at that point. I could not even imagine Ian, or this pregnancy, or hope for that matter.

Yesterday, I had that chance. I bought Ian his first pair of shoes...and of course they were Nike's. There is nothing special about them being Nike's...just happened to be the same brand I blogged about. I tend to not be an impractical shopper. I have a hard time spending 40 bucks on a pair of infant tennis shoes when I know he will not even be walking. BUT, these little Shox were 40% that made it okay.

I have not made much progress on Ian's nursery...still scared. But, last weekend I painted the letters for his wall and Ken hung them. I cried. They were tears of joy and fear. What if I have to take them down? What if he never comes home? All of the baby stuff I purchased for Trent and the stuff I have bought since being pregnant with Ian is in the guest room. It is piled on the bed and in the window seat. I figure this way I can just close the door and not have to see it every day. I am thrilled to have it...just scared. When ever I buy anything new I always take it right to the guest room, toss it on the bed, and close the door. But, these little shoes I left on the kitchen counter last night. I woke up to them this morning. I just smiled at the sight of them. I can't believe I got to buy my sweet little son his first shoes. I can't believe even more that he is inside me, kicking, squirming, and growing. I am beyond blessed to experience it all again.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. UGH!! I mean come on...really! Let's just review this pregnancy shall we??? Stomach flu at 10 weeks landing me in the hospital for severe dehydrathion, cerclage placed at 14 weeks, shingles at 15 weeks (maybe the worst part of pregnancy yet), high blood pressure at 23 weeks, car accident at 24 weeks, and now gestational diabetes at almost 26 weeks...good grief! I was pretty upset last night when I finally got home and started processing it all. But, then I first son died...all this stuff is easy!!! If Ian arrives safely and alive than none of this will really have mattered at all! I only have about 10 weeks left before they take my cerclage out!!! The exact date has not been will depend on his size, growth, lung development, my blood get the idea. But, the high risk ob would like to see it come out around 35 weeks (ONLY 9 WEEKS FROM NOW!) and my normal ob is pushing for 36-37. We will see!

Amazing isn't it???


Anonymous said...

2 weeks until you're in the 3rd trimester!! Potentially 9 weeks until Ian arrives!!! You've had such a rough pregnancy, but it is better than your last. I'm so sorry about the GD, however this is all about making SURE things are healthy. It's better knowing you have it than living in a time or place where you don't know about it - or can't have a cerclage. And I know you'd do anything for your sons. On balance there's definitely more good than bad - and such cute shoes!!! :-D

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