my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ian James





I woke up this morning thinking how much different a year later looks.

March 15th a year ago I was still just a shell of a person...trying to figure out how to even get out of bed with the amount of grief surronding me. Tuesday's were the worst of the worst for me because that was the day he was born and died. This morning I was thinking how good God is to me. A year later and I am up to go see my second son via ultrasound. A year later and I have learned to live again. I walked down our stairs to see Ian's crib all put together and just waiting to be moved to teh nursery. A year ago I could not imagine even smiling on a Tuesday morning...and today I had joy and hope.

Ian was not as cooperative as we would have liked this morning. He kept his little hand in front of his face the entire time. We got a few good shots but they rebooked us for Thursday to try again. I left and cried. The pregnancy hormones got the best of me. I was just so excited at the idea of seeing him...and then it didn't go as planned. I think Ken and I both had mixed feelings. He doesn't look like Trent. Trent was like Ken's mini me. Ian looked a lot like me in the pictures and on the screen today. I think it really sets in even more that this is a totally different child...Trent gone forever. It is not that I ever thought they were the same person, but on some levels I had hoped Ian would look like Trent. And, of course we will not know for sure until he is born. But, it was strange today. I have had a dozen or more ultrasounds but today was the first 3D and it gives you a much better idea of his features. It is hard to put into words the emotions that go along with it...I love Ian more than I can even express and of course feel the same way about Trent.

Ken said it best, "I just want them both."

4 comments:

Michele said...

We have those talks a lot... We both wish we could have all of them here with us...

I wish that for you too.

Terra said...

(((hugs))) Teary eyed as I read this

Jill said...

XOXO

Sherri said...

I wish they were both with you too.... hugs!
Hopefully Ian cooperates better for you tomorrow!

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