When does it start to feel real?
I have days when I look around my home, quickly filling up with baby stuff, and it feels real. But, there are other days that I just can't let myself believe that this little miracle growing in my womb is mine. I know it is crazy. It is so hard for me to picture labor and delivery as a happy time, a time when they give me my son and don't take him back, a time when Ken and I share in the first cries from our second born. It is hard to imagine leaving the hospital with a baby strapped in the back seat ... and not just a memory box with his footprints.
I am feeling pretty miserably pregnant these days. My blood sugar is sky high from my gestational diabetes. I follow the plan the dietician gave me and still it seems to be getting higher and higher. I feel miserable most of the time because it stays too high. I have lots of pressure when I walk. I am beyond hormonal! And, of course getting fatter by the second. It is funny to think that I would complain...this is all I have ever wanted in my life...but, being pregnant is hard work!! My poor hubby is pretty worn out from all my moaning and groaning lately. I really want to be pleasant...it just seems to escape me lately.
I can't believe Friday is my "big" milestone!!! When I was first pregnant I set some dates...and asked you to pray along with me that we would make those dates. My first was making it to my cerclage - we sailed through surgery with no trouble. My next was making it to the point I lost Trent - this was a little harder. My emotions were raw and my heart was so very broken. But, we made it - passed it. Next came viability...24 weeks. Again, we sailed right through with no issues!! After the 24 week mark my next big goal was 30 weeks. Why 30 weeks? I am not exactly sure...but, my mom and I had said from the beginning if I could make it to 30 weeks it would be VERY likely that i would bring a baby home this time. So, here we are...days away from 30 weeks!!!!!!! I can't even believe it! 7 1/2 months pregnant! I don't have any other milestones set. I guess I wasn't exactly sure I would make it here! I can't believe I actually google "cerclage removal" these days! I can't believe I have come far enough that we are only six or seven weeks away from removal! Ian weighed 3 lbs 2 oz at last weeks ultrasound and according to the doctor should start gaining 1/2 a pound a week now until birth. The doctor told me his chances of survival now are 95%...and he followed that statement up with "but, I think we are going to make it to 37 or 38 weeks." God is so good!!! I just can't believe that my sweet boy is growing healthy and strong! It seems unreal!
When will it feel real??