my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

real

When does it start to feel real?

I have days when I look around my home, quickly filling up with baby stuff, and it feels real. But, there are other days that I just can't let myself believe that this little miracle growing in my womb is mine. I know it is crazy. It is so hard for me to picture labor and delivery as a happy time, a time when they give me my son and don't take him back, a time when Ken and I share in the first cries from our second born. It is hard to imagine leaving the hospital with a baby strapped in the back seat ... and not just a memory box with his footprints.

I am feeling pretty miserably pregnant these days. My blood sugar is sky high from my gestational diabetes. I follow the plan the dietician gave me and still it seems to be getting higher and higher. I feel miserable most of the time because it stays too high. I have lots of pressure when I walk. I am beyond hormonal! And, of course getting fatter by the second. It is funny to think that I would complain...this is all I have ever wanted in my life...but, being pregnant is hard work!! My poor hubby is pretty worn out from all my moaning and groaning lately. I really want to be pleasant...it just seems to escape me lately.

I can't believe Friday is my "big" milestone!!! When I was first pregnant I set some dates...and asked you to pray along with me that we would make those dates. My first was making it to my cerclage - we sailed through surgery with no trouble. My next was making it to the point I lost Trent - this was a little harder. My emotions were raw and my heart was so very broken. But, we made it - passed it. Next came viability...24 weeks. Again, we sailed right through with no issues!! After the 24 week mark my next big goal was 30 weeks. Why 30 weeks? I am not exactly sure...but, my mom and I had said from the beginning if I could make it to 30 weeks it would be VERY likely that i would bring a baby home this time. So, here we are...days away from 30 weeks!!!!!!! I can't even believe it! 7 1/2 months pregnant! I don't have any other milestones set. I guess I wasn't exactly sure I would make it here! I can't believe I actually google "cerclage removal" these days! I can't believe I have come far enough that we are only six or seven weeks away from removal! Ian weighed 3 lbs 2 oz at last weeks ultrasound and according to the doctor should start gaining 1/2 a pound a week now until birth. The doctor told me his chances of survival now are 95%...and he followed that statement up with "but, I think we are going to make it to 37 or 38 weeks." God is so good!!! I just can't believe that my sweet boy is growing healthy and strong! It seems unreal!

When will it feel real??

3 comments:

Sherri said...

hurray for 30 weeks, hope you feel better in the days and weeks to come, and can't wait to see pictures of Ian when he comes screaming into this world!

Heather said...

My little guy has been home for 3 months, and some days it still doesn't feel real!!!

Sarah Erwin said...

Praying for peace that passes all understanding for the remainder of your pregnancy!!

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