my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, March 5, 2011

tears

I have shed a lot of them this week...

but, I want to back up just a little bit...

After I lost Trent I went into an almost coma-like state. I was functioning, but not living. I cried...all. the. time. I couldn't make sense of anything. I was beyond a wreck. I think back and wonder how I even managed to get out of bed and get dressed (and some days I didn't). But, about six weeks after he died I started seeing a therapist...I hated her! I switched to a Christian support group after infant loss and it was more than helpful. I still had lots of dark days. I finally made appointments for Ken and I both to start seeing the "crazy" doctor ... you know the one that rights you scripts for the "good" drugs. It took a few months of testing different drugs and combos of those drugs to get to a point where I felt like I could function and wasn't over medicated. I didn't sleep in the beginning so one of the most important were sleeping aids. I feel like about 7 months after he died my body had "adjusted" to the grief being there all the time and to the pills helping make me me again. It was 9 months after he died that I became pregnant with Ian.

The minute I found out I was pregnant I stopped all drugs...no depression, anxiety, or sleeping medicine for me. I cut out all my pills for my IBS and everything else I was on. It was a little drastic but I didn't want to chance taking ANYTHING while pregnant. The genetic counselor and my OB told me the dosage of the pills that would be safe but I refused to take them. I thought I could just "survive." Not so much. I had a rough few months...you may have noticed in my writing. At about 15 weeks, right after my cerclage was placed, I broke out in shingles...more than likely because of the stress I was putting myself under. It was about 5 weeks later that my mom pulled the "mom-card" and forced me back onto at least my Prozac....best thing I could have done! I hate HATE taking anything while pregnant...but it is a very small dose and it makes me "normal' again. I have been back on it for six weeks and I think it is the best for Ian...because a stressed mommy is a stressed baby.

ANYWAY - all of that is to say this - this last week I have felt super SUPER overwhelmed with this pregnancy (and don't worry mom I didn't miss any days of my pills). I have felt like my body is failing yet another child. I have high blood pressure and now gestational diabetes. I know that these are things that lots of pregnant woman deal with...I just felt overwhelmed with all the diagnosis' and pricks and tests...lots and lots of tears. I see my normal OB every other week and my high risk OB every week. I feel like I live at the doctor. I am glad they are keeping such a close eye on me and my little man...but I am stressed. I got the news on Wednesday that I failed my gestational diabetes test. I went to meet with the nurse on Thursday to get all of my info, testing kit, diet...all that good stuff. When they called me back to take my vitals I looked at my chart which now has a beautiful, large, pink sticker that says "DIABETIC" I cried. I then had to watch a video about being diabetic...and cried through the whole thing. The doctor came in and talked about being diabetic...I cried. I went to Walgreens to get all my supplies and prescription filled and as the pharmasict went over how to use everything...I cried. LOTS and LOTS of tears. I got home and Ken was making dinner...with rice...I can't have rice anymore...I cried. I just felt like such a failure. I took my blood pressure that night and the bottom number was 112. I have to call L&D if it is over 105. I called...laid on my left side for an hour as instructed...and cried. I felt like I had been crying all day at this point. It dropped low enough that I let myself go to sleep and not worry. I woke up yesterday morning and retook my blood pressure and the bottom number was back to 114. I didn't call the doctor right away...I laid on my left side and tired to relax. I took again 30 mins later and it was only down to 112. I called the nurse at the high risk ob...SOBBING...and she said go straight to L&D...but I was not allowed to drive myself. I called Ken at work...crying so hard he couldn't understand me... for me L&D = death. The last time I was ordered there my son died. It scares me more than I can put into words. My nurse from my normal OB called and said to come there first...their office is in the hospital. I was more than sobbing. I was a blubbering mess. Ken left work to come and get me...although I could have called a friend, a cab, or even walked (we live really close). But, I think he could tell I was beyond a mess. We went to the doctor first who took my blood pressure and immideatly sent us to L&D. Can I just say...I was crying. What a mess. The nurses hooked Ian up to the monitors first and he was SO active. The minute I heard that heart beat and felt him kicking away I think my blood pressure dropped by 30 points. They kept me hooked to monitors for the next few hours and finally I dropped into normal levels. They did blood work and everything checked out so I was sent home. I was done crying at that point.

Here is what I decided since yesterday: It is okay to be diabetic. I can handle it. I can eat the special diet. I can test my blood four times a day. I can do it...for Ian...for only about 10 more weeks. I WILL not test my blood pressure at home anymore. I see a doctor at least once a week...most of the time twice a week. They can monitor it for me. It is too much for me to keep track of. It scares me too much. I will discus this plan with the doctor and if he insists on me taking it I will let Ken do it and write it down without telling me. I can do this! I will enjoy these last few weeks with just my son. It is such a special time.

I will try to cry less.

UGH! too much stress...but, I will survive!

2 comments:

Terra said...

(((hugs)))

I can't imagine that heart gripping fear when they told you to go to L&D. I teared up reading that tonight!

I'm so amazed at your strength and determination! Love ya!

michelle hs said...

oh! i'm so sorry that you have gestational diabetes...not fun! but, i'm glad that you are doing what you need to do to enjoy every minute of these last few weeks of your pregnancy. you're right, you can handle this. you are a strong woman; a stong mother. you already have been doing the most difficult job of mothering trent when he can't be with you and now you are going to have your second son in just a few weeks! i'm so proud of you! keep up the good work mama...hugs!

Post a Comment

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved