I have shed a lot of them this week...
but, I want to back up just a little bit...
After I lost Trent I went into an almost coma-like state. I was functioning, but not living. I cried...all. the. time. I couldn't make sense of anything. I was beyond a wreck. I think back and wonder how I even managed to get out of bed and get dressed (and some days I didn't). But, about six weeks after he died I started seeing a therapist...I hated her! I switched to a Christian support group after infant loss and it was more than helpful. I still had lots of dark days. I finally made appointments for Ken and I both to start seeing the "crazy" doctor ... you know the one that rights you scripts for the "good" drugs. It took a few months of testing different drugs and combos of those drugs to get to a point where I felt like I could function and wasn't over medicated. I didn't sleep in the beginning so one of the most important were sleeping aids. I feel like about 7 months after he died my body had "adjusted" to the grief being there all the time and to the pills helping make me me again. It was 9 months after he died that I became pregnant with Ian.
The minute I found out I was pregnant I stopped all drugs...no depression, anxiety, or sleeping medicine for me. I cut out all my pills for my IBS and everything else I was on. It was a little drastic but I didn't want to chance taking ANYTHING while pregnant. The genetic counselor and my OB told me the dosage of the pills that would be safe but I refused to take them. I thought I could just "survive." Not so much. I had a rough few months...you may have noticed in my writing. At about 15 weeks, right after my cerclage was placed, I broke out in shingles...more than likely because of the stress I was putting myself under. It was about 5 weeks later that my mom pulled the "mom-card" and forced me back onto at least my Prozac....best thing I could have done! I hate HATE taking anything while pregnant...but it is a very small dose and it makes me "normal' again. I have been back on it for six weeks and I think it is the best for Ian...because a stressed mommy is a stressed baby.
ANYWAY - all of that is to say this - this last week I have felt super SUPER overwhelmed with this pregnancy (and don't worry mom I didn't miss any days of my pills). I have felt like my body is failing yet another child. I have high blood pressure and now gestational diabetes. I know that these are things that lots of pregnant woman deal with...I just felt overwhelmed with all the diagnosis' and pricks and tests...lots and lots of tears. I see my normal OB every other week and my high risk OB every week. I feel like I live at the doctor. I am glad they are keeping such a close eye on me and my little man...but I am stressed. I got the news on Wednesday that I failed my gestational diabetes test. I went to meet with the nurse on Thursday to get all of my info, testing kit, diet...all that good stuff. When they called me back to take my vitals I looked at my chart which now has a beautiful, large, pink sticker that says "DIABETIC" I cried. I then had to watch a video about being diabetic...and cried through the whole thing. The doctor came in and talked about being diabetic...I cried. I went to Walgreens to get all my supplies and prescription filled and as the pharmasict went over how to use everything...I cried. LOTS and LOTS of tears. I got home and Ken was making dinner...with rice...I can't have rice anymore...I cried. I just felt like such a failure. I took my blood pressure that night and the bottom number was 112. I have to call L&D if it is over 105. I called...laid on my left side for an hour as instructed...and cried. I felt like I had been crying all day at this point. It dropped low enough that I let myself go to sleep and not worry. I woke up yesterday morning and retook my blood pressure and the bottom number was back to 114. I didn't call the doctor right away...I laid on my left side and tired to relax. I took again 30 mins later and it was only down to 112. I called the nurse at the high risk ob...SOBBING...and she said go straight to L&D...but I was not allowed to drive myself. I called Ken at work...crying so hard he couldn't understand me... for me L&D = death. The last time I was ordered there my son died. It scares me more than I can put into words. My nurse from my normal OB called and said to come there first...their office is in the hospital. I was more than sobbing. I was a blubbering mess. Ken left work to come and get me...although I could have called a friend, a cab, or even walked (we live really close). But, I think he could tell I was beyond a mess. We went to the doctor first who took my blood pressure and immideatly sent us to L&D. Can I just say...I was crying. What a mess. The nurses hooked Ian up to the monitors first and he was SO active. The minute I heard that heart beat and felt him kicking away I think my blood pressure dropped by 30 points. They kept me hooked to monitors for the next few hours and finally I dropped into normal levels. They did blood work and everything checked out so I was sent home. I was done crying at that point.
Here is what I decided since yesterday: It is okay to be diabetic. I can handle it. I can eat the special diet. I can test my blood four times a day. I can do it...for Ian...for only about 10 more weeks. I WILL not test my blood pressure at home anymore. I see a doctor at least once a week...most of the time twice a week. They can monitor it for me. It is too much for me to keep track of. It scares me too much. I will discus this plan with the doctor and if he insists on me taking it I will let Ken do it and write it down without telling me. I can do this! I will enjoy these last few weeks with just my son. It is such a special time.
I will try to cry less.
UGH! too much stress...but, I will survive!