my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

that question

When I was about 8 or 9 I had this question that nagged at me for weeks. I just kept wondering about it and trying to figure out how it would happen or not happen. Finally, one night before bed I thought I would test my theory and try to get the question out of my head. I really wanted to know why when you fill a glass to the very top with ice and water as the ice melts why the water doesn't overflow. Silly - I know. But, it bothered me. I asked my parents and teacher but was not satisfied with their answer. So, one night I filled a glass to the very top with ice and water and left it on the counter. I figured when I got up in the morning it would either be all over the counter or not. Well, someone dumped my water out. I never got my answer. And, 20 years later I still sometimes wonder about that. I am sure I could ask my scientist husband and he would give me a rational answer. It is really not a big deal...but it is somthing I want an answer to. I know there is a simple, scientific answer. I just don't have it.

I feel the same way about my life most days. I can't tell you why my son died and someone else's lived. But, I am 100% sure in 20 years I will still want to know. I will still wonder the answer. It will not be an easy answer to find...if I evern find it. I may search my whole life for the answer and not know until I get to heaven. And, even then I may not like the answer.

So, for now I will be content. I will realize that God has a plan for us. There is a new song playing on klove right now by Laura Story. It is called "Blessings"

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise


I have heard it a lot lately (let's face it Klove likes to play the same song 1000x's when it is new). Each time I hear it I think that my blessings have come through the storm of my life. My healing has come through the endless tears I have cried for my son. I may never get the answer to my question...but I will hold on to the fact that I will see him again.

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