my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, March 20, 2011


This weekend Ken completed the task of switching rooms in our house around. His man cave became the nursery and our guest room became the man cave. We left the bed in the guest room for visitors and more importantly for a tired daddy or mommy who needs a quiet place to sleep once our little guy arrives. It is surreal to have a nursery in our house. I sat in the recliner today and just looked around the room. I got a little teary eyed. Tears of joy and of sadness. I feel very ready to bring this baby home. I have all the stuff ready. My baby shower is in 3 weeks so I know I will have even more fun stuff very soon.

Our house has gone from just Ken and Trisha to Ken, Trisha, and room for Ian. It is a strange thought...having a child here with us...for the next 18 or so years our lives will revolve around being parents. Our house will never again be just us. Our lives will never be just the two of us again. The loss of Trent was beyond devastating. It was hard to truly process all that we lost that day...but as we set up for our second son and prepare to bring him home in tangible ways it becomes even more clear. Yesterday I started putting all the clothes into the dresser. I stopped letting myself buy clothes because I know how many outfits we will receive at the shower and how quickly he will grow! I think I have about 15 outfits total that I bought for Ian and 5 or 6 I bought for Trent. They range from newborn to 9 months. As I folded and sorted Ian kicked and swished. I told him which outfits were his big brothers and how special it would be for him to wear them. Heartbreaking.

Today Ken and I started planning our summer vacation. Ian is due in the beginning of June with my cerclage being removed in late May. We are planning a visit to Florida for the end of July - first of August. We want to spend a few days with my family in Daytona and then spend the last two days taking Ian to Disney for the first time. Yes, I realize he will only be 8-12 weeks old and have no memory of Disney. But, mommy and daddy will remember and we will take lots of pictures! As we looked at hotel prices and flights it was so strange to watch Ken check the boxes - 2 adults, 1 child - crazy! I should really get used to it. This is my second child and still I can't imagine actually being a mommy. I struggled with infertility for so long it just doesn't seem possible.

I can't wait for our life with Ian. I can't wait to watch our lives transform from Ken and Trisha to Daddy and Mommy. I can't wait to watch him grow. I am beyond blessed. And, forever will be the mommy of one little boy in heaven and (God-willing) one here on earth.

Daddy's big ugly recliner will stay in the is not attractive but it sure is comfy for nursing and rocking!!

I had a hard time getting the whole room in the shot. But, here it is for the most part.

And, his crib :) Daddy is a pilot by trade (a teacher now) so we are doing the room in an aviation theme.


Anonymous said...

Ian's room looks lovely! The airplanes are great. :-)

Terra said...

I loved my recliner. You know, I slept in it for the first month of Aaron's life at night, with him on the bobby, nursing/sleeping! I loved every minute! Cherish those moments :)

The nursery looks great and how wonderful you kept some special outfits from Trent!

I am so excited about your vacation!! And you go girl. I took David to Disney when he was 4 weeks old! Of course he was there in-utero too ;)

I hope I can meet up with you for even 10 minutes to see you, Ken and your beautiful Ian and talk about your beautiful son Trent :)

Michele said...

One of our traditions was to buy an outfit for each pregnancy. Bobby and Maya have had a lot of handmedowns. It was hard, putting them in each outfit, but it was sweet too... As though their older siblings had left them a special gift.

Hugs... :)

bibc said...

i LOVE it. and you look beautiful, my friend.

Sherri said...

Ian has a wonderful nursery to come home to!

Jill said...

Love it!

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