my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, April 29, 2011

country strong

Now that I am on full bed rest I have some time on my hands :) Today I laid on the couch and watched tv...all day. I watched a lot of the Royal Wedding and then got a little sick of it! I rented the movie "Country Strong." Have you seen it? The star of the movie lost a baby at 5 1/2 months. She was drunk and feel off a stage and the baby died. The movie did not focus a lot on the loss of that child. But, it of course stuck out to me the entire time. She spent months in rehab and therapy. When she finally went back on the road someone sent her a box with a bloody baby doll in it and called her a baby killer. She tried to talk to her husband about it and at one point talked about how she loved that little boy more than anything else. It was a little emotional for me!

A few days ago I was in the "man cave" with Ken. He was playing xbox and I was on his computer. I was reading blogs. I follow and read lots of them...on lots of different topics. The majority of blogs I read are on the topic of infant loss or infertility...two subjects very dear to my heart. I found a new one last week and was reading it from the beginning. I was crying while reading the birth story. Ken looked over and said, "Why do you read those? Why do you do this to yourself? You don't need to read them anymore. You won." I asked what he meant by "you won." He said something to the effect of ... you did it...you survived his death and fought to get pregnant again...and now we are only weeks away from our second child.

Grief is a crazy thing. Grief can make people do insane things. Grief can eat you alive. Grief can stop your life from ever moving forward. At the end of the movie she has had too much...she ends it all. I wonder how many people make that choice after losing a child? I watch shows on hoarding or people with serious mental illness and so many of the cases start with the loss of a child. Grief can do that. It can take a perfectly healthy, normal person and turn them into a person so lost, so desperate for relief of the pain they chose drugs, or alcohol, or death to escape it. Grief haunts people. Grief chases people. Grief can be so all consuming you don't see a way to ever get around it. Grief can be so big it can make you not even be able to breath. I know this because I have been there. I have felt it all...and some days I still do. But, I won. I conquered the debilitating aspects of grief. I rose above it. I stood firm in my faith and let God walk me past all that could have stopped me.

I wish that I could sit beside some of these women and tell them one day they will see the sun again. One day they will breath again without the crushing pain. One day they will feel hope, joy, happiness again.

It is a hard road. And, I am not done yet...or ever will be. I wonder about the emotions I will feel on the day Ian is born. I wonder what it will be like to be in labor again knowing the outcome will be so different. I wonder what it will be like to have him safe, happy, healthy, and alive in my arms. Last night I dreamt of him. It was so lifelike. I had him in my arms and was nursing him. He was just staring up at me. I can't believe that in 24 days that dream will be a reality. 13 years after being diagnosed with PCOS, 6 years after meeting the man of my dreams and telling him we may never have a child of our own, 4 years of trying to conceive, too many doctors saying it would never be, 503 days after the birth and death of our first child ---- we are 24 days away from holding our second son. I guess you could say we won...only by the grace of God...we won.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

May 23

I will be induced May 23, 2011 !!!

That is 25 days from today!!!!

My cerclage will be removed on May 20th and if I don't go into labor naturally over the weekend Monday morning will start the induction!

I can't even tell you how excited I am !!!

25 days until my life changes forever!

25 days!!!!

I was put on full bed rest as of today :( I have been on "modified" bed rest since my cerclage was placed. It just meant I had to be off my feet a few hours a day, no long standing, no exercise, no sex, no lifting, no heavy cleaning. BUT, now it is full on - in the bed all day - bed rest. Why? The doctor wants a full term baby! I can't argue. My blood pressure has been an issue for a number of weeks and with all my complications he says it would be best to stay off my feet for the next three weeks. I CAN get up to shower, make food, and doctor appts. AND, he says if I HAVE to get out of the house once a week or so I can. I can deal with it! I was pretty sure I would be on full bed rest from 14 weeks on ... but I made it to 34 weeks without it!

25 days .... 25 days .... 25 days :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

the end is near

I don't know when the "this can't be real" feeling will go away. I am guessing when he is in my arms ... alive and well. It has been a long, hard 16 months. I can't believe I am so very close to meeting my sweet second born.

I had my final growth scan today...5 lbs 2 oz! I have a 5 lb baby boy growing healthy inside my womb!!!!! God is so good!

I have been seeing the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor) once a week since 13 weeks. I am 34 weeks this week...that is A LOT of appts! My chart probably weighs in at about the same weight as Ian! The doctor joked with me today that the little prongs are not even holding in the paper anymore. Every nurse knows me and our story. It is wonderful that we have had such great treatment...just a little sad that it has even been necessary. My doctor said today that with all the stuff that has gone wrong this pregnancy and all the complications I have had he didn't think it would be safe to go past 37 weeks. That is 23 days away!!!!!!!!! I apologized for being so complicated. He laughed at me for apologizing. I loved that he said, "so when do you think we should call it quits?" I said, "TODAY!" He said if my blood pressure was still as high as it had been before the medication he would be suggesting delivery in the next two weeks...but the medicine has it under control so Ian gets a few extra weeks. I am fine with that...I am beyond thrilled to have a FULL TERM baby! I can't even believe it! My incompetent cervix has held tight for 34 weeks...and is now holding in a 5 lb 2 oz baby plus placenta plus fluid...I just can't even process it.

The MFM will not actually be the doctor that delivers Ian...that will be my normal OB. I see him tomorrow. He will have my ultrasound report and the recommendation from the MFM of "calling it quits" at 37 weeks. I hope to leave tomorrow's appt with the date for induction or c-section! I still don't know what he will recommend. The MFM says he thinks vaginal delivery is a real possiblilty. But, it is up my OB.

I can't believe that my little man will be in my arms in the next few weeks.

Monday, April 25, 2011

45 days

REALLY??!!?!?! Can it really be? I mean you are pregnant for like 5,000 days and I am down to the last 45! Well, it feels like 5,000 days anyway! I can't believe that I am so very close to the end. There are SO many emotions mixed with these last few weeks!

Ian's nursery is at the top of our stairs and every day when I walk up the stairs and see it my heart is full of joy. Ken made me finish organizing this weekend. His nursery is filled to the brim with gifts from two amazing baby showers. He is such a loved little boy! (And, I might have shopped a tad once I made it past 24 weeks). I can't wait to have this little boy in my arms. I can't wait to bring him home from the hospital!!

Ken and I are pretty sure this will be our last pregnancy. It has not been an easy 5,000 days and the pregnancy with Trent was tragic...so, we are thinking no more pregnancies for me. Ken would be okay with me having my tubes tied. I can't make that kind of commitment. I went for 10 years thinking I was infertile and to actually make myself infertile seems too much. It is strange to even worry about birth control. I never thought we would have to make these decisions. Thoughts? The pill is easy enough...however, because of my PCOS I have a very hard time tolerating the pill. I asked my doctor about an IUD, because I have an incompetent cervix I can't have one. It is crazy that I am even worrying about it. Ian is due very soon and I want to make sure we are prepared.

The next big issue weighing on my mind: c-section or natural? I have talked to my OB about an elective c-section for a number of weeks. I have down right begged him for one! I know it is pathetic. I am just so very scared to go though labor and delivery again. My experience with it is not good...death. BUT, over the last few weeks and long talks with Ken and my mom I wonder if going through a "normal" delivery would be healing for me. My mom has six children and seven grandchildren. Trent was number six and Ian will be number eight. She has been at all of them. She had all natural births and there have been 3 c-sections in the grandchildren. She ASSURES me what I went through with Trent was NOT normal. I am starting to believe her. I mean most people don't labor for 15 hours and have a doctor come in to tell them that they are dying. Most people don't have to sign autopsy papers during labor. Most people don't have to worry that their child will survive the birth canal. Most people don't worry that their husband will not make it back in time to meet their child in their short lives. Wednesday is my next and probably last big ultrasound. They will do measurements. I have BPP's and NST's twice a week so I know that Ian is laying transverse right now. He was head down a week ago and he flipped the end of last week to transverse. IF he stays this way (I doubt because he kind of does gymnastics in there) the c-section will not be my choice - it will be medically necessary. Also, if he is abnormally large (because of the gestational diabetes) again I will not have a choice. But, if all goes well it will be up to me. I am on the fence. Do babies really live at the end of a normal birth? Can I really go through labor and delivery and have a live, screaming baby boy at the end? A c-section seems easy. I know the recovery is not easy. I know it is major surgery. I know there are risks with a c-section. But, it seems like I check in the hospital and then the doctor delivers the baby. UGH! It seems silly to worry. I just can't help but be more and more scared as these days grow shorter and shorter.

In less than 45 days I will be holding my second son! Can you believe it??????????

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter...again

Last Easter was my first holiday without him. His due date was not for a few more weeks and I think that helped me to not fully have a break down on Easter. I had not planned on him being here on Easter...but, this year he should. I should be taking pictures of him with the Easter bunny, hunting eggs, dressed in his Easter outfit. I have none of that. I thought today a dozen times how I should know where and when the Easter egg hunts are taking place in town. I should know because I should be taking my son.

I looked back on my blog from Easter Sunday a year ago. (I am glad I have written this journey down. I think one day I will have it bound into a book...my journey through grief.) A year ago I was desperate to be pregnant again...a year later I am. VERY pregnant again. Praise God. But, the pain never really subsides. Yes, there is joy. Yes, there is hope. Yes, there is Ian. But, Trent forever is gone.

Easter is the most important holiday of all. It is the reason I have hope. It is the reason I have been able to continue on for the last 15 months. Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection. The only reason I live. Jesus gave His life for me...for you...for Trent...for Ian...for us all. His story to the cross is heartbreaking. His journey was not an easy one. He questioned His Father along the way...but He did it. He hung on that cross. He died an awful death. And now...HE LIVES!

One of my favorite hymns from when I was a kid...because He lives, I can face tomorrow...

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.


I just googled the lyrics because I only remember the chorus (above)

The second verse...

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.


Because He lives...

I have faced many tomorrows...when it felt like it hurt too much to carry on...He carried me.

I can face tomorrow...

because He lives.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

such a long road

I never thought I would be back to joy...

It's been a long time

But, my time is finally near.

I'm emotional tonight...in the way that my heart is bursting with joy for my son.

My hubby spent time tonight talking to my belly...it melts my heart to think of him with his son in his arms...in just a few short weeks. I have only ever seen him hold our dead child...this time will be different.

Ian James - I can't wait to meet you!

http://youtu.be/t1sYjDc8i4I





It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the winds right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna hold me back

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
And I will see my dreams come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna change my mind

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

I've known a wind so cold and seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change
I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain
But I'll be fine

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith


I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long road

Oh, it's been long road

Monday, April 18, 2011

his heartbeat

I had my first NST today. NST = non stress test. I am not sure exactly how the baby passes or fails but for almost over an hour and a half Ian was not in the mood to cooperate with the nurses. I don't know what they were looking for. But, I know that I got to lay in a dark room with my sweet son kicking me the ENTIRE time. I was hooked up to a heart beat monitor and a contraction monitor. I will have two of these tests a week until he is born. His heart beat was good and steady...but not what the nurses wanted. So, I just stayed on the monitor longer. I laid on the table thinking of all that was coming. I laid thinking of how I would never hear a sound sweeter than that of my son's heart. His life beating inside of my womb. His body being knit together for a purpose I can not yet see. His features already laid out. His DNA already the perfect mix of mommy and daddy. His heart...beating.

The last time I heard Trent's heart beat was moments before he was born. They did not keep me hooked up to monitors the whole time I was in labor with him. I asked about 7:30 am to hear his heart beat again...for the last time. It was slower than it had been. He was already low in my birth canal and the nurse had a hard time finding him. If only I would have known...if only I could have seen the pain that was coming.

I heard this song yesterday...not for the first time...but, I really heard it yesterday...

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway


I went through a phase after Trent died and then again when I was first pregnant with Ian...I thought maybe if I hadn't loved him so very much from the moment he was created maybe my heart would not hurt so much. And, with Ian I thought if I didn't invest myself so fully in the pregnancy I would not get hurt as bad if he died. But, I couldn't. And, I didn't with Trent. I love both of my boys with my whole heart. This song has been stuck in my head...I did it anyway. My whole world fell apart on that January day...I wouldn't love him less. I can't. My heart will forever be tied to his...as short as his life was...as tiny as his body was...as perfect as his heartbeat...I will forever miss him.

Today as I listened and felt Ian kick and squirm inside of me I thanked God for his life. The life I can't yet see...I can dream of...but I can't see it. I could have given up after Trent died. It would have been easier. But, Ken and I chose to dream of another child.

I carry my second son with such love that I didn't know I could feel again...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

8 months

PREGNANT!!

Who knew pregnancy was so hard? I mean it is a lot of work!! First, I never in my life thought I would be able to even say the sentence "I am 8 months pregnant." Second, I had no idea I would bitch about it so much ;) It is not easy growing a human! But, I am so excited about the end result. I had a scare last week and after the MFM got my blood work back and called my normal ob they had me rush in for steroids for Ian's lungs. It scared me because they were worried about my blood pressure and having to take him early. I know at 32 weeks he could and would be fine. But, it still scared me. The nurse told me that I should pack by bags for an extended stay at the hospital but the doctor sent me home to rest instead. I am much happier to be resting at home instead of at the hospital! I feel very relieved that his lungs now have the steroids and that he is getting closer and closer to being in my arms.

Last night I was getting his bath room ready. Who knew it took a screw driver to put together a baby bath tub? I was almost giddy at the thought of Ian being here with us. Bath time will be Daddy's special time with Ian. We decided this with Trent and will do the same thing with Ian. My thought is for the first few months with nursing Ken will need special bonding time with Ian...bath time will be their special time. I put all the towels and washcloths away in the cabinets. I opened all the bath toys and put them in the net on the wall (I know he will not need them for a very long time). It was so fun knowing in just a few weeks he will be here.

I am getting so excited. I can't wait to hold this little miracle!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

members only

I have been standing in line for years.

I have tried to get in. I have watched as what seems like everyone around me gets in. I have cried, begged, pleaded, and tried to get in. I have spent hours begging the Bouncer...telling him all the reasons I should get in. I have stood on the street and watched.

I can see in the club from out here. It starts with newborn land. I can see the happy club members with their brand new babies. I can see the smiles. I can even smell the baby powder from where I stand outside. The days are filled with no sleep and lots of diaper changes. I can see this room the most clearly...it is closest to the door.

I watch as the club members move from this land of newborns and infants into the toddler room. The first steps, first real food, first laughs, first time in preschool. I can see it all happening. I yearn for it. I beg to be let back there. I want to be part of the club...more than I could ever imagine.

The club members slowly move into the school years. I still watch as they move through this amazing life. I watch as they take their kids to soccer, scouts, church, basketball. I watch as they celebrate birthdays and send their kids out to their first sleep overs. I watch as the kids lose their first tooth and the tooth fairy visits. I can see the laughter as the family experiences all those precious moments. I can also see the tears and the fear the club members as things don't go according to plan.

The middle school and high school days seem so far away. But, they are there. The anxiety seems to rise in these days for the club members.

I have stood in the street for so long watching. I have cried as I was not invited to the birthday parties, not asked to come trick or treating because I don't have kids to go along, not thought of to join in on conversations because my club membership has been denied for so many years. I stand on the street and I watch people walk through the doors with no questions asked, no pain. I watch as others walk through with the "deer in the headlight' look...not knowing that they ever wanted access to the club but they are going anyway. I have watched as people are dragged through the door kicking and screaming...not wanting what comes once they are behind those doors.

The street is filled with others...single women who need a partner to go with, others who are battling infertility, and those who saw just a moment of the inside and were kicked back out.

I have been to the waiting room. I was let in...for a little while. I was admitted just to the waiting room. I was beyond excited. I was finally in. I finally crossed the line. I finally had what I had wanted for so long. As fast as they let me in they kicked me back out. I feel like I was a fake...I snuck in some how. I never got to that first room. I never got to do even the first diaper change. I never made it that far.

But, I have been let back in. I am back in the holding room. The sights and sounds from here are different from the street. I can hear the giggles, cries, and cooing. I am so very close to finally being admitted for good. I am so close to never going back to the street. My heart still hurts for those I left behind. I want them all to cross over with me. I want them all to know what I am embarking on.

In the next few weeks I should finally get my membership card. The wait will soon be over. The "members only" jacket has been ordered. The diapers stocked up. The first stage room is prepped. I just hope I don't get pulled back to the street. I hope I finally get in.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

sometimes I forget

how hard this all is on daddy too...

Tonight after dinner Ken turned to me and said "please bring my son home."

My poor husband. This last year and a half has been so hard on both of us. This pregnancy has been so full of complications and Ken is the one I cry to. I cry about everything lately...but, especially about how this pregnancy keeps getting harder and harder.

I had blood work done yesterday because of my blood pressure issues. The doctors started me on blood pressure medicine last week and my numbers have still been high. I also had protein in my urine from the 24 hour test. The nurse called to tell me my results and told me I should come to my appointment on Thursday with a bag packed...for the hospital. I of course hung up the phone and cried.

I am overwhelmed with all of the information from today and my poor husband is even more overwhelmed. He worries about me and of course his son. I wish I could make it all better for him...for both of us.

Poor guy.

Monday, April 11, 2011

life

Tonight I was laying in bed feeling my second son kick and move and thought about his life. The fear of him coming too early is gone for me now. I don't worry about a premature birth like I did for so many weeks. The anxiety has turned to waiting to meet him...share a life with him. Who will he look like? What color will his hair be? Will he have daddy's laugh? Mommy's feet? Daddy's dimples? Will he love with his whole heart? Will he grow into an amazing man like his dad? Will he love science like dad or english like mom? What will he be when he grows up? What will his life be? I can't wait to experience it. I can't wait to watch him grow. I can't wait to be his mommy.

As I laid there thinking of Ian my thoughts turned to Trent and his life. I had all these same questions while pregnant with him. Although, I haven't let myself really think about these things with Ian until recently. I have been to scared to dream of his life. That day in the hospital I held Trent's whole little life in my hands. I wish I could have seen what it could have been...should have been...would have been. It is so hard to process past the grief filled moments that I held him to think of all that I missed. My sister had my niece one week after Trent. We iChat with them often. My sister tells me of the cute things she does. I don't often compare her life to the life of Trent...but tonight I thought about how I should have a son doing those same cute things. I miss all that should have been...could have been....would have been. I miss his life.

Ian is due in 59 days. I am not sure we will make it that far with my cerclage being removed somewhere between week 36 and 37. I can't help but picture what it will be like for the nurse to place him in my arms...and I won't have to give him back. The moments after Trent died they took his body from me to take pictures, footprints, and dress him. I was handed back a lifeless body...his whole life already over. What will it be like to hold a baby boy that will stay with me? What will it be like to feel him in my arms for days, months, years instead of mere moments? What will it be like to drive away from the hospital with a child strapped safely in his car seat? What will it be like to come home and carry in my son instead of an urn with his ashes?

I know what life with grief is like. I know what life is like after you watch your child die in your arms. I know what life is like when the world moves on and you are stuck in a perfect moment in time. I know what life is like with no hope for the future.

I am ready for a life with a living son.

I am ready to share this sweet boy with all of you.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

the "norm"

There is not a lot about my pregnancy that is "normal." I mean, yes, I am growing a baby and he is healthy and strong. HE is perfectly normal according to all tests and scans. ME on the other hand...not so much. Every time I see the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor) ((high risk ob)) he seems to diagnosis me with some new problem. Last week it was too much amniotic fluid. This week it was high blood pressure. I have been fighting the high blood pressure since about 27 weeks but this time he finally added bp meds. 1-2% of women have an incompetent cervix. 7% of pregnant women develop gestational diabetes. Less than 10% develop hyper-tension (high bp). My list could go on and on. But, I seem to ALWAYS fall in the small percent of woman who are not "normal." At the end of the day it is okay because Ian is okay. But, it has made from some trying emotional times for me. I feel like my body is very, very bad at being pregnant. I feel bad that I am so bad at this!

Yesterday, I felt very normal. Yesterday was my baby shower. There were no strange percentages that I feel in. There were no new diagnosis'. There were no problems. There were just friends and family celebrating the life of my soon to be born son...and it was wonderful. It was almost surreal. Normal. Laughing, cake, punch, food, presents, pictures, a big pregnant belly...and it was all for Ian...and for mommy. It was such a fun time.




Saturday, April 2, 2011

i can only imagine

I have loved this song since the day it came out on the radio. It holds a special place in my heart from the days I was in full time youth ministry. I hear this song and picture the girls from my youth group and those were some of my favorite times. We played it at Trent's funeral. I sobbed through the whole thing. I couldn't listen to the song after that. But, there is a new "anniversary" addition on the radio these days. The first few times I flipped the station...too much pain. But, yesterday I was on my way to a work training and a lady called in to say how she had come to Jesus. She shared that she was at a funeral and the pastor gave an inviatation at the end of the service. He said if they wanted to see the sweet baby again it would be in heaven and they would need to invite Jesus in their heart. She said she immediatley went forward, as did her whole family. She needed to see that little boy again...as it was her son. This woman is from Odessa, TX...the next city over from Midland. The story was on K-love, a national Christian station. It was so strange to hear another mom share her grief and the amazing story her son's life really is! They finished that clip with playing the anniversary edidtion of "I can only Imagine." Yesterday, I listened. I heard the words as if they were for the first time.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!


My sweet Trent is already there...dancing at the feet of our Saviour. I cried as the song played. I remembered the grief and pain I felt at his funeral. I could almost taste it again. My grief and pain was so heavy in the days and weeks after he died it was like I could taste it, smell it, feel it, breath it. I heart those words and thought how selfish that I want him here so badly. His life was lived in pure love and he got to go straight back into perfection.

I can only imagine how sweet it is up there...my baby boy worshiping Him for all of time.

No pain, no judgement, no tears.

I miss him more than words can say...but, I can only imagine how perfect his world already is.

Friday, April 1, 2011

30 weeks!!!

AHHHHh!!

I can't even believe it!

I love to come to my blog in the evening because the little counter on the top turns to the next day before midnight rolls around and it makes me feel special it see it on the next day already...I am a dork...I know. It is okay...I have come to terms with it.

I am very obviously pregnant these days...no more wondering if I am fluffy or knocked up...it is definitely knocked up. I guess unless you haven't been around many pregnant bellies and then you would wonder...

Anyway, I had an all day training event for work today. I, of course, had to get up an go to the potty every 30 minutes or so. The other women in the room would give me sympathetic smiles and I waddled out for the 100th time. When lunch came around everyone wanted to know...when are you due? how much longer? boy or girl? is this your first? I really enjoy sharing about my pregnancy and I don't mind the questions. But, i hate making strangers feel uncomfortable. I try to just answer with "No, it is my second." (and continue smiling as they ohh and ahhh) But, most people seem to follow up with "how old is your first?" And, then I simply say "He would be a year old, he died shortly after birth." You know the responses...they range from comfort, to strange, to silence. And, really it is okay, I am pretty used to it by now. But, today the woman sitting across from me kept asking me more questions about Trent...in current text. She asked how I was decorating the nursery and I told her in planes. She asked what my older son's room was done it. She asked if he was excited to be a big brother. I didn't answer that one. I played the whole conversation back in my head and thought 'did I tell her he died or did I leave that part out?' After 3 or 4 more questions about Trent's life I finally said, "He passed away." She went pale. Whoops. She said, "I thought that is what you said before but I thought I must have heard wrong." She went on to tell me she had a still birth in between her girls. It was 15 years ago and she NEVER talks about it. She just forgets that infant death happens. The speaker came up to me on break and asked the same string of questions...when are you due? boy or girl? what is his name? first? And, I told her the same answers. She asked how old my first was and I told her he was 22 minutes old when he went to heaven. She got tears in her eyes and said, "My first son would be 40 next week. He was born a preemie and lived 10 months before going to heaven." She took my hand and said, "He will always be your first, your baby, your whole heart." And, then she kind of just walked away. 40 years later and still teary eyed. I am amazed every single day the amount of people who walk this path. There are the women who never discuss it, the ones who live for the death, the ones who know my pain in such an intimate way. It is so heartbreaking.

It is hard not to find joy in my Ian James! But, I wish I could go back to the days when all I knew was the joy...when the heartache wasn't part of the equation too.

30 whole weeks...praise God!!!

We are only six to seven weeks away from removing my cerclage...it has already been in place for 16 weeks...seems like just yesterday I was freaking about the surgery!
 
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