REALLY??!!?!?! Can it really be? I mean you are pregnant for like 5,000 days and I am down to the last 45! Well, it feels like 5,000 days anyway! I can't believe that I am so very close to the end. There are SO many emotions mixed with these last few weeks!
Ian's nursery is at the top of our stairs and every day when I walk up the stairs and see it my heart is full of joy. Ken made me finish organizing this weekend. His nursery is filled to the brim with gifts from two amazing baby showers. He is such a loved little boy! (And, I might have shopped a tad once I made it past 24 weeks). I can't wait to have this little boy in my arms. I can't wait to bring him home from the hospital!!
Ken and I are pretty sure this will be our last pregnancy. It has not been an easy 5,000 days and the pregnancy with Trent was tragic...so, we are thinking no more pregnancies for me. Ken would be okay with me having my tubes tied. I can't make that kind of commitment. I went for 10 years thinking I was infertile and to actually make myself infertile seems too much. It is strange to even worry about birth control. I never thought we would have to make these decisions. Thoughts? The pill is easy enough...however, because of my PCOS I have a very hard time tolerating the pill. I asked my doctor about an IUD, because I have an incompetent cervix I can't have one. It is crazy that I am even worrying about it. Ian is due very soon and I want to make sure we are prepared.
The next big issue weighing on my mind: c-section or natural? I have talked to my OB about an elective c-section for a number of weeks. I have down right begged him for one! I know it is pathetic. I am just so very scared to go though labor and delivery again. My experience with it is not good...death. BUT, over the last few weeks and long talks with Ken and my mom I wonder if going through a "normal" delivery would be healing for me. My mom has six children and seven grandchildren. Trent was number six and Ian will be number eight. She has been at all of them. She had all natural births and there have been 3 c-sections in the grandchildren. She ASSURES me what I went through with Trent was NOT normal. I am starting to believe her. I mean most people don't labor for 15 hours and have a doctor come in to tell them that they are dying. Most people don't have to sign autopsy papers during labor. Most people don't have to worry that their child will survive the birth canal. Most people don't worry that their husband will not make it back in time to meet their child in their short lives. Wednesday is my next and probably last big ultrasound. They will do measurements. I have BPP's and NST's twice a week so I know that Ian is laying transverse right now. He was head down a week ago and he flipped the end of last week to transverse. IF he stays this way (I doubt because he kind of does gymnastics in there) the c-section will not be my choice - it will be medically necessary. Also, if he is abnormally large (because of the gestational diabetes) again I will not have a choice. But, if all goes well it will be up to me. I am on the fence. Do babies really live at the end of a normal birth? Can I really go through labor and delivery and have a live, screaming baby boy at the end? A c-section seems easy. I know the recovery is not easy. I know it is major surgery. I know there are risks with a c-section. But, it seems like I check in the hospital and then the doctor delivers the baby. UGH! It seems silly to worry. I just can't help but be more and more scared as these days grow shorter and shorter.
In less than 45 days I will be holding my second son! Can you believe it??????????