my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, April 25, 2011

45 days

REALLY??!!?!?! Can it really be? I mean you are pregnant for like 5,000 days and I am down to the last 45! Well, it feels like 5,000 days anyway! I can't believe that I am so very close to the end. There are SO many emotions mixed with these last few weeks!

Ian's nursery is at the top of our stairs and every day when I walk up the stairs and see it my heart is full of joy. Ken made me finish organizing this weekend. His nursery is filled to the brim with gifts from two amazing baby showers. He is such a loved little boy! (And, I might have shopped a tad once I made it past 24 weeks). I can't wait to have this little boy in my arms. I can't wait to bring him home from the hospital!!

Ken and I are pretty sure this will be our last pregnancy. It has not been an easy 5,000 days and the pregnancy with Trent was tragic...so, we are thinking no more pregnancies for me. Ken would be okay with me having my tubes tied. I can't make that kind of commitment. I went for 10 years thinking I was infertile and to actually make myself infertile seems too much. It is strange to even worry about birth control. I never thought we would have to make these decisions. Thoughts? The pill is easy enough...however, because of my PCOS I have a very hard time tolerating the pill. I asked my doctor about an IUD, because I have an incompetent cervix I can't have one. It is crazy that I am even worrying about it. Ian is due very soon and I want to make sure we are prepared.

The next big issue weighing on my mind: c-section or natural? I have talked to my OB about an elective c-section for a number of weeks. I have down right begged him for one! I know it is pathetic. I am just so very scared to go though labor and delivery again. My experience with it is not good...death. BUT, over the last few weeks and long talks with Ken and my mom I wonder if going through a "normal" delivery would be healing for me. My mom has six children and seven grandchildren. Trent was number six and Ian will be number eight. She has been at all of them. She had all natural births and there have been 3 c-sections in the grandchildren. She ASSURES me what I went through with Trent was NOT normal. I am starting to believe her. I mean most people don't labor for 15 hours and have a doctor come in to tell them that they are dying. Most people don't have to sign autopsy papers during labor. Most people don't have to worry that their child will survive the birth canal. Most people don't worry that their husband will not make it back in time to meet their child in their short lives. Wednesday is my next and probably last big ultrasound. They will do measurements. I have BPP's and NST's twice a week so I know that Ian is laying transverse right now. He was head down a week ago and he flipped the end of last week to transverse. IF he stays this way (I doubt because he kind of does gymnastics in there) the c-section will not be my choice - it will be medically necessary. Also, if he is abnormally large (because of the gestational diabetes) again I will not have a choice. But, if all goes well it will be up to me. I am on the fence. Do babies really live at the end of a normal birth? Can I really go through labor and delivery and have a live, screaming baby boy at the end? A c-section seems easy. I know the recovery is not easy. I know it is major surgery. I know there are risks with a c-section. But, it seems like I check in the hospital and then the doctor delivers the baby. UGH! It seems silly to worry. I just can't help but be more and more scared as these days grow shorter and shorter.

In less than 45 days I will be holding my second son! Can you believe it??????????

4 comments:

Naomi Hull said...

I have had both a c-section and a normal delivery. I was terrified of having a c-section and it was really painful and recovery is slow. It's hard to move around, especially when caring for a newborn. Plus, I was the last one to see my daughter. When I got pregnant with my son, I opted for a repeat c-section only because I knew what to expect and I was scared of labor and delivery the natural way. My surgery was scheduled, but Jordan had other plans. He came a day early. Naturally. With no pain meds! I couldn' have an epidural because of my blood disorder. Labor was bad, but not terrible and pushing him out was easier then I thought. Recovery is ALOT faster and easier. I would much rather have a natural delivery. Especially when he finally comes out and they lay the baby on your chest. Priceless! Bottom line, do whatever is necessary so that you and Ian are safe, happy, and healthy. You're almost ready Trisha!! Get ready, it's going to be the best day!!

Sherri said...

Go with what you feel most comfortable with, there are people who are slow to recover after a section... but I was walking around the block with my baby 4 days after she was born, and other than being a little stiff.. it really wasn't all that bad. Wishing you all the best no matter which route you take!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with mama sherry on this one...your mom is dead on point...i believe it would be VERY healing for you to have a vaginal birth.....

still don't know how to NOT post as anonymous and too lazy to figure it out.....love you lots...K

Anonymous said...

go all natural its easy trish you can do this! I had shelby no meds and it was the best outta all 3 of them lil boogers, now i did have to have a c.section to remove a toumer and that junk hurt for 6 weeks. but what ever makes your heart happy, the best part of natural birth is 30 min after you deliver you can get up walk around change lil butt and all that good stuff. C section uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh your in bed for a HOT MIN! luv ya Scherry

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