my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, April 29, 2011

country strong

Now that I am on full bed rest I have some time on my hands :) Today I laid on the couch and watched tv...all day. I watched a lot of the Royal Wedding and then got a little sick of it! I rented the movie "Country Strong." Have you seen it? The star of the movie lost a baby at 5 1/2 months. She was drunk and feel off a stage and the baby died. The movie did not focus a lot on the loss of that child. But, it of course stuck out to me the entire time. She spent months in rehab and therapy. When she finally went back on the road someone sent her a box with a bloody baby doll in it and called her a baby killer. She tried to talk to her husband about it and at one point talked about how she loved that little boy more than anything else. It was a little emotional for me!

A few days ago I was in the "man cave" with Ken. He was playing xbox and I was on his computer. I was reading blogs. I follow and read lots of them...on lots of different topics. The majority of blogs I read are on the topic of infant loss or infertility...two subjects very dear to my heart. I found a new one last week and was reading it from the beginning. I was crying while reading the birth story. Ken looked over and said, "Why do you read those? Why do you do this to yourself? You don't need to read them anymore. You won." I asked what he meant by "you won." He said something to the effect of ... you did survived his death and fought to get pregnant again...and now we are only weeks away from our second child.

Grief is a crazy thing. Grief can make people do insane things. Grief can eat you alive. Grief can stop your life from ever moving forward. At the end of the movie she has had too much...she ends it all. I wonder how many people make that choice after losing a child? I watch shows on hoarding or people with serious mental illness and so many of the cases start with the loss of a child. Grief can do that. It can take a perfectly healthy, normal person and turn them into a person so lost, so desperate for relief of the pain they chose drugs, or alcohol, or death to escape it. Grief haunts people. Grief chases people. Grief can be so all consuming you don't see a way to ever get around it. Grief can be so big it can make you not even be able to breath. I know this because I have been there. I have felt it all...and some days I still do. But, I won. I conquered the debilitating aspects of grief. I rose above it. I stood firm in my faith and let God walk me past all that could have stopped me.

I wish that I could sit beside some of these women and tell them one day they will see the sun again. One day they will breath again without the crushing pain. One day they will feel hope, joy, happiness again.

It is a hard road. And, I am not done yet...or ever will be. I wonder about the emotions I will feel on the day Ian is born. I wonder what it will be like to be in labor again knowing the outcome will be so different. I wonder what it will be like to have him safe, happy, healthy, and alive in my arms. Last night I dreamt of him. It was so lifelike. I had him in my arms and was nursing him. He was just staring up at me. I can't believe that in 24 days that dream will be a reality. 13 years after being diagnosed with PCOS, 6 years after meeting the man of my dreams and telling him we may never have a child of our own, 4 years of trying to conceive, too many doctors saying it would never be, 503 days after the birth and death of our first child ---- we are 24 days away from holding our second son. I guess you could say we won...only by the grace of God...we won.


Sherri said...

Thanks for the heads up about Country Strong.. I was going to rent it the other night, but didn't... at least now I'm forwarned, and can wait until I feel like I'm strong enough to watch it! 5 and a half months is where I was when we lost Kristen, and I have all sorts of issues with women at that stage of pregnancy!
I'm so happy that you will soon be welcoming your Rainbow! I just got my dates, and we'll be going doing our egg retrieval for invitro between June 14th to 16th... hoping for a Rainbow of my own!

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