my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Last Easter was my first holiday without him. His due date was not for a few more weeks and I think that helped me to not fully have a break down on Easter. I had not planned on him being here on Easter...but, this year he should. I should be taking pictures of him with the Easter bunny, hunting eggs, dressed in his Easter outfit. I have none of that. I thought today a dozen times how I should know where and when the Easter egg hunts are taking place in town. I should know because I should be taking my son.

I looked back on my blog from Easter Sunday a year ago. (I am glad I have written this journey down. I think one day I will have it bound into a journey through grief.) A year ago I was desperate to be pregnant again...a year later I am. VERY pregnant again. Praise God. But, the pain never really subsides. Yes, there is joy. Yes, there is hope. Yes, there is Ian. But, Trent forever is gone.

Easter is the most important holiday of all. It is the reason I have hope. It is the reason I have been able to continue on for the last 15 months. Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection. The only reason I live. Jesus gave His life for me...for you...for Trent...for Ian...for us all. His story to the cross is heartbreaking. His journey was not an easy one. He questioned His Father along the way...but He did it. He hung on that cross. He died an awful death. And now...HE LIVES!

One of my favorite hymns from when I was a kid...because He lives, I can face tomorrow...

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

I just googled the lyrics because I only remember the chorus (above)

The second verse...

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives...

I have faced many tomorrows...when it felt like it hurt too much to carry on...He carried me.

I can face tomorrow...

because He lives.


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