my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, April 18, 2011

his heartbeat

I had my first NST today. NST = non stress test. I am not sure exactly how the baby passes or fails but for almost over an hour and a half Ian was not in the mood to cooperate with the nurses. I don't know what they were looking for. But, I know that I got to lay in a dark room with my sweet son kicking me the ENTIRE time. I was hooked up to a heart beat monitor and a contraction monitor. I will have two of these tests a week until he is born. His heart beat was good and steady...but not what the nurses wanted. So, I just stayed on the monitor longer. I laid on the table thinking of all that was coming. I laid thinking of how I would never hear a sound sweeter than that of my son's heart. His life beating inside of my womb. His body being knit together for a purpose I can not yet see. His features already laid out. His DNA already the perfect mix of mommy and daddy. His heart...beating.

The last time I heard Trent's heart beat was moments before he was born. They did not keep me hooked up to monitors the whole time I was in labor with him. I asked about 7:30 am to hear his heart beat again...for the last time. It was slower than it had been. He was already low in my birth canal and the nurse had a hard time finding him. If only I would have known...if only I could have seen the pain that was coming.

I heard this song yesterday...not for the first time...but, I really heard it yesterday...

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

I went through a phase after Trent died and then again when I was first pregnant with Ian...I thought maybe if I hadn't loved him so very much from the moment he was created maybe my heart would not hurt so much. And, with Ian I thought if I didn't invest myself so fully in the pregnancy I would not get hurt as bad if he died. But, I couldn't. And, I didn't with Trent. I love both of my boys with my whole heart. This song has been stuck in my head...I did it anyway. My whole world fell apart on that January day...I wouldn't love him less. I can't. My heart will forever be tied to short as his life tiny as his body perfect as his heartbeat...I will forever miss him.

Today as I listened and felt Ian kick and squirm inside of me I thanked God for his life. The life I can't yet see...I can dream of...but I can't see it. I could have given up after Trent died. It would have been easier. But, Ken and I chose to dream of another child.

I carry my second son with such love that I didn't know I could feel again...


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