my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, April 11, 2011

life

Tonight I was laying in bed feeling my second son kick and move and thought about his life. The fear of him coming too early is gone for me now. I don't worry about a premature birth like I did for so many weeks. The anxiety has turned to waiting to meet him...share a life with him. Who will he look like? What color will his hair be? Will he have daddy's laugh? Mommy's feet? Daddy's dimples? Will he love with his whole heart? Will he grow into an amazing man like his dad? Will he love science like dad or english like mom? What will he be when he grows up? What will his life be? I can't wait to experience it. I can't wait to watch him grow. I can't wait to be his mommy.

As I laid there thinking of Ian my thoughts turned to Trent and his life. I had all these same questions while pregnant with him. Although, I haven't let myself really think about these things with Ian until recently. I have been to scared to dream of his life. That day in the hospital I held Trent's whole little life in my hands. I wish I could have seen what it could have been...should have been...would have been. It is so hard to process past the grief filled moments that I held him to think of all that I missed. My sister had my niece one week after Trent. We iChat with them often. My sister tells me of the cute things she does. I don't often compare her life to the life of Trent...but tonight I thought about how I should have a son doing those same cute things. I miss all that should have been...could have been....would have been. I miss his life.

Ian is due in 59 days. I am not sure we will make it that far with my cerclage being removed somewhere between week 36 and 37. I can't help but picture what it will be like for the nurse to place him in my arms...and I won't have to give him back. The moments after Trent died they took his body from me to take pictures, footprints, and dress him. I was handed back a lifeless body...his whole life already over. What will it be like to hold a baby boy that will stay with me? What will it be like to feel him in my arms for days, months, years instead of mere moments? What will it be like to drive away from the hospital with a child strapped safely in his car seat? What will it be like to come home and carry in my son instead of an urn with his ashes?

I know what life with grief is like. I know what life is like after you watch your child die in your arms. I know what life is like when the world moves on and you are stuck in a perfect moment in time. I know what life is like with no hope for the future.

I am ready for a life with a living son.

I am ready to share this sweet boy with all of you.

5 comments:

tasivfer said...

Such a sweet post that I'm crying now.

Lynn said...

Also crying. Trisha, I am so looking forward to experiencing that joy with you. While I know the grief over losing Trent will never leave you (or, truly, any of us who've been on this path with you), the joy of having Ian is something I can't wait for you to experience! It will be a wondrous thing to see you have those moments with him. I think Trent would want that for you too.

Michele said...

hugs...

Mary said...

I can't wait to see him! Looking forward to when you share him with us! Hugs to you momma!

Terra said...

**cry** and **hugs**

There are no words to describe what you are going to feel and how much deeper that bond is going to become in a matter of seconds!!!!! And then to know that when he starts nursing you will be nourishing another perfect little life! You'll see the beauty of God in a whole new way! It is an amazing thing! I can not wait for you to experience you! You deserve it so much!! :)

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