my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, April 14, 2011

members only

I have been standing in line for years.

I have tried to get in. I have watched as what seems like everyone around me gets in. I have cried, begged, pleaded, and tried to get in. I have spent hours begging the Bouncer...telling him all the reasons I should get in. I have stood on the street and watched.

I can see in the club from out here. It starts with newborn land. I can see the happy club members with their brand new babies. I can see the smiles. I can even smell the baby powder from where I stand outside. The days are filled with no sleep and lots of diaper changes. I can see this room the most is closest to the door.

I watch as the club members move from this land of newborns and infants into the toddler room. The first steps, first real food, first laughs, first time in preschool. I can see it all happening. I yearn for it. I beg to be let back there. I want to be part of the club...more than I could ever imagine.

The club members slowly move into the school years. I still watch as they move through this amazing life. I watch as they take their kids to soccer, scouts, church, basketball. I watch as they celebrate birthdays and send their kids out to their first sleep overs. I watch as the kids lose their first tooth and the tooth fairy visits. I can see the laughter as the family experiences all those precious moments. I can also see the tears and the fear the club members as things don't go according to plan.

The middle school and high school days seem so far away. But, they are there. The anxiety seems to rise in these days for the club members.

I have stood in the street for so long watching. I have cried as I was not invited to the birthday parties, not asked to come trick or treating because I don't have kids to go along, not thought of to join in on conversations because my club membership has been denied for so many years. I stand on the street and I watch people walk through the doors with no questions asked, no pain. I watch as others walk through with the "deer in the headlight' look...not knowing that they ever wanted access to the club but they are going anyway. I have watched as people are dragged through the door kicking and screaming...not wanting what comes once they are behind those doors.

The street is filled with others...single women who need a partner to go with, others who are battling infertility, and those who saw just a moment of the inside and were kicked back out.

I have been to the waiting room. I was let in...for a little while. I was admitted just to the waiting room. I was beyond excited. I was finally in. I finally crossed the line. I finally had what I had wanted for so long. As fast as they let me in they kicked me back out. I feel like I was a fake...I snuck in some how. I never got to that first room. I never got to do even the first diaper change. I never made it that far.

But, I have been let back in. I am back in the holding room. The sights and sounds from here are different from the street. I can hear the giggles, cries, and cooing. I am so very close to finally being admitted for good. I am so close to never going back to the street. My heart still hurts for those I left behind. I want them all to cross over with me. I want them all to know what I am embarking on.

In the next few weeks I should finally get my membership card. The wait will soon be over. The "members only" jacket has been ordered. The diapers stocked up. The first stage room is prepped. I just hope I don't get pulled back to the street. I hope I finally get in.


michelle hs said...

oh trisha...i hope that you get in too! your blog has been a great encouragement to me; you have been a great encouragement to me. you are so strong, even when you feel weak - you portray this woman who can overcome anything! and you will become the mother who leaves the hospital with a wriggling, cooing, beautiful, breathing baby! so happy that you are so close and sending good thoughts your way!!!

Mary said...

Praying for you everyday! You'll get that member's only jacket, I have faith!

Sherri said...

Like I've said before, I can't wait to hear your happy news! Sending hugs and prayers your way! :)

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