my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, May 6, 2011


that ugly monster is rearing it's ugly head again! I am not sure if it is because it is Mother's Day weekend and something seems to be missing.... a HUGE first born :( or if it is just that now I KNOW that my Ian will be here in 15 days or less? I don't know. But, my anxiety level is high...again.

It is so strange that my google searches have gone from how many weeks pregnant I am to all about having a newborn. It is a strange switch. I remember after Trent died I would son died, now what? or infant death or surviving grief. I didn't think I would ever want to let alone need to google about pregnancy. I stopped watching all tv shows that had to deal with babies, birth, pregnancy...anything that would trigger my grief. In the last few weeks I have been drawn back to "A Baby Story" on TLC. I cry every. single. time. the baby cries for the first time. I think that is the moment that will change my view on labor and delivery. Trent was born alive...but silent. God willing - Ian will be born alive and screaming!

I hate that Mother's Day will never feel exactly right. I hate that the child that gave me the title will never be here to celebrate. I hate that there are 100's of women who will cry this Sunday because their child is already in heaven. I hate that if we went to church this weekend I would be passed over for the corsage or flower because I have no child attached to my hip (although with this large belly I am gain a flower). I hate that if we went to lunch I would not get the free drink or dessert or what ever is being offered because the table would be occupied by just Ken and I. (We will be going nowhere Sunday since I am on full bedrest) I hate that in the years to come I will only have Ian with me and not Trent too. Don't get me wrong...I am beyond in love with this little boy in my womb...I just miss his big brother.

I have just two weeks and one day left to enjoy this pregnancy. I keep thinking of all that could go wrong now...all the reasons he would not come home. I try to shut my mind up and just enjoy his kicks and punches. I pray non-stop that he comes home that week in May. I try and prepare myself for the worse and yet am hoping for the best. I feel like my brian must be broken to keep fearing when I am so very close to the end. I hate it. I really wish I could just stop my mind and let my heart win this battle...

Happy Mother's Day...even to those whose sweet children went before and are already waiting in glory. It is a hard day. It is a hard life we live. We will see them again...and the next time we see them we will never say goodbye.


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