my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, May 2, 2011


It is coming...very quickly. No, not Ian - although we are 21 days away from him! Mother's Day. This has been a hard day for many years. I have always celebrated my mommy - and she is hands down the best mom around! But, I have yearned to have that same title. Trent awarded me that a very different way than most moms.

I put myself through college working at day cares and preschools. It took me 5 years to get my AA and another 3 to finish my BA. BUT, I finished and that is what matters! I worked at a few different daycare when I was getting my AA. I would work from 7:30 am - 6:00 pm and then head straight to the college for night classes. One semester I took a 7:00 am class and then worked. I think back on those days and wonder why I tried so hard!! Anyway, I remember I was working in the baby class and a young mom enrolled her twins. I was 19 or 20 and she was the same age as me. She had a little boy and a little girl. They were the sweetest little kids around! I just fell in love with them. The little boy took a real liking to me. Anytime I left the room he would just cry and cry. I started taking him with me anytime I needed to go out of the classroom. He would follow me everywhere. His mom dropped the twins off at 6:30am - the minute the doors were unlocked she was dropping them off - and they were always the last to be picked up - right at 6:00pm. She worked the night shift at a local restaurant so it was normally their grandma that picked them up. I remember one day the little guy was so very sick. He was sick when she dropped them off and got worse during the day. She told us that morning he wasn't feeling good but she already had plans to go to the she brought them anyway. I took his temp around nap time and it was 103 (sad that I still remember all this 10 years later). We called her and it went to voice mail. The director called over and over again. She finally called the grandmother and said that he needed to be picked up within 30 minutes or we would meet them at the ER (school policy). I remember the mother came storming into the school about 20 minutes later and picked him up...she was IRATE. She yelled and screamed. She was awful. All of that is to say this...I loved that little boy. I wished he were mine! I am sure he spent more hours in a week with me than he did with her. BUT, no matter what she was the mom. His eyes always would light up when she walked through the door. He ran to her arms as fast as he could the minute she arrived...every time. He was hers. Bottom line - I was jealous. Even if she wasn't the best mother in my eyes...she was still his mom. I wanted to have that.

Ian will be here so very soon. MY son. MY child. He has spent the last 8.5 months in my womb. He knows the sound of my heartbeat. He will know the sound of my voice. He will find comfort in my touch. He will get his nourishment from my breast. He will know my smell. I will be the one to soothe him as he cries. I will be the one to tickle his toes and get a smile. I will be the one that knows every little inch of his body. I will be the one that dresses him. I will be the one to rock him to sleep. I will be the one comforts him when he is sick. It will be my hand that applies the medicine to his aching gums when he is teething. It will be me that changes his diaper in the wee hours of the morning. I will watch as he takes his first step. I will be the on he clings to in a room full of strangers. I will be the one who cries as I drop him off for a day at daycare. I will be the one who makes his eyes light up when I pick him up. I will watch as he plays his first t-ball game. I will cheer him on as he runs the bases the wrong way. I will be ready to be the tooth fairy as he loses his first tooth. I will be there the day he feels left out at school. I will be the one he asks about the tough questions. I will be there to comfort him when a girl breaks his heart. I will be the one who buys the zit cream when acne over runs his face. I will be there when he starts high school. I will be the nervous wreck as he takes his drivers exam. I will be the one screaming loudly as he walks across the stage as he graduates high school. It will be me that he will call "mom." ME...and only me. I will be the only mom he will ever know. I am his mommy. I will annoy him...embarrass him nuts. I will love him more than he will ever understand. I am ready and willing for a life time full of moments that I can't even dream of yet. I will be the one he wants. I am his mother.

Ken will play an equally important role as daddy - something I don't underestimate by any means. But, I will never understand it. I will never be his daddy. I am his mommy.

I can't wait. I am scared of all that is before me and over-joyed that I get the chance to be called mom.


Anonymous said...


fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Beautiful post..... it made me cry.

Anonymous said...

Both your sons are lucky little boys. They are blessed to have a mommy as wonderful as you, and you are just as blessed to be able to call them your son.

Ethansmommy said...

I love this post! I seriously may repost parts of this later when we get closer to our date! (of course giving you full credit my dear) So beautifully worded with all the longing of a BLM, it is just perfect! Thanks for sharing!

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