my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, May 27, 2011

my son

The emotions of the last week can not be captured in words. I will try.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

I have spent the last nine months 31 years praying for this sweet boy. I didn't know I was praying for Ian James...I just knew I have been praying to be a mommy. In the last nine months I have prayed and begged God to give me a healthy baby boy. Ian is all I could have hoped and prayed for. He is the perfect combo of Ken and myself. He is so very sweet. I can't even tell you how my heart swells when I look down at him. When I hold him and kiss him I feel complete. I stare into his face and wonder what God created him to be. What will his life be like? What kind of man will he become?

Labor and delivery was "easy." (as easy as labor and delivery can be!) I was admitted at 4am and as soon as I was hooked up to the monitors I was having contractions 5 minutes apart. I thought I was having them all night but wasn't sure. They placed the medicine next to my cervix at 5 am. The contractions got harder and more painful. The doctor broke my water around 9 am...YUCK! As soon as my water was broken the pioticon was hooked up and I was begging for my epidural! Once my epidural was in place we were all set! Ian did not tolerate contractions very well. His heart rate would fall when I would have a contraction. It would get lower and lower. It got to 56 at one point. I was so scared. I pulled my oxygen mask off and screamed for someone to do something. My blood pressure dropped crazy low which was making his heart rate fall. My mom went and got the nurse. It was not much longer that i was ready to push. I only pushed for about 30 minutes and he was here!! That first scream was everything I hoped it would be. I cry thinking about it again. Ken cried. My mom cried. It was a beautiful moment. After Trent's birth we were all waiting for for the end...with Ian we waited as they cleaned him to start our lives together.

I have watched a million romantic comedies. I have watched and cried at beautiful moments of love being played out on the screen. NONE of those movies can capture the love in a room as a daddy holding his son with the love and adoration I saw on Monday!

I have started and stopped this post a few times to tend to my sweet boy. I have much more to share...but for now I need to nurse.

I thank God a hundred times a day for picking me to be Ian's mommy. I am not sure I deserve it but I am beyond grateful to have him in my arms.


Allison Tomasek said...

Oh and now I'm crying! I'm so absolutely THRILLED and praising God for Ian.

Ethansmommy said...

What an amazing blessing! My heart is so happy for you and your beautiful family! Our day will be here in a little over 4 weeks. ;) Big Hugs!

Terra said...

I started crying at the scripture!!!! I am so very happy and thankful for the three of you and the amazing miracle God has done!!!!!

So very true as well, the love is like no other! As much as I even love my husband, the love for my children is beyond all words, all descriptions, all of this earthly life!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy for you! As far as your love for your son just grows and becomes more. As he goes, so does the love you have for him. It is the most amazing thing in the world, my children are 14 and 11, there are still nights I go in their room and watch them sleep. I am amazed that I created these two beautiful girls. Enjoy every moment, they grow so fast

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