my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, May 21, 2011

ready or not!

Here he comes!

We are 30 hours away from checking into the hospital! 30 HOURS! My emotions are all over the place. I have cried today so many times...and been so giddy excited I couldn't even sit still. The tears come when I think of the last time I was in labor. It is so very hard to understand/picture my baby living this time around. I know he is full term and healthy. I know my cervix has done it's job. I know the doctors have done every single thing they could to get him here...the what if's still play in my head. The uncertainty of a birth with a live baby is hard for me. The day will be long and hard...hello it is labor! But, I am praying at the end I am holding a perfect, beautiful baby boy. I got that the last time too...this time I want a son that gets to stay here with me.

The tears come because of all the love and hope that surronds my little family...from near and far! The people that have walked this very hard road of grief with us. The ones that have followed our story and prayed for us. The ones that rejoiced when we were expecting again. The ones that are just as excited to meet Ian as we are! I can't even explain the gratitude I have for all of them ... all of you!

The tears come because my mom is here. I love her so very much! She told me today it was the hardest thing she has ever done to be in that birthing suite. It was the hardest thing she will ever face watching me hold my son as he died. She needs this healing as much as Ken and I do. I have never wanted to cause my mom pain or grief and I know she has felt the grief and pain two fold for Trent. She grieves for her grandson and for her daughter. It breaks my heart. I am so thankful she can be here for Ian's birth! (I really thought I would want to walk and walk and walk and do all the things that induce labor this weekend...but we laid on the couch ALL DAY! We only got up to go to the wonderful hubby cooked for us all day! It was wonderful to just relax and catch up!!!)

My excitment level is a 200 (on a scale of 1-10)! I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. Part of me, a big part, died on that January day. A part that I will never get back. The pain from that day will always be real, raw, and close to my heart. But, as Monday approaches I am getting to another chance. I get another son. I can't even explain all of the excitment. It really is a dream come true. I keep picturing what it will be like to hear his first cry, a sound I never got from Trent. I know that when I finally hear him scream it will be better than I can/could ever even imagine. I know when I get to nurse him for the first time my heart will be more full than I knew possible. And, even with his first dirty diaper...I will be on cloud 9! I am so looking forward to what is ahead for me...sleep depravation, drool, spit up, poop, pee, tears, screams...a living, breathing baby.

Praise God for 37 weeks 2 days pregnant! 30 hours!

I imagine this will be my last post pregnant. The next one will be filled with Ian.

Tears again...happy tears.


Mary said...

*tears* So happy for you! Praying for the safe delivery of Ian, and that he is scraming as he enters the world!

Sherri said...

I'm reading this 13 hours after you posted, so that means only 17 hours left! I'm so incredibly excited for you and your whole family!!!! Can't wait to hear the happy news!

butterflymom said...

This is such an exciting day...and time for you. Can't wait to hear all about baby Ian! Praying for a safe and healthy delivery.... ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

ELEVEN HOURS!! Maybe it will make you laugh, but when I read this and then saw how long ago you'd posted it I suddenly felt like *I* wasn't ready. It's suddenly so close and I'm so excited for you, Trent, Ken, your mum, your neices - everyone you've told us about because they're such a big part of your heart.

((HUGS)) What a GREAT day! Thinking of you. :-D

Sarah Erwin said...

I just squealed out loud. Awwww!! It's actually only 7 hours until check-in and few hours after that until you hear those beautiful screams and cover his sweet face in kisses! :)

Christy said...

Can't wait to meet him!!!!!!

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