my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

wow

that is the only word I can think to describe being a mommy ... to a living, breathing baby boy.

WOW! I spend my days nursing, napping, and just cuddling my boy. I am dreading going back to work only because I will have to be away from him! I will leave him with Ken for the summer and he will come with me in the fall. Because I work in a soup kitchen the envoironment is not the cleanest for a newborn.

So, what about the grief? It is strange ... this morning as I was nursing Ian I looked over at the picture of Trent holding my finger ... the love is very very different. I never got any of what I am getting with Ian with Trent...and over the last 17 months have come to understand and accept that. I will never be "over" the death of my first born. However, I have learned how to live. I remember right after Trent was born I felt like I didn't know where to "put" the grief. I felt like it surrounded me, followed me, swallowed me whole. Now, 17 months later I have figured it out. Holding Ian in my arms is the most healing thing ever. There is no replacement for the life that was lost but the new life in my arms reminds me why I am still living. My entire pregnancy with Ian I was waiting on the end. I just couldn't imagine brining him home. Maybe that is why it is so amazing...because I never pictured him here with me.

I feel like I was born to be a mommy. I love every second of it. I love waking up at 3 am to nurse him. I love watching him sleep. I love his poopy diapers. I love being peed on. I love the faces he makes. I love him. My heart can't contain the love and joy. I love watching Ken with Ian. All of it ... every part of it. I want to stop time to just take him all in. Every night when I put him in his bassinet I pray over him. I pray for his safety and for his life. I pray that he knows we love him beyond measure. I pray he will grow up happy. My life feels right.

I know there are some reading pregnant with their rainbows or waiting to be pregnant again or even trying to conceive...it is worth it. The worry, the nerves, the tears, the heartache...all worth it.

Here are just a few of my sweet pea over the last eight days...


















6 comments:

Emily Hudak said...

TOTALLY worth it! How the heck will you get ANY work done with an infant at work?? You're crazy girl! :)

Sarah Erwin said...

I LOVE IAN!!!! You WERE made to be a Mommy! :)

tasivfer said...

Oh Trisha, he's just *so* gorgeous! Those cheeks!! Those little toes!! The bear on his bottom!!! I'm so, so happy for you all!!

Stephanie said...

Such a cutie!

Anonymous said...

Hi and congratulations on your baby Ian!! You don't know me but I saw a link to your blog on Sarah Erwin's blog and I feel a bond with you. First of all we are the Weatherman family. When I was 30 we lost twin boys when I went into labor early and they were born at 25 weeks. 17 months later we had our third son and named him Ian Joseph. My birthday is on January 5th.

My heart breaks when I hear about anyone who had to go through what we went through. Your Trent was beautiful and I'm sure he is in heaven playing with Eli and Reece (our twins) and all of the other babies who went to heaven too soon. I am so very excited to see your precious baby Ian and I pray that his presence helps you continue to heal from your loss.
Renee Weatherman
Shawnee, KS
reneeweatherman@hotmail.com

Suzy said...

he is just precious. An absolute gift. Congratulations! xxx

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