my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, June 4, 2011

another 5

Last night I had a "moment."

I am working my way through the baby wise theory with Ian...to help him (and me) sleep through the night. The book recommends eating, wake time, sleep time. The first 10 days of life I focused just on feeding and getting him to nurse a full meal each time. My life seems to revolve around boobs and three hour time frames...but, I love it! Back to my moment...the book says to keep the baby awake after he eats. This is not always an easy task for a brand new baby like Ian. The book gives a list of things that mommy can do to keep the baby awake...one of which was talk to him. It says something to the effect that you can bear your soul to the baby ... he is a good listener and likes the sound of your voice. So, last night I told Ian about his big brother...through broken sobs. I told him his big brother was already in heaven because mommy's body is broken. I told him his big brother went to heaven to show the doctors how to fix mommy so he could live. I cried and cried. I realize Ian will not remember this. And, I really think that is for the best. I don't want his life to be lived in he shadow of Trent's death. I never NEVER what him to feel like he is only here because Trent died. Ken and I have agreed that Ian will live Ian's life and we will not focus on Trent's death with him. We will "celebrate" Jan 5 every year as a family. We will remember our son but not make Ian feel like second best...like our consolation prize because our real prize is already gone. He is none of those things. He is who God created him to be. Trent's days were numbered by God just like Ian's are. Ian's life has a different purpose than Trent's. But, I think I needed to talk about it with him...for my benefit not his. Tomorrow is 17 long months since I held my first born. I the beginning the 5th of each month seemed to crush me. It is not has hard to face anymore.

I still have trouble with the "is this your first?" "is he your only?" questions. I am not sure why people ask the question so much. I wish they could just see Ian and be done with it. I hate saying "yes" and I hate saying "no." Does that make sense? If I tell them yes, he is our only or our first I am leaving out a very important part of my life. If I tell them no, I have another son who passed away shortly after birth I get the pitiful look or an uncomfortable silence. One day I will learn how to answer this question...one day.

I love being Ian's mommy. LOVE it. I love that I have joined a new club...a club that is much more fun than the other one I am a member of. I love that my title as mommy is very evident as I carry my son with me in my arms this time. I love that I get to be part of the mommy club without the sad looks. It is a strange new reality...and I am loving every second of it.

1 comments:

Jessica Farmer said...

Very true Trisha
Congratulations on you breakthrough moment !
May God bless your family as you continue to grow :) Jessica Farmer

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