my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

rainbow mommy

It is not as easy as I thought it would be.

Motherhood is slightly different for me. Yes, I have the poopy diapers, spit up, late night feedings, over whelming love, and joy that comes with a 5 week old baby boy. But, I also have something a little different than other moms.

My life was filled with death...not that long ago. My world came crashing down around me and I had to figure out how to pick up the pieces and walk forward. Most days I feel like I have figured that out. Most days this "new" normal of being a baby loss mom and a mom to a living child work for me. Last night I had a "my life sucks" pity party as I laid in bed. I just couldn't help but think what my life would be like with a 17 month old and a 5 week old. I pictured Trent loving and kissing on Ian. I pictured him being the big brother. I dreamed of years with my boys. I wonder when those dreams go away? i wonder when I will not wonder what could have been.

I started blogging 5 weeks after Trent died. 5 weeks and I felt like the world was spinning out of control. I felt like I would never feel normal again. I don't think I would even recognize myself then if I could go back in time and see me. I was a zoombie. Ian is 5 weeks old. What a different experience 5 weeks with a living child is! I know every inch of his little body. I know what position he likes to nurse in. I know what faces he makes when he nurses. I know that he hates the Tommy Tippee pacifiers and loves the Avent ones. I know that if I put him in his swing he will say quiet and content if I have the bird sound on. I know that after his 6 am feeding he doesn't want to be put back in his crib, he wants to snuggle mommy. I know that when I strap him in his car seat he is going to scream. I know that when I take him back out of his car seat his hair will be all sweaty. I know that he hates to be swaddled. I know that his little hands are pudgy and just call out to be kissed. I know that he will pee on me if I take 3 seconds too long to get his diaper back on. I know that he hates it when the dogs bark. I know that he loves music. I know that his favorite way to fall asleep is on my shoulder as I pat his little butt. I know that around 6pm he is going to be fussy for an hour or so. I know that when we wake up at 3 am to eat he doesn't want any lights or talking...just food, diaper change, and back to sleep. I know that he loves to stretch his toes out. I know that when he looks into my eyes he knows I am mommy. I know that the sound of his daddy's voice calms him down. I know him...better than anyone else. He is my son. My second son.

I hate that I don't know any of these things about my Trent.

5 weeks after Trent was born I just started to venture into the world of baby loss moms. I found that one of the most common things is to have people create your child's name out of objects for you. I loved seeing Trent's name. It brought comfort to my broken heart to see his name in different ways. I took Ian to the doctor today. As I left and dropped of his prescription (he has thrush) I thought of how different it is to see his name on "real" items. His name on the doctors chart, his name on the insurance card, his name on the prescription, his name on the bottle of medicine. I left the pharmacy with the biggest grin on my face. I now have a child with a name ... not a name to remember him by ... but a name to live by. God is so good.

I love this little boy. I wish that my journey had been different. But, Ian is very worth it all.

3 comments:

Kristine said...

<3 Trenton <3

Terra said...

What beautiful bittersweet sentiments <3

emily hudak said...

i loved reading this entry! amazing how well you know little baby ian so perfectly now. :) <3 Trent <3

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