my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, July 29, 2011


There is a depth of love and devotion to this little boy that I could not have imagined. My title as mommy is the most important I have ever held.

Yesterday Ian had his first round of shots. He weighed in at 12 lbs 9 oz, making him in the 90th percentile. I am so glad to have him growing healthy and strong! After a short visit with the doctor the nurse came in with the shots. My poor little guy screamed. And they have to poke them 3 times at the 2 month shots...UGH!!! Ian and I went to work after I could tell he just wasn't his normal self. He didn't want to nurse, he didn't want to really sleep, and he felt warm to me. I left early and stopped and got him some tylenol. We got home and the little guy was just so lethargic. I laid him in his crib and he just cried until I picked him back up. I nursed him in the bed with me and went to lay him down beside me and he cried until I picked him up again. We drifted off to sleep together with him on my chest. He wanted his mommy. Me. The mommy. I never thought it would be...I never thought I would be lucky enough. But, I am here. He is mine. I thank God every single day for him. I can't really put into words the love I feel for this little boy. I cried as I realized he just needed his mommy.

Two nights ago I looked through the pictures from the day Trent was born. I cried and cried. I was up until 3am just crying. I held Ian a little closer when he woke to nurse...remembering just how precious life really is. On that day he needed his mommy to carry move forward.

In 9 short weeks we have transformed from Ken and Trisha to a little family. We are now Ken, Trisha, and Ian. When I hold him close sometimes I feel so much love I swear my heart could burst. When I kiss his little head I feel complete. He has started to smile....but only at mommy and daddy so far. It melts my heart when he just looks up and me and gives me this big, gummy smile. His most smiley time is in the morning. It is my favorite part of the day...I love to just snuggle him and listen to him coo and talk to me. He just smiles...oh I can't even explain the joy it brings.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

2 months old!

I really can't even believe it! How can my sweet little man be two months old already? Time never stops moving! I can tell you the last two months have been the most amazing of my life. I didn't know the love I would have for such a sweet little thing. It is such a different love than I have for Trent...because with Ian I get to spend every single day with him. I love Trent in a way that is much different. He will always hold a very special place in my heart. I will always miss him. I feel almost guilty for loving Ian as much as I do...crazy I know. I feel guilty if I blog only about him. I am having my blog redone to include Ian in it. I will always blog about the loss and life of Trent...the title "Such a short time, Such a long road" will remain the same. I am changing my tag line to "My journey through the loss of my first and life of my second" - or something like that. I don't want to forget him...but this new little boy is pretty special too! i don't want to start a new blog...I want this to be a place for both of my boys. I know it is silly to even worry about it but this blog was/is one of the most healing things after I lost Trent. But, I want to share about Ian too. I want to be able to look back and remember his journey too. Thoughts??

Okay back to 2 months! July has been busy for our little family! Ian got to meet his grandad this month! He took his first plane ride! He got to meet both of his great grand mothers and lots and lots of other family. It has been a special time. I love everything about him. I try to soak in every single moment with him.

I love to lay his little head on my shoulder and pat him to sleep. I love to hear him breath into my ear as he falls asleep. I love to watch his eyes grow heavy as he nurses. I love the little smiles he has started to give me. I love the way he screams at me when I have to get boogers out of his nose. (Yes, it breaks my heart to make him cry but I have to get the boogers!) I love shower time with him! I love watching him follow the sound of my voice and Ken's voice with his eyes. I love to fall asleep next to him and snuggle. I love to laugh at the HUGE farts and poops this tiny little thing makes! I love taking him out in public and letting people ohh and ahhh over him. I love being his mommy!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

our weekend

Ken flew to Ohio this Ian and I were home alone for the first time. He is pretty good company so I was just fine ;) Ken happened to take my keys with him to Ohio so I was stuck at home with Ian. I guess it is a good thing I nurse him so I didn't need formula! Ian is the sweetest little thing ever. I am so very in love with him. I love snuggling with him, kissing him, and just holding him close. I can't believe he will be 7 weeks on Monday! Where has the time gone already? We are taking our first family vacation on Tuesday. We are flying to Indy to visit all my extended family. I am SO nervous about flying with Ian...mostly because I am nervous about breast feeding in public.

Here are just a few sweet moments from our mommy/son weekend.

just a little tummy time...

look at all that hair...and that sweet little hand...

just hanging in our pj's...

looking out the window...

he is just the sweetest ever...

loves his passy!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

we can't change it

I remember about ten years ago standing on the Granda Bridge in Ormond Beach, Florida watching the fireworks and thinking, "next year my life will be different...I'm going to change it." I went to watch the fireworks with my sister and her friends. They were not my friends...they were hers. I remember not really knowing them and at the same time hung out with them from time to time. I remember thinking that I had to change it...I had to make my own life. I was finishing up at the community college and had not figured out where I was going next. All of my friends had moved away to go to college or get married or just moved. I didn't feel like I I was going to change it.

Last night I watched the fireworks with Ian in my arms. I had tears in my eyes as I thought about how I wish it would have been our family of four instead of three. Ken's parents came in to spend the weekend with us. He and his dad sat on the tail of the truck and his mom and Ian and I sat in the bed of the truck. I held Ian close as the sky was lighted with the fireworks. He didn't wake through any of them. I was quickly caught up in the thought of what should be...could be...but never will be.

I have been struggling with these emotions for a few weeks now. I think about how I would change it all...and then I stop myself and wonder if I changed it would Ian be here? I can't imagine my life without him. And, now I can't imagine my life with Trent. Does that make sense? I tried to explain this to Ken last night as we drove home. I cried and cried as I told him how much I wish I could have them both. I wish they were both here. I started rambling on about how I feel guilty because I wouldn't change it if the outcome meant we wouldn't have Ian but I would change it if the outcome meant I could have Ian and Trent. He stopped me and said, "we can't change it." He told me to stop beating myself up trying to decide if I would change it or not...we never will be able to. He was so right...and I so needed to hear it. I feel like I have spent so much time thinking about if I would or could change it all...but I can't. I will never get my sweet Trent back in this lifetime. I will never get to hold him again. I will never kiss his sweet face. I will never hear his voice. I will never have both of my boys snuggling in bed with me. But, I have Ian. I can't explain the love for this baby boy.

My road to having Ian in my arms has not been easy. I thank God every single day for him. I don't know how your heart can be broken and so full of love at the same time...but mine is.

There will never be a day that I don't wish I could have both of my boys. THere will never be a time that I feel like part of me is missing. I am not sure I will ever watch fireworks and feel like my life is complete...because on that cold January day part of me left forever.

I can't change it.
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