my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

we can't change it

I remember about ten years ago standing on the Granda Bridge in Ormond Beach, Florida watching the fireworks and thinking, "next year my life will be different...I'm going to change it." I went to watch the fireworks with my sister and her friends. They were not my friends...they were hers. I remember not really knowing them and at the same time hung out with them from time to time. I remember thinking that I had to change it...I had to make my own life. I was finishing up at the community college and had not figured out where I was going next. All of my friends had moved away to go to college or get married or just moved. I didn't feel like I I was going to change it.

Last night I watched the fireworks with Ian in my arms. I had tears in my eyes as I thought about how I wish it would have been our family of four instead of three. Ken's parents came in to spend the weekend with us. He and his dad sat on the tail of the truck and his mom and Ian and I sat in the bed of the truck. I held Ian close as the sky was lighted with the fireworks. He didn't wake through any of them. I was quickly caught up in the thought of what should be...could be...but never will be.

I have been struggling with these emotions for a few weeks now. I think about how I would change it all...and then I stop myself and wonder if I changed it would Ian be here? I can't imagine my life without him. And, now I can't imagine my life with Trent. Does that make sense? I tried to explain this to Ken last night as we drove home. I cried and cried as I told him how much I wish I could have them both. I wish they were both here. I started rambling on about how I feel guilty because I wouldn't change it if the outcome meant we wouldn't have Ian but I would change it if the outcome meant I could have Ian and Trent. He stopped me and said, "we can't change it." He told me to stop beating myself up trying to decide if I would change it or not...we never will be able to. He was so right...and I so needed to hear it. I feel like I have spent so much time thinking about if I would or could change it all...but I can't. I will never get my sweet Trent back in this lifetime. I will never get to hold him again. I will never kiss his sweet face. I will never hear his voice. I will never have both of my boys snuggling in bed with me. But, I have Ian. I can't explain the love for this baby boy.

My road to having Ian in my arms has not been easy. I thank God every single day for him. I don't know how your heart can be broken and so full of love at the same time...but mine is.

There will never be a day that I don't wish I could have both of my boys. THere will never be a time that I feel like part of me is missing. I am not sure I will ever watch fireworks and feel like my life is complete...because on that cold January day part of me left forever.

I can't change it.


Jamie said...

Trisha, I am so sorry that you have to struggle with these feelings, but I remember something a friend of yours posted one time on FB. Her comment was something about Trent making it possible for Ian to be here. If you had not had Trent, you wouldn't have known about your cervix issue and Ian wouldn't even have been possible. He paved the way for Ian. His life was way too short, but it was not in vain. He's kind of like Jesus, if you think about it. A life too short with a senseless end, all so someone else could live. Don't think you need to be "over this by now." I'm sure you will battle these emotions for a lifetime, but hopefully you can also find hope in His promises and deliverance from sorrow. Love you, girl.

Terra said...

Jamie...LOVE your comment!

(((hugs))) Trisha! Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us!

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