my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, August 4, 2011

nap time

Yesterday as I laid Ian down for a nap he started to cry. I am not talking about the normal 'fussing himself to sleep' kind of cry...the poor little guy had real tears coming out of his eyes...he was bright red and screaming. I picked him up and held him close to my chest. I knew he wasn't hungry as I had just nursed him, his diaper was dry and clean, and his crib was the same he always naps in. Yesterday he wanted me. He wanted to snuggle. I held him close to my chest and patted his little butt. I told him how much I loved him, I sang to him, I rocked him in my arms, I held on while he calmed down, I told him it was all okay. As he drifted off to sleep I cried over how precious and perfect he was. I started to think about my journey to have him here in my arms.

In the days after Trent died I was not just fussing...I was full out, tears in my eyes, bright red screaming. I needed to be comforted. I needed to know it was okay. I needed Him. In the days and weeks following the death of my first son God held me. He rocked me. He sang to me. He told me it was all going to be okay. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see through the pain. I couldn't believe that one day my heart would feel joy again. In the hours after I laid my son to rest nothing felt like it could ever ease the pain. I still hurt for Trent. I still can't say "Yes." when someone asks if Ian is my first. I can't not mention Trent. I still wonder what it would be like. But, there is joy again. God held me. He rocked me. He knew.

Yesterday as Ian drifted to sleep I thought of the deep love I had for him. I thought of how my world now revolves around his little life. I thought of the way God loves me. I am not sure I could understand the depth of the love God has for me until I had Ian. I hurt when he hurts. I laugh when he laughs. I rejoice in his newly acquired skills.

My heart is full.

My God is good.

I know that in those days and weeks that I cried real tears God hurt with me. I know that He held me. I know that He rejoices as I rejoice in the life that is Ian.

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