my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, September 22, 2011

2,500 miles

Ian and I set out on a journey almost two weeks ago...we were off to see the world together.


Well, not really the whole world...just the people who love him the most in Florida and Atlanta. My childhood friend of 20 years got married on 9/17. I booked the tickets to the wedding when Ian was still in my belly. I knew that if we were going to fly half way across the country (Atlanta) we should make a trip to Daytona while we were over that way. So, we flew out EARLY Saturday morning and spent the first part of the week in Daytona with my family. How surreal to travel with my living, breathing, oh-so-cute baby boy! Ian is the best baby! He is not a fusser really...he did amazing on all the flights (and we were on 5 different planes in a matter of 8 days). He laughed and cooed at all our fellow travelers...he melted hearts. I only got teary eyed a few times. When he and I sat in the Orlando International Airport...at the same terminal Ken and I had sat at 20 months earlier with Trent's ashes...I cried. I am sure I looked like a nut job ... but I am getting used to that!

Ian was a hit! He got more kisses and snuggles than he knew what to do with! It was wonderful to have my whole family meet him! It was even more special to have all my childhood friends in Atlanta meet him...at our surprise baby shower!! Yes, my childhood friends threw us a surprise baby shower...A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Ian swam in the ocean for the first time, he snuggled his cousins for the first time, he stayed in his first hotel, he swam in an indoor pool, he loved on his aunt Cassie, Bridget, and Kristen for the first time, he rode in a car with someone other than mommy or daddy driving for the first time, he played in the sand at a lake, he attended his first wedding, he went to his first sit down Chick -fil -a ... he attended his first baby shower, he he nursed in public WITH OUT a wrap for the first time, he rolled off a couch for the first time (yes, I cried), he was away from daddy for seven whole nights for the first time, AND he got his first cold.

The days since we have been home have been filled with snot and fevers, two doctor visits, two antibiotics, an allergic reaction to one, a double ear infection, poop-explosions, and vomit like it is going out of style. My poor boy has had a fever for 7 long days!! I feel at the end of my rope because he is so very sick. I hate seeing him this way. We have new antibiotics today and FINALLY his fever is under 100 degrees!

I never knew I would feel SO helpless seeing him sick...but boy is it sad!!














Tuesday, September 6, 2011

giggles

It has been far too long since I had a proper blog post! There are few reasons...the main is that having a 3.5 month old keeps me very busy!!! The second reason is I almost feel guilty for the sad days. I have so very much to be thankful for...and I don't feel like I should still have the sad days...but I do. I just don't want people to roll their eyes and think, 'HELLO you have Ian...why are you still sad?" But, I am. Not every day...and nothing like in the beginning. But, I do still have those sad days when I wish I knew what it would be like to have a 20 month old toddling around the house. I wish I could see him kiss and love on his little brother. I wish I could watch him interact with Ian. I wish I could kiss him at night. I wish he were here. I am not sure it ever goes away. I mean my child is dead...how can it go away?

Ian is a love muffin! He loves to cuddle with mommy. He loves kisses on his cheeks, on his nose, on his toes...and he giggles ALL.THE.TIME! I love it!! I can't get enough. The sound is so heart warming! He wakes up form his naps giggling...he giggles in his car seat (when he is not screaming at me for putting him in it)...he giggles when he sees daddy or hears his voice on the phone. He is just so sweet. A week or so ago we were at Walmart and he was giggling while I was paying. The cashier said to me, "He is just talking to the angels." I just kind of looked at her. I said, "His big brother is in heaven..." and I walked away. I don't want to sound crazy and I don't even know if I believe in it...but how sweet if it was Trent making Ian laugh. What if it is his big brother making him giggle? I don't know...it sounds silly...but in some way it makes my heart happy. I would give everything in the world to see my boys together...to see them giggling together. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of what it will be like when we are finally all in heaven and I can see them together.

Can you imagine not having one of your kids here? Can you imagine missing their whole life? I don't have to imagine...I have to live it. It seems so much more real now that I have Ian...I know what I am missing.

Today is not a sad day really...this post sounds like it is. I am so thankful for Ian. And, most days are filled with more joy than possible. I just wish I had them both!

So, what if Ian is giggling at his big brother? What do you think? Crazy right??

Here are just a few of his sweet giggling self




 
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