my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


It has been far too long since I had a proper blog post! There are few reasons...the main is that having a 3.5 month old keeps me very busy!!! The second reason is I almost feel guilty for the sad days. I have so very much to be thankful for...and I don't feel like I should still have the sad days...but I do. I just don't want people to roll their eyes and think, 'HELLO you have Ian...why are you still sad?" But, I am. Not every day...and nothing like in the beginning. But, I do still have those sad days when I wish I knew what it would be like to have a 20 month old toddling around the house. I wish I could see him kiss and love on his little brother. I wish I could watch him interact with Ian. I wish I could kiss him at night. I wish he were here. I am not sure it ever goes away. I mean my child is can it go away?

Ian is a love muffin! He loves to cuddle with mommy. He loves kisses on his cheeks, on his nose, on his toes...and he giggles ALL.THE.TIME! I love it!! I can't get enough. The sound is so heart warming! He wakes up form his naps giggling...he giggles in his car seat (when he is not screaming at me for putting him in it)...he giggles when he sees daddy or hears his voice on the phone. He is just so sweet. A week or so ago we were at Walmart and he was giggling while I was paying. The cashier said to me, "He is just talking to the angels." I just kind of looked at her. I said, "His big brother is in heaven..." and I walked away. I don't want to sound crazy and I don't even know if I believe in it...but how sweet if it was Trent making Ian laugh. What if it is his big brother making him giggle? I don't sounds silly...but in some way it makes my heart happy. I would give everything in the world to see my boys see them giggling together. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of what it will be like when we are finally all in heaven and I can see them together.

Can you imagine not having one of your kids here? Can you imagine missing their whole life? I don't have to imagine...I have to live it. It seems so much more real now that I have Ian...I know what I am missing.

Today is not a sad day really...this post sounds like it is. I am so thankful for Ian. And, most days are filled with more joy than possible. I just wish I had them both!

So, what if Ian is giggling at his big brother? What do you think? Crazy right??

Here are just a few of his sweet giggling self


Danae said...

He is such a cutie!! I think it is very interesting that she said that...especially with not knowing you or your history or about Trent. It's a very interesting thought and concept though! I like it!

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