my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, October 24, 2011

5 months and one day

WOW! How can my sweet little guy be 5 months old already?

I am more in love than I knew was possible! My life revolves around this little boy...and I love every single second of it!

Ian comes to work with me so we spend all day every day together...except for 5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday when he is at Children's Day out. We co-sleep. Ian still nurses a few times during the night so it works best for our family for him to sleep next to me. He falls asleep in the arms and stays that way most of the night. I know there are LOTS of people who do not agree with sleep sharing...but it works for us. In the first few weeks of his life I would feel guilty when I would let him sleep next to me after he woke up to eat. I then started to wonder why? I know think I will NEVER regret one second that I spend with my son...awake or asleep. Yes, there are moments when I wish I could sleep on my stomach again or that I could get up and go to the potty in the night without worrying about waking him...but I don't care. I will only have this time with him once. It will be over way too soon. I realize I may look back at this post a year from now wondering why I didn't teach him to sleep in his bed sooner. I know it may be a struggle when the time comes to transition to his own bed. Don't care. I love having him next to me. I guess it is just as much for me as it is for him.

He is already growing up so fast! We started solid foods in the last few weeks. He has been exclusively breast fed until now. He still gets all of his nutrients from me...but now we have added in one "meal" of solids a day. I make all his baby food. I LOVE IT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy! I know the little jars are pretty easy to buy...but it is just too much fun to make it myself!! So far I have made green beans, peas, and oatmeal. I have given him avocado and smashed banana. Avocado and green beans have been his favorite so far. There is really no need for baby food...my milk gives him all he needs...but it is fun trying new stuff!

He has learned to "give mommy kisses." It is the cutest thing! I tell him to give me kisses and he opens up wide and lays a wet, slobbery, open mouthed kiss right on my cheek. I am now teaching him to give daddy kisses too...LOVE IT! It is such a fun age! I want to freeze time and keep him just like this! He rolls from stomach to back and back to stomach. This weekend when I put him in his boppy for tummy time he got up on his knees and tried to lunge out of the thing! I think crawling will be soon!

I looked back on my blog a year ago...I was just a few week pregnant with Ian...and had just named him "sprinkle" at the time. My posts were still full of heart ache. It is hard to read that pain. It is hard to believe it is my life. It is hard to believe how much joy this little guy brings me. I think of Trent every single day. I still cry for him. I still hear or see things that remind me of my pregnancy with him. The pain will always remain. Today I shared his story and for the first time in months cried as I told it.

I feel like my whole life has happened in the last two years. It is hard to remember what life was like before I was pregnant. It is hard to remember what it felt like to live in a world where the pain didn't exist. It is crazy to say ... but it is hard to remember that there was life before loss. And, for a long time I didn't think there would be life again after loss...but there is.













Thursday, October 13, 2011

better than ...

being Ian's mommy is better than anything I hoped for...

better than anything I dreamed of...

better than anything I imagined...

better than the best Christmas ever...

better than my strawberry chapstick...

better than the best piece of chocolate cake...

better than the big cup of coffee first thing in the morning...

better than...

anything i can think of!

I really can't think of anything I enjoy more than being a mommy. I am still a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, grand daughter, cousin, friend, niece ... but my favorite title is mommy.

There are days when I am worn out, days when it is hard, days when I just want to nap...but it is worth it. It is worth it even when we are driving in the car and Ian is screaming, it is worth it at 4:27 in the morning and Ian has been up for hours coughing, it is worth it when I am on the 5th poopy diaper of the day, it is worth it when he just won't nap...

It is worth it because when he wakes me up in the morning he always gives me a huge smile...it is worth it because of his slobbery kisses...it is worth it because of his tiny toes that move on my leg as he nurses...it is worth it because of the way he lays his head on my shoulder...it is worth it because he giggles at me...it is worth it because God picked me to be his mommy.

This month has brought on a new season of grief for me. I didn't/couldn't figure out why for a few days...and then I realized...for the past two years I have been pregnant in October. The past two years I have been pregnant ... and only one living baby in my arms. I found out I was pregnant with Trent in early September 2009 and with Ian in the middle of October 2010. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for two years were spent hoping, wishing, wanting to have a baby the next year...and this year will be my year. But, for some reason it is hard to enter into the season leading up to the loss ... or maybe it is hard because the memories of being pregnant with both my boys seem so fresh as we head into fall ... or maybe it is because the death of a child sucks ... no matter how many seasons or months or years pass ...

The grief is very different than it was 21 months ago. But, a few days ago it came back just as fresh and raw as it was then. It only lasted in that raw state for a few hours. I can deal with it better now. I can cope a little more...breath a little easier...and hug Ian a little tighter.

I am so looking forward to this holiday season with my sweet boy! I may over do it with costumes, shirts, treats, presents, pictures...all of the above...but how can I help it? I have waited my whole life for this...and missed a lifetime of these memories with Trent.
 
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