my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, October 24, 2011

5 months and one day

WOW! How can my sweet little guy be 5 months old already?

I am more in love than I knew was possible! My life revolves around this little boy...and I love every single second of it!

Ian comes to work with me so we spend all day every day together...except for 5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday when he is at Children's Day out. We co-sleep. Ian still nurses a few times during the night so it works best for our family for him to sleep next to me. He falls asleep in the arms and stays that way most of the night. I know there are LOTS of people who do not agree with sleep sharing...but it works for us. In the first few weeks of his life I would feel guilty when I would let him sleep next to me after he woke up to eat. I then started to wonder why? I know think I will NEVER regret one second that I spend with my son...awake or asleep. Yes, there are moments when I wish I could sleep on my stomach again or that I could get up and go to the potty in the night without worrying about waking him...but I don't care. I will only have this time with him once. It will be over way too soon. I realize I may look back at this post a year from now wondering why I didn't teach him to sleep in his bed sooner. I know it may be a struggle when the time comes to transition to his own bed. Don't care. I love having him next to me. I guess it is just as much for me as it is for him.

He is already growing up so fast! We started solid foods in the last few weeks. He has been exclusively breast fed until now. He still gets all of his nutrients from me...but now we have added in one "meal" of solids a day. I make all his baby food. I LOVE IT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy! I know the little jars are pretty easy to buy...but it is just too much fun to make it myself!! So far I have made green beans, peas, and oatmeal. I have given him avocado and smashed banana. Avocado and green beans have been his favorite so far. There is really no need for baby milk gives him all he needs...but it is fun trying new stuff!

He has learned to "give mommy kisses." It is the cutest thing! I tell him to give me kisses and he opens up wide and lays a wet, slobbery, open mouthed kiss right on my cheek. I am now teaching him to give daddy kisses too...LOVE IT! It is such a fun age! I want to freeze time and keep him just like this! He rolls from stomach to back and back to stomach. This weekend when I put him in his boppy for tummy time he got up on his knees and tried to lunge out of the thing! I think crawling will be soon!

I looked back on my blog a year ago...I was just a few week pregnant with Ian...and had just named him "sprinkle" at the time. My posts were still full of heart ache. It is hard to read that pain. It is hard to believe it is my life. It is hard to believe how much joy this little guy brings me. I think of Trent every single day. I still cry for him. I still hear or see things that remind me of my pregnancy with him. The pain will always remain. Today I shared his story and for the first time in months cried as I told it.

I feel like my whole life has happened in the last two years. It is hard to remember what life was like before I was pregnant. It is hard to remember what it felt like to live in a world where the pain didn't exist. It is crazy to say ... but it is hard to remember that there was life before loss. And, for a long time I didn't think there would be life again after loss...but there is.


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