my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, October 13, 2011

better than ...

being Ian's mommy is better than anything I hoped for...

better than anything I dreamed of...

better than anything I imagined...

better than the best Christmas ever...

better than my strawberry chapstick...

better than the best piece of chocolate cake...

better than the big cup of coffee first thing in the morning...

better than...

anything i can think of!

I really can't think of anything I enjoy more than being a mommy. I am still a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, grand daughter, cousin, friend, niece ... but my favorite title is mommy.

There are days when I am worn out, days when it is hard, days when I just want to nap...but it is worth it. It is worth it even when we are driving in the car and Ian is screaming, it is worth it at 4:27 in the morning and Ian has been up for hours coughing, it is worth it when I am on the 5th poopy diaper of the day, it is worth it when he just won't nap...

It is worth it because when he wakes me up in the morning he always gives me a huge smile...it is worth it because of his slobbery kisses...it is worth it because of his tiny toes that move on my leg as he nurses...it is worth it because of the way he lays his head on my shoulder...it is worth it because he giggles at me...it is worth it because God picked me to be his mommy.

This month has brought on a new season of grief for me. I didn't/couldn't figure out why for a few days...and then I realized...for the past two years I have been pregnant in October. The past two years I have been pregnant ... and only one living baby in my arms. I found out I was pregnant with Trent in early September 2009 and with Ian in the middle of October 2010. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for two years were spent hoping, wishing, wanting to have a baby the next year...and this year will be my year. But, for some reason it is hard to enter into the season leading up to the loss ... or maybe it is hard because the memories of being pregnant with both my boys seem so fresh as we head into fall ... or maybe it is because the death of a child sucks ... no matter how many seasons or months or years pass ...

The grief is very different than it was 21 months ago. But, a few days ago it came back just as fresh and raw as it was then. It only lasted in that raw state for a few hours. I can deal with it better now. I can cope a little more...breath a little easier...and hug Ian a little tighter.

I am so looking forward to this holiday season with my sweet boy! I may over do it with costumes, shirts, treats, presents, pictures...all of the above...but how can I help it? I have waited my whole life for this...and missed a lifetime of these memories with Trent.

1 comments:

Lori said...

Yep. Exactly. xoxo

Post a Comment

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved