my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, December 30, 2011

if only

if only i could go back in time

if only i could go back to two years ago today

if only i could remember what it felt like to be whole again

if only i could know what it means to feel safe again

if only my world had not come crashing down around me


two years ago today ken and i were ending our christmas vacation in orlando with trent still safely in my womb

my heart had no idea the pain that was coming


i wish i could go back in time and take my hand and whisper to myself that i would survive it...that in two years i would be laying in my warm bed listening to the soft snores of my precious second child

i wish i didn't know what it was like to hold your first child's entire life in your arms

i wish he were here

i wish i was planning his second birthday party


life will never be what it could have been

what it should have been

i lost a lifetime of memories on that day

i lost a lifetime of joy

i lost my child


this is a hard time of year for me

my mind can't help but replay the week leading up to his birth and the moments of his death

i can't help but replay the awful words...time of death 8:22am

how unfair is it that i watched my child die

it isn't supposed to be


if you meet me on the street with my beautiful Ian in tow you would have no idea the pain and sorrow i know

my child is dead

how can it be true

how can it have been two years ago

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Two years ago today I found out my first child was a boy. I still remember laying on that ultrasound table...waiting for the tech to say..."you're having a _____ " back then I had no idea things went wrong in pregnancies. I was actually having my anatomy scan but really had no clue that anything mattered other than boy or girl. Trent was perfect. I left that day happier than I ever remember being. I was going to have a son. I had no idea that 10 days later I would be hospitalized with his bag bulging. I had no way of knowing that in 15 days I would meet and say goodbye to my first child. I could not have imagined the life long journey of pain and grief that was coming so quickly.

This time of year is hard. I think it will always be hard. I will always wish I had both of my children to celebrate Christmas with. I will always know that it is the coutdown to the end. It doesn't hurt the same way it used to. Life has more joy with Ian in it than it did last year. I live for Ian. I refuse to let myself live for death. (Does that make sense?) I will always always miss my sweet Trent. i will always wish he were here. But, I must live for Ian.

We took Ian to Disneyland this last week. It was a wonderful trip! We made lots of memories and had a wonderful time. At the Dallas airport last night there was a mom with her son. He looked to be about two. His name was Trent. She kept calling him as she chased him around the gate area. My heart hurt.

I hate that I will always wish for more than I have. I will always want to have them both. I am happy with Ian. I feel complete with being Ian's mommy. I just wish I knew what it was like to mother them both.

Friday, December 16, 2011


Do you know what I was doing a year ago today? recovering from my cerclage surgery

How about two years ago today? hiring a cleaning lady to clean my house...I was pregnant and exhausted

How do I know? the new facebook timeline

It is actually a neat change to facebook. Sometimes it changes and I really hate it...this change is okay. BUT, you can see every. single. thing. posted ever. So, of course the first thing I do is go and look at 1/5/10. I relived those days leading up to his birth. I saw the grief from my posts. It was so hard to live it all again. it is crazy to think just two years ago I was blissfully unaware. I can't even remember that person anymore. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I learned how to breathe again. I watched my son take his last breath in my did I ever move again?

I am not sure. I can't really tell you how I got here. But, I know the road was worth it to have my amazing Ian.

Tomorrow we leave for Disneyland. I dreamt of taking Trent to Disney. I am so very excited to take Ian for his first Christmas.

The holidays will always be hard for me. There will never be a time when I don't think about Christmas leading up to the time I was hospitalized and that my first born son died. Yes, this year is "easier" because we have Ian here. But, I wish with all my heart and soul I could have them both. Could you pick just one child to spend your life with? I didn't get a choice...I want them both so badly.

Monday, December 5, 2011


It seems like not so long ago I was blogging about a snow can read it here...I was fresh out of the hospital from giving birth to Trent and more heart broken than I can truly remember. I do remember writing his name in the snow....that was all I had of him that day. I remember crying at the beauty of it and thinking how I would never share in a first snow of the year with him. Heart breaking still...

Last year during the first snow of the year I was pregnant with Ian. Ken and I got in the car and drove around for hours watching it come down. I cried thinking about Trent. I begged God to let Ian live. I prayed that this year would be different ...

Last night it snowed here :). I love the snow! I love the way it looks as it comes down. I love standing outside and feeling the cold on my face. I love waking up to the world turned white. I love the way the whole town seems to shut down ... Even if just a few inches fall... This year was different

One year and eleven months after I gave birth to my first son...

My sweet second born was here to see it.

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