my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

12/21/09

Two years ago today I found out my first child was a boy. I still remember laying on that ultrasound table...waiting for the tech to say..."you're having a _____ " back then I had no idea things went wrong in pregnancies. I was actually having my anatomy scan but really had no clue that anything mattered other than boy or girl. Trent was perfect. I left that day happier than I ever remember being. I was going to have a son. I had no idea that 10 days later I would be hospitalized with his bag bulging. I had no way of knowing that in 15 days I would meet and say goodbye to my first child. I could not have imagined the life long journey of pain and grief that was coming so quickly.

This time of year is hard. I think it will always be hard. I will always wish I had both of my children to celebrate Christmas with. I will always know that it is the coutdown to the end. It doesn't hurt the same way it used to. Life has more joy with Ian in it than it did last year. I live for Ian. I refuse to let myself live for death. (Does that make sense?) I will always always miss my sweet Trent. i will always wish he were here. But, I must live for Ian.

We took Ian to Disneyland this last week. It was a wonderful trip! We made lots of memories and had a wonderful time. At the Dallas airport last night there was a mom with her son. He looked to be about two. His name was Trent. She kept calling him as she chased him around the gate area. My heart hurt.

I hate that I will always wish for more than I have. I will always want to have them both. I am happy with Ian. I feel complete with being Ian's mommy. I just wish I knew what it was like to mother them both.

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