my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, December 30, 2011

if only

if only i could go back in time

if only i could go back to two years ago today

if only i could remember what it felt like to be whole again

if only i could know what it means to feel safe again

if only my world had not come crashing down around me

...

two years ago today ken and i were ending our christmas vacation in orlando with trent still safely in my womb

my heart had no idea the pain that was coming

...

i wish i could go back in time and take my hand and whisper to myself that i would survive it...that in two years i would be laying in my warm bed listening to the soft snores of my precious second child

i wish i didn't know what it was like to hold your first child's entire life in your arms

i wish he were here

i wish i was planning his second birthday party

...

life will never be what it could have been

what it should have been

i lost a lifetime of memories on that day

i lost a lifetime of joy

i lost my child

...

this is a hard time of year for me

my mind can't help but replay the week leading up to his birth and the moments of his death

i can't help but replay the awful words...time of death 8:22am

how unfair is it that i watched my child die

it isn't supposed to be

...

if you meet me on the street with my beautiful Ian in tow you would have no idea the pain and sorrow i know

my child is dead

how can it be true

how can it have been two years ago

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