my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, December 16, 2011


Do you know what I was doing a year ago today? recovering from my cerclage surgery

How about two years ago today? hiring a cleaning lady to clean my house...I was pregnant and exhausted

How do I know? the new facebook timeline

It is actually a neat change to facebook. Sometimes it changes and I really hate it...this change is okay. BUT, you can see every. single. thing. posted ever. So, of course the first thing I do is go and look at 1/5/10. I relived those days leading up to his birth. I saw the grief from my posts. It was so hard to live it all again. it is crazy to think just two years ago I was blissfully unaware. I can't even remember that person anymore. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I learned how to breathe again. I watched my son take his last breath in my did I ever move again?

I am not sure. I can't really tell you how I got here. But, I know the road was worth it to have my amazing Ian.

Tomorrow we leave for Disneyland. I dreamt of taking Trent to Disney. I am so very excited to take Ian for his first Christmas.

The holidays will always be hard for me. There will never be a time when I don't think about Christmas leading up to the time I was hospitalized and that my first born son died. Yes, this year is "easier" because we have Ian here. But, I wish with all my heart and soul I could have them both. Could you pick just one child to spend your life with? I didn't get a choice...I want them both so badly.


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