my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, December 30, 2012

How can I ask for more?

Before Thanksgiving I heard a song, or a sermon, or just someone's thought ...

"How can I ask for more?"

I have been rolling that question around in my head for weeks.  I made a note of it in my cell phone.  I flip to it daily.  It says nothing more than that question.

God has given me so much.

How can I ask for more?

A few weeks before this question got stuck on my heart another question had been there too ...

Were we ready for another child?

From the time I was a little girl the only thing I wanted was to be a wife and mommy.  I am both of those things.  I fail daily at them. I try to be the best I can be.  But, I am human.  How can I ask for more?

After Trent died the thought of another child consumed my every waking minute.  I NEEDED to hold another baby, MY baby.  I needed it.  I was not complete without it.  After Ian was born Ken and I have said 100 times if he is the only living child God gives us to raise he is enough.  But, then the question crept into my head....maybe one more?

But, I don't know?  How can I ask for more?  How can I ask for more than the love and joy that Ian brings me daily?  How can I think I deserve another chance...a #3??

I asked Ken and he agreed he has been thinking we wanted one more.  Still, how can I ask for more?

It seems unfair to ask for more than I have already been given.  So, I didn't ask.

I didn't.

But, God answered anyway.

Weatherford baby #3 is due to join our little family in August!!!

Shock is the only word to describe it.  I have known for a little over a week and still it feels strange!

Pregnant, again.

I have thanked God a thousand times, and prayed for a spirit of peace this pregnancy, and more asked could I please bring this one home.

#3.

God is so good.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

The missing chair

For all my days holidays will sting. For the rest of my life I will miss what should be. Today is no different. I could not help today, as we all laughed at Ian when he threw pea casserole in the air or gagged on the sweet potato, think of the other blue eyed, blonde almost three year old boy that should be there with us. One more chair at our table. One more giggle to enjoy. One more boy kissing my face.

I think thanksgiving will always be the hardest. It was three years ago that I was 18 weeks pregnant with him...showing off his ultrasound pictures, feeling his first kicks, dreaming of having him with us the following year. Two years ago I could barely stand. I was a shell of a person. My heart was still so very broken. My sweet, amazing Ian was 11 weeks along in my belly. But, Trent was dead. And I had no guarantee Ian would make it.

Oh, my sweet sweet son. I miss you so very much today.

Ian brings me more joy, laughter, love, peace, and healing than any words in the world can even express...

But man that missing chair haunts me.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - self after loss

This entire blog is my journey after loss ... So I don't need to explain the after me ...

This picture was thanksgiving day. I woke up sobbing ... I really didn't want to face the holidays without him. I was 11 weeks pregnant with ian. My cerclage was not in place so I was in constant fear my cervix was failing. As thankful as I am for Ian his pregnancy was not easy!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - me before loss

I wish I would have believed more, had more faith in God. I wish I would have laughed more, not cried every time I left the fertility doctor. I wish I would have enjoyed life a little more and not have been so desperate to be a mom. Once I was married the need to be a mom seem to consume my thoughts. I wish I would have trusted more.


I honestly can't remember being her anymore. She died on jan 5. Innocence shattered. Once a parent watches her child take his last breath ...there is no going back. The change is too great. The memory of the nurse taking his heart beat one last time, pronouncing him dead, signing his death certificate, talking to the morgue about his autopsy...you are never the same.

But, the change is not all bad. I love more freely now. I had never felt soul shaking, heart wrenching pain until Trent died. I know it now. I can walk with others as they experience life and love more, listen better, cry along ... The change wasn't all bad...


Monday, October 1, 2012

Day one - capture your grief

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Did you know one in four pregnancies end in loss?? These are not "just" miscarriages as some would think. These are babies. Children that were wished for, prayed for, hoped for, dreamed for. These losses were part of the parents soul gone forever.

I am joining a movement this month of 31 days of pictures capturing our grief along the way. It has been nearly three years since the nurses laid Trent in my arms for me to hold him until he died. Three years. The grief is much different than it was in those early days. But, always present.

Imagine your first born ... Her smile, his giggle, the sound of his voice as he calls you "mommy.". That is what I am missing every single day. He is gone. His life too short. I didn't just lose a baby that day ... I lost my son.

This month we remember all babies lost....miscarried at 4 weeks or still born at 40. Each loss was/is a loss of a previous life.

Today we captured pictures of the sun rising. I remember the day after trent died everyone that came into my hospital room wanted to open the blinds for me. They would say I needed some sun. I refused to let them. I didn't want to see light. I didn't want to see the world that was still moving around me. I wanted him back. Now Three years later I am grateful for those that pushed me back into the light. I thank God daily for Ian who is my ray of sunshine.

I am blessed.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Change

Would you change it all if you could? Would you go back and do it again? What if changing it meant you had to give up what you know now...what you have now. I can't imagine life without Ian. And the sad truth is I can no longer imagine life with Trent. Because I don't get to. I don't get the chance. I want to change it. I want a different story. I want to be who I was. The girl before my son died. I want to be ER again. Or do I? Do I really? I loved Trent with every ounce of my soul while he was alive. I still love him. His life and death changed me. Changed every single thing about me. Ian changed me in so many other ways. Trent's death redefined my life. Everything changed. The way I looked at the world, the way I moved in he world, the way I walked in the world. All of it. So, the question remains would I change it if i could? If it meant I could keep both of my boys, yes. Would you?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

life goes on

Every day I marvel at the little person growing up before my eyes. I thank God for him a hundred times a day. Most days I can't believe he is mine. Lately, I have spent a lot of time wondering about the "why's" in this world. Why Trent? Why me? Why Ken? Why Ian? I know I will never fully understand the reasons Trent's time was so short. I will always wonder and hope. I do know that my sweet boy and his short life made me a better person. He made me understand love in a way I didn't know possible. I know he has touched more lives than I will ever understand.

 My sweet Ian has been through his share of trials!! This last surgery and hospital stay was awful! I had so many people tell me that God must have BIG plans for Ian! When I think about how hard we fought to get him here and how much he has endured his first year I am amazed! And, he is ALWAYS so happy! He is such a sweet natured boy. He laughs, plays, and melts my heart all day every day. I wonder what God has for him? I wonder where he will go. I wonder who he will become. I can't wait to watch. I pray every day that God will give me the guidance to raise him in such a way that is pleasing to Him. I want to teach him all there is to know! I want to show him how to be a loving, caring husband like Ken.

 Being a mom is a big job!! The moments I share with Ian are amazing. I love watching him learn and grow. I just pray I am doing it to God's glory.

 It has been almost 2 and a half years since I said goodbye to Trent. I really didn't believe life would ever go on. I didn't think I could ever have joy. But, Ian is here. I will always ache for my first...but my life has continued.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

#3

Ian just had is third surgery. THIRD. He is only 12 months old! It doesn't seem right. Last Friday morning I changed his diaper and saw what I thought was a bug bite. I happened to have another mommy friend over and asked her to look at it. She felt it and said it looked more like a hernia to her. I never want to freak out. I never want to over react. So, I just put Ian down for a nap and got ready for the day. After I got out of the shower I googled hernia and looked at all the pictures. The descriptions and pictures looked JUST like Ian. UGH!!! I called his pedi and described all the symptoms. They had us come right in. I really wasn't worried. I was SURE they would say he was fine. I even kept looking in his diaper to see if the red bump went away. I ALWAYS second guess myself. I was sure they would come in the room and there would be nothing there. Ken was home so he came with me. The first PA came in and looked and felt it. Ian was in a lot of pain any time anyone touched it. Poor little guy :( But, as soon as his diaper was back on he was up and playing like nothing was wrong. The PA texted the doctor and called another PA in to look at it. They both said it looked and felt just like a hernia. Ian's pedi said we needed to go straight to the hospital for an ultrasound. They called ahead for us. We had to go to the ER. It was PACKED!! They didn't have a room for us so put us on a bed in the hallway...for 5 hours. Ian had an ultrasound. We waited for answers. He had a few doctors look at his groin. The swelling was getting pretty bad. It was getting so big so fast! Again, Ian was acting FINE. You would have NO idea anything was wrong! He was laughing and playing. He was slightly cranky because he needed a nap. Another doctor finally came over to tell us that it was a hernia and would need to be operated on right away. He said they were going to transport us via ambulance to Lubbock. He told us there were no pediatric surgeons in our town. My head was spinning!!! I felt dizzy from all the information they were giving us. I IMMEDIATELY got on the phone and called the surgeon who did his hypospadis repair. We had just seen her the day before for follow up to surgery. She said she could not believe a hernia would present in just 24 hours. She wanted him in Lubbock. She did not want them operating on him in Midland. Ken and I had not eaten all day and it was now about 5 in the afternoon. We were both feeling the stress, lack of food, and fear!! Another doctor joined us in the hall and said Ian's pedi had called in a favor and found a surgeon to do it here. The two surgeons came to meet and talk with us. The one man told us that the swelling was happening so quickly probably because his bowels were dying. Ken asked about what kind of incisions would be made. The female surgeon said they would make a 3 inch insicion in his groin and a 5 inch incision on his chest! She said they would take his intestines out, remove the dead part, and put them back in. ALL of this information is being given to us in the HALL of the ER!!! As soon as we signed consent for surgery it was a flurry. Three nurses came to try and start an IV (STILL IN THE HALL). After 3 failed attempts the surgeon called it barbaric and said they would start the IV once he was in surgery. They then wheeled us up to the OR waiting room. It was AWFUL! They came to ask all kinds of medical history questions. They assessed him. And, then next thing we knew he was gone. The surgeon told us it could be several hours. About an hour and fifteen minutes after surgery started they came out to tell us they were done!! She said they did not find a hernia but instead an abscessed lymph node. The male surgeon said had we not gotten him in when we did it could have been "catostrophic." We were soon reunited with our sweet boy. We spent an hour in post-op and then he was admitted over night. He was discharged the next morning on antibiotics. We came home and took a nice long nap. I changed his diaper around 6 and noticed the swelling was VERY bad around the surgical site. It had also started to spread down his leg. I waited another hour or so and looked again...getting worse. I called his pedi back and texted pictures. They wanted us back to the hospital ASAP. He was admitted for 72 hours of IV fluids and antibiotics. The whole time he acted FINE! He played, laughed, giggled. You would never have known!! I can't even fathom what would have happened had I not shown the "bug bite" to my friend. I don't even want to think about it. It was a HARD 5 days. I am so very thankful he is fine! He will always have the scar on his groin. But, he is here and now healthy!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

his first year

Oh how I dreamed of this day! How I prayed it would come!! How I begged God to let me see it... AND HERE WE ARE! Tomorrow is Ian's first birthday! A whole year with him!!! This morning I was loading Ian into the car and turned the radio on. "I can only imagine" was playing. I told Ian that we played that song at his big brother's funeral. And then lost it. I cried all the way to work. I thought of all I have had with Ian this year! All of the amazing milestones we have shared. All of the things we have watched. And, always it is there. The things we missed with our first born. The grief never ends. It never goes away. I live now. I live with the reality that I will never throw Trent a birthday party. Oh what an amazing year with Ian this has been. I was looking through all the pictures of him a few nights ago...over 11,000 total. God truly blessed us when He knitted Ian together in my womb. I remember when the doctor pulled him from my body. Ian did not cry right away. My heart stopped. The doctor had to suction his nose and throat to get him to cry. I still can't remember how it sounded (mostly because I was begging for something to drink! I WAS SOOOO THIRSTY!) But, when they handed him to me. My world stopped. What an amazing thing. KNOWING he was coming home with me. KNOWING how many people had prayed us through my pregnancy. Ian was loved from the minute the world knew he was growing. His big brother paved the road for that. This last year has brought me more joy than I can even explain. His first bath. His first doctor visit. His first smile. His first time nursing. His first time rolling over. His first crawl. His first steps. His first outing to a restaurant. His first time flying. His first time meeting grandparents, and great grandparents, and cousins, and uncles, and aunts, and friends. His first road trip. His first toy. His first air show. His first shoes. Oh, I could go on forever. And, of course things that broke mommies heart ... His first ear infection. His second ear infection. His seventh ear infection. His tube surgery. His hypospadisis surgery. His first bloody nose. His first big fall. He is fearless and scares mommy to death! What a year!! I thank God every single day for my sons. I know I don't get to be the mommy to Trent that I am to Ian. But, I will forever be his mommy too. Ian James is my heart! He is more than I could have ever asked for. I can't believe I nursed my BABY to sleep for the last time tonight!!! Tomorrow I will nurse a ONE YEAR OLD to sleep :( Thank you all for loving my boys...both of them.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

reflections

As I sit this morning with my second cup of coffee in hand I can't help but thank God for all that I have. I laid in bed this morning as Ken and Ian took a bath together. I heard the giggles and water running. My heart was so full. The two people I love most in the world laughing and playing together. Bathing is such a simple act...but one of my favorites with Ian. He loves to splash in the water. He loves to splash water at mommy or daddy. He loves to dip his head under the faucet as it runs. His smile as he plays is contagious. Daddy and Ian are now on an adventure to find some yummy breakfast for us. (Giving me a few minutes of quiet to finally blog) I can't help but think about two years ago. What a difference my Saturday mornings were then. I would have been still asleep...or even still awake as I never found sleep. My heart hurt so bad in those days. I barely felt like breathing. Two years later I wake up to the sweetest face around. I wake up to Ian. I look around and this beautiful life I have and thank God. It doesn't seem like enough, my thanks. It seems like I need to give Him more. He gave me this beautiful son and amazing husband. He provides for my every need. He held me in my darkest days. He carried me in the moments I could no longer stand. I still have sad moments. I will sometimes run in to women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Trent. I see their energetic two year old and yearn for my boy. I watch Ian play with other kids and church and wish so very badly he had his big brother to play with every day. How can I have found joy again? How do I still have hope? I held my child as he died. I left the hospital with a box of only the few memories I had with him. I have come in contact with several moms in the last few weeks that are brand new to this world. I just emailed with one whose 10 day old son died of SIDS three weeks ago. I am broken hearted that babies continue to die. I hate that others know this pain. I can't tell them yet that they will smile again, that they will laugh again, that their house will be a place of joy again. But, one day they will. I don't know their grief...I only know mine. But, I know the pain of picking a final resting place for your child. I know the pain of walking back in your house, a house filled with baby stuff, with no baby. I don't know if it is harder to have 10 days or 22 minutes. What I do know is I will have all of eternity with my sweet Trent. I pray these mothers know Jesus so they too will see their babies again. I am so thankful for the gift that Ian is in my life. Today we are taking his first birthday pictures....AHHHH! Yes, we are a few weeks early but I want them back in time to pick one for his invitations. I can't believe that I have had 11 months with this little boy already. I REALLY can't believe God picked me to be his mommy. Ian climbs, eats dog food, plays in the toilet, splashes water in the bathtub, tries to eat anything he finds on the ground, pulls everything out of drawers and cabinets, plays in the trash can...all of this in the moments I leave him alone. He lights up a room with his dimpled smile. He laughs a laugh that will forever be music to my heart. He gives slobbery kisses I wish I never had to wash away. He leaves fingerprints I refuse to wipe away. He is my son.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I was driving to church this morning and listening to K-love...as usual. The morning show hosts were talking about needing a new AC unit for their house. The man said they were trying to sell the house and found out it needed a new unit. The female host said they had been trying to sell a house in another state and things kept breaking and going wrong. I can't remember all the details because a lot has happened between now and then...but this I remember. They were saying that when God says no to something it is because something better is coming. (Basically she was saying they weren't selling their house because something better was coming.)

It has bothered me all day.

God said no to our prayers for Trent. We begged, pleaded, cried, begged some more, and had hundreds of people pleading on our behalf to let him live. God said no. I don't think it was because Ian is "better" than Trent. I don't think the reason my baby died was so that I would think Ian was better. I know comparing houses to children is not the same. But, I felt like these morning show hosts were putting a blanket statement on when God doesn't answer prayers the way we think He should.

I wanted Trent here. I wanted him to live. I still want that. I still want to live my life with both of my boys. I don't know the reasons why God numbered Trent's minutes to only 22. But, I don't think it was because something better was coming. Can you compare children as better than another?

Ian brings me more joy than I knew was possible. Ian fills my heart with such love. Being Ian's mommy is betterthan anything else in the world. But, so is being Trent's mommy. I just mother him in a different way.

I hate that people make statements like this. I hate that they do it in the name of God. Why? How do they know? The words that have hurt the most over the last two years are, "God has a reason for everything." "God needed another angel." "Everything happens for a reason." These things mean nothing to a mother who watcher her child die in her arms. I have found peace with living my life without Trent. But, not because of a blanket statement about life being better after the pain...after the no...after the storm.

My life is better. But, it is better because in the midst of my world shattering I clung to Jesus. I saught Him. I yearned for HIm. I cried to Him. I didn't assume that He was punishing me, or preparing me for more. HE numbered Trent's breaths. HE knit him together in my womb. HE is the alpha and omega...beginning and end.

My son lived because HE lived. My child is already at the feet of Jesus because HE died.

Friday, March 30, 2012

joy comes in the morning

After Trent died I couldn't see past the pain. I could feel nothing but pain. It hurt so bad I could taste the pain.

But, my joy is back.

Psalm 30:5 says this, "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."

I have NEVER been a morning person. I have needed coffee to get going in the morning since I was 18 or 19. I need that first cup in me before I even want to talk.

Ian wakes me up every single morning with a big, toothless grin. I love it. He is my joy.

I can feel him start to wake most mornings and open my eyes before he is fully awake. Some mornings he wants to nurse for a while before waking all the way up. Most mornings he sits right up and just grins. I wish I could put into words his grin. It melts me! Once he is up he is UP! He wakes up with more energy than I have all day! We normally lay in bed for 20 minutes or so and just giggle. He loves to play with my hair, he loves to kiss my face, he loves for me to tickle him. Those 20 minutes do more than my coffee ever has!! Once we are out of bed (daddy always leaves before we are up) Ian is all over the place! He is into everything. But, he makes me laugh every single morning. His little personality is really starting to take shape. He is the sweetest, funniest kid I know!

Every night I thank God for him and every morning I tell repeat that verse.

Two years ago I would not believe that I could feel the joy I have now! But, truly my joy comes every single morning.

God is so good. He has given me a boy that completes the longings of my heart to be a mommy on earth.

I love the mornings now. I love that before I have to face the day, before the lights turn on, before the emails are checked, before the coffee is poured...my son is grinning and kissing me.

There is no greater joy than what I get every morning with Ian.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

#5

There have been 5 times in my life that I have taken pregnancy tests and gotten the BFP (big fat positive) ... 5 times.

I have ONE living baby. That seems so unfair to me. Trent was my first positive. He grew healthy until my body gave out and he was born too early. I had 22 beautiful, short minutes with him.

I got a positive in May of 2010. I miscarried at just over 4 weeks pregnant. The doctor called it a chemical pregnancy. I guess that means the egg was fertilized but never attached.

I got a third positive in September of 2010. I miscarried yet again. I was almost 5 weeks pregnant. I am not sure what happened this time. But, I do know this miscarriage paved the way for Ian.

I got my fourth positive pregnancy test in October of 2010...this pregnancy produced Ian :) Because of the miscarriage in September the doctor tested my levels VERY early in Ian's pregnancy. He found my progesterone level (the hormone that sustains the pregnancy until the placenta takes over) very low. I was put on progesterone until 14 weeks.

I got my fifth positive pregnancy test last week. I am no longer pregnant. I miscarried at 5w2d. I have no idea why. I don't know why I get pregnant just to lose it. It is sad.

All I can think now is when I get to heaven I will have a lot of babies to meet.

Ian brings more joy to my heart than I can even tell you. It still hurts to think I lost yet another baby. But, I have Ian here. I wish I could have an answer. I wish I could know why. I want to give Ian a living sibling. I just don't know if we will get the chance.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

2 years 2 weeks 3 days

The grief never ends. I know I have said this a million times. But, sometimes I have to remind myself ... or others ... mostly myself. I will never wake up and it be over. I will never wake up and have him here.

My life will be filled with moments that I wish I had my whole family. Each milestone or special occasion that passes my heart yearns for him.

A few weeks back we decided to have Ian dedicated in church. The paper work came in the mail for me to fill out. The last question asked for the names and ages of siblings. I just kind of stared at the paper all day. As the years pass I still have not figured out how to fit my sons life and death into these every day, ordinary things. That question is still the hardest to answer. I prayed about it all day. I never really got peace about what to put. I finally just folded the paper and dropped it back in the mail ... with that last question blank.

I needed a scripture that would be read during Ian's dedication. I spent hours trying to find the perfect one. The last time I had tried to find a scripture for one of my sons had been Trent's funeral. I had the story of Hannah read at his funeral. She prayed and prayed for a child and once the Lord granted her she gave him back to the Lord. I love the story. I could feel it in my bones when it was read at Trent's funeral. I had prayed for years for a child...and once I had him I gave him back.

I searched for hours for what I wanted read for Ian today. I know no one will remember what I chose, but I needed it to be perfect. I ended up with Psalm 127:3-5

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.
4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
5Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Two boys may not seem like a full quiver to many ... but for me it is. Ian and Trent are my reward from Him.

After Ken read the scripture the pastor asked, "Is Ian your first?" This pastor is new to the church and does not know us or our history. I have a hard time answering this question when I am in line at Target with no one around to hear me stumble of the answer...but this morning I had a whole sanctuary full waiting for my reply. There were many in the room that knew that Trent was already in heaven. I answered without hesitation, "No, we have one already in heaven." It was so perfect. I had prayed and prayed about including Trent as Ian's big brother today or not. I had questioned how to make it happen without it being strange. In the end I left him out ... but God had him put back in. The pastor prayed for Ian and included Trent in the prayer. It was beautiful.

It is not easy. I never know how or when to include him. If Trent was alive and a squirmy, wild 2 year old he would have stood on stage with us...no question about it. But, because he has already gone to heaven...I never know how to handle it.

It will be a life long question.

But, for today God gave us the answer and both of my boys were recognized.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy Birthday!

Dearest Trent,
Mommy cried today as we sung you happy birthday. I know your party in heaven is much better than any I could have thrown you here...but I wish I had the chance :(. My heart hurt all day for you ... Of course that is nothing new my heart always hurts for you. I cant believe you are two. Tonight as we ate your birthday cake your daddy said your cake was "just what any two year old would want." what is heaven like? Do you play with other angel babies? Can you see us? Ian even tried your cake today! When I get to heaven I plan to hug and kiss you for a VERY long time ;). Be prepared ;). I wish so much I was watching you grow. I wish I knew what your favorite food was... I made dinner for us tonight and wanted so badly to be making your favorite meal. I wish I knew the things that made you giggle, the things that make you cry, I wish I knew what it felt like to rock you to sleep. I wish I knew what your little voice sounds like when you whisper 'mommy' ... Oh how I wish I could hear you say mommy. I miss you sweet boy. I miss having you with me. I know heaven is perfect and you are okay there. I just wish you were laying next to me tonight as I tell you a bedtime story. You have my heart sweet Trent.
Love forever,
Mommy

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

can it be

Can it really be 2 whole years?? We are two days away from the two year mark. It just doesn't seem right.

I had to take Ian to a doctors appt about 2 hours away from our home today. I had a lot of time to think on the drive there and back. I cried a lot. My heart doesn't remember what it is like to not hurt. My head understands all of the reasons why he is in heaven. I know the medical facts. I know that my body can't carry a baby to term without assistance. My head knows that he is in a better place. My head understands that I will see him again one day. My head understands that time continues to move forward. But, my heart...my heart just doesn't get it. Can someone please explain it to my heart?

My heart doesn't understand how I continued to breath. My heart wants to be planning a birthday party. I want to kiss him one more time.

Two years.

I should be 'over it' by now. Or so people say. But, how? How do you ever get over the life of your child? Not only the life but watching that life end before you? He took his last breath in my arms. His heart stopped beating as he lay against mine. How can it be?

Ian is healing. The joy my heart finds in watching Ian grow is indescribable. I love this little boy more than words can say. I just wish I had them both.

I looked in my rear view mirror today and watched as Ian played with the monkey hanging from his car seat. At 7.5 months old he is very aware of his surroundings. I looked at him and thought how amazing it would be to have two car seats behind me. I wish my life was crazy and chaotic with a two year old and a 7.5 month old.

This week is hard. I continue to relive the week in the hospital. Two years ago tonight I was told I would be moved out of ICU to the floor for women who were on hospital bed rest. They believed in me. Ken was scheduled to fly home. None of us knew I already had an infection. None of us knew that labor would start in just a few short hours.

No one knew the impact Trent's life would have.

How can it be 2 years already?
 
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