my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, January 22, 2012

2 years 2 weeks 3 days

The grief never ends. I know I have said this a million times. But, sometimes I have to remind myself ... or others ... mostly myself. I will never wake up and it be over. I will never wake up and have him here.

My life will be filled with moments that I wish I had my whole family. Each milestone or special occasion that passes my heart yearns for him.

A few weeks back we decided to have Ian dedicated in church. The paper work came in the mail for me to fill out. The last question asked for the names and ages of siblings. I just kind of stared at the paper all day. As the years pass I still have not figured out how to fit my sons life and death into these every day, ordinary things. That question is still the hardest to answer. I prayed about it all day. I never really got peace about what to put. I finally just folded the paper and dropped it back in the mail ... with that last question blank.

I needed a scripture that would be read during Ian's dedication. I spent hours trying to find the perfect one. The last time I had tried to find a scripture for one of my sons had been Trent's funeral. I had the story of Hannah read at his funeral. She prayed and prayed for a child and once the Lord granted her she gave him back to the Lord. I love the story. I could feel it in my bones when it was read at Trent's funeral. I had prayed for years for a child...and once I had him I gave him back.

I searched for hours for what I wanted read for Ian today. I know no one will remember what I chose, but I needed it to be perfect. I ended up with Psalm 127:3-5

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.
4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
5Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Two boys may not seem like a full quiver to many ... but for me it is. Ian and Trent are my reward from Him.

After Ken read the scripture the pastor asked, "Is Ian your first?" This pastor is new to the church and does not know us or our history. I have a hard time answering this question when I am in line at Target with no one around to hear me stumble of the answer...but this morning I had a whole sanctuary full waiting for my reply. There were many in the room that knew that Trent was already in heaven. I answered without hesitation, "No, we have one already in heaven." It was so perfect. I had prayed and prayed about including Trent as Ian's big brother today or not. I had questioned how to make it happen without it being strange. In the end I left him out ... but God had him put back in. The pastor prayed for Ian and included Trent in the prayer. It was beautiful.

It is not easy. I never know how or when to include him. If Trent was alive and a squirmy, wild 2 year old he would have stood on stage with question about it. But, because he has already gone to heaven...I never know how to handle it.

It will be a life long question.

But, for today God gave us the answer and both of my boys were recognized.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy Birthday!

Dearest Trent,
Mommy cried today as we sung you happy birthday. I know your party in heaven is much better than any I could have thrown you here...but I wish I had the chance :(. My heart hurt all day for you ... Of course that is nothing new my heart always hurts for you. I cant believe you are two. Tonight as we ate your birthday cake your daddy said your cake was "just what any two year old would want." what is heaven like? Do you play with other angel babies? Can you see us? Ian even tried your cake today! When I get to heaven I plan to hug and kiss you for a VERY long time ;). Be prepared ;). I wish so much I was watching you grow. I wish I knew what your favorite food was... I made dinner for us tonight and wanted so badly to be making your favorite meal. I wish I knew the things that made you giggle, the things that make you cry, I wish I knew what it felt like to rock you to sleep. I wish I knew what your little voice sounds like when you whisper 'mommy' ... Oh how I wish I could hear you say mommy. I miss you sweet boy. I miss having you with me. I know heaven is perfect and you are okay there. I just wish you were laying next to me tonight as I tell you a bedtime story. You have my heart sweet Trent.
Love forever,

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

can it be

Can it really be 2 whole years?? We are two days away from the two year mark. It just doesn't seem right.

I had to take Ian to a doctors appt about 2 hours away from our home today. I had a lot of time to think on the drive there and back. I cried a lot. My heart doesn't remember what it is like to not hurt. My head understands all of the reasons why he is in heaven. I know the medical facts. I know that my body can't carry a baby to term without assistance. My head knows that he is in a better place. My head understands that I will see him again one day. My head understands that time continues to move forward. But, my heart just doesn't get it. Can someone please explain it to my heart?

My heart doesn't understand how I continued to breath. My heart wants to be planning a birthday party. I want to kiss him one more time.

Two years.

I should be 'over it' by now. Or so people say. But, how? How do you ever get over the life of your child? Not only the life but watching that life end before you? He took his last breath in my arms. His heart stopped beating as he lay against mine. How can it be?

Ian is healing. The joy my heart finds in watching Ian grow is indescribable. I love this little boy more than words can say. I just wish I had them both.

I looked in my rear view mirror today and watched as Ian played with the monkey hanging from his car seat. At 7.5 months old he is very aware of his surroundings. I looked at him and thought how amazing it would be to have two car seats behind me. I wish my life was crazy and chaotic with a two year old and a 7.5 month old.

This week is hard. I continue to relive the week in the hospital. Two years ago tonight I was told I would be moved out of ICU to the floor for women who were on hospital bed rest. They believed in me. Ken was scheduled to fly home. None of us knew I already had an infection. None of us knew that labor would start in just a few short hours.

No one knew the impact Trent's life would have.

How can it be 2 years already?
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