my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, January 22, 2012

2 years 2 weeks 3 days

The grief never ends. I know I have said this a million times. But, sometimes I have to remind myself ... or others ... mostly myself. I will never wake up and it be over. I will never wake up and have him here.

My life will be filled with moments that I wish I had my whole family. Each milestone or special occasion that passes my heart yearns for him.

A few weeks back we decided to have Ian dedicated in church. The paper work came in the mail for me to fill out. The last question asked for the names and ages of siblings. I just kind of stared at the paper all day. As the years pass I still have not figured out how to fit my sons life and death into these every day, ordinary things. That question is still the hardest to answer. I prayed about it all day. I never really got peace about what to put. I finally just folded the paper and dropped it back in the mail ... with that last question blank.

I needed a scripture that would be read during Ian's dedication. I spent hours trying to find the perfect one. The last time I had tried to find a scripture for one of my sons had been Trent's funeral. I had the story of Hannah read at his funeral. She prayed and prayed for a child and once the Lord granted her she gave him back to the Lord. I love the story. I could feel it in my bones when it was read at Trent's funeral. I had prayed for years for a child...and once I had him I gave him back.

I searched for hours for what I wanted read for Ian today. I know no one will remember what I chose, but I needed it to be perfect. I ended up with Psalm 127:3-5

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.
4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
5Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Two boys may not seem like a full quiver to many ... but for me it is. Ian and Trent are my reward from Him.

After Ken read the scripture the pastor asked, "Is Ian your first?" This pastor is new to the church and does not know us or our history. I have a hard time answering this question when I am in line at Target with no one around to hear me stumble of the answer...but this morning I had a whole sanctuary full waiting for my reply. There were many in the room that knew that Trent was already in heaven. I answered without hesitation, "No, we have one already in heaven." It was so perfect. I had prayed and prayed about including Trent as Ian's big brother today or not. I had questioned how to make it happen without it being strange. In the end I left him out ... but God had him put back in. The pastor prayed for Ian and included Trent in the prayer. It was beautiful.

It is not easy. I never know how or when to include him. If Trent was alive and a squirmy, wild 2 year old he would have stood on stage with us...no question about it. But, because he has already gone to heaven...I never know how to handle it.

It will be a life long question.

But, for today God gave us the answer and both of my boys were recognized.

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