my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

can it be

Can it really be 2 whole years?? We are two days away from the two year mark. It just doesn't seem right.

I had to take Ian to a doctors appt about 2 hours away from our home today. I had a lot of time to think on the drive there and back. I cried a lot. My heart doesn't remember what it is like to not hurt. My head understands all of the reasons why he is in heaven. I know the medical facts. I know that my body can't carry a baby to term without assistance. My head knows that he is in a better place. My head understands that I will see him again one day. My head understands that time continues to move forward. But, my heart just doesn't get it. Can someone please explain it to my heart?

My heart doesn't understand how I continued to breath. My heart wants to be planning a birthday party. I want to kiss him one more time.

Two years.

I should be 'over it' by now. Or so people say. But, how? How do you ever get over the life of your child? Not only the life but watching that life end before you? He took his last breath in my arms. His heart stopped beating as he lay against mine. How can it be?

Ian is healing. The joy my heart finds in watching Ian grow is indescribable. I love this little boy more than words can say. I just wish I had them both.

I looked in my rear view mirror today and watched as Ian played with the monkey hanging from his car seat. At 7.5 months old he is very aware of his surroundings. I looked at him and thought how amazing it would be to have two car seats behind me. I wish my life was crazy and chaotic with a two year old and a 7.5 month old.

This week is hard. I continue to relive the week in the hospital. Two years ago tonight I was told I would be moved out of ICU to the floor for women who were on hospital bed rest. They believed in me. Ken was scheduled to fly home. None of us knew I already had an infection. None of us knew that labor would start in just a few short hours.

No one knew the impact Trent's life would have.

How can it be 2 years already?


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