my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


There have been 5 times in my life that I have taken pregnancy tests and gotten the BFP (big fat positive) ... 5 times.

I have ONE living baby. That seems so unfair to me. Trent was my first positive. He grew healthy until my body gave out and he was born too early. I had 22 beautiful, short minutes with him.

I got a positive in May of 2010. I miscarried at just over 4 weeks pregnant. The doctor called it a chemical pregnancy. I guess that means the egg was fertilized but never attached.

I got a third positive in September of 2010. I miscarried yet again. I was almost 5 weeks pregnant. I am not sure what happened this time. But, I do know this miscarriage paved the way for Ian.

I got my fourth positive pregnancy test in October of 2010...this pregnancy produced Ian :) Because of the miscarriage in September the doctor tested my levels VERY early in Ian's pregnancy. He found my progesterone level (the hormone that sustains the pregnancy until the placenta takes over) very low. I was put on progesterone until 14 weeks.

I got my fifth positive pregnancy test last week. I am no longer pregnant. I miscarried at 5w2d. I have no idea why. I don't know why I get pregnant just to lose it. It is sad.

All I can think now is when I get to heaven I will have a lot of babies to meet.

Ian brings more joy to my heart than I can even tell you. It still hurts to think I lost yet another baby. But, I have Ian here. I wish I could have an answer. I wish I could know why. I want to give Ian a living sibling. I just don't know if we will get the chance.
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