my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, April 21, 2012


As I sit this morning with my second cup of coffee in hand I can't help but thank God for all that I have. I laid in bed this morning as Ken and Ian took a bath together. I heard the giggles and water running. My heart was so full. The two people I love most in the world laughing and playing together. Bathing is such a simple act...but one of my favorites with Ian. He loves to splash in the water. He loves to splash water at mommy or daddy. He loves to dip his head under the faucet as it runs. His smile as he plays is contagious. Daddy and Ian are now on an adventure to find some yummy breakfast for us. (Giving me a few minutes of quiet to finally blog) I can't help but think about two years ago. What a difference my Saturday mornings were then. I would have been still asleep...or even still awake as I never found sleep. My heart hurt so bad in those days. I barely felt like breathing. Two years later I wake up to the sweetest face around. I wake up to Ian. I look around and this beautiful life I have and thank God. It doesn't seem like enough, my thanks. It seems like I need to give Him more. He gave me this beautiful son and amazing husband. He provides for my every need. He held me in my darkest days. He carried me in the moments I could no longer stand. I still have sad moments. I will sometimes run in to women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Trent. I see their energetic two year old and yearn for my boy. I watch Ian play with other kids and church and wish so very badly he had his big brother to play with every day. How can I have found joy again? How do I still have hope? I held my child as he died. I left the hospital with a box of only the few memories I had with him. I have come in contact with several moms in the last few weeks that are brand new to this world. I just emailed with one whose 10 day old son died of SIDS three weeks ago. I am broken hearted that babies continue to die. I hate that others know this pain. I can't tell them yet that they will smile again, that they will laugh again, that their house will be a place of joy again. But, one day they will. I don't know their grief...I only know mine. But, I know the pain of picking a final resting place for your child. I know the pain of walking back in your house, a house filled with baby stuff, with no baby. I don't know if it is harder to have 10 days or 22 minutes. What I do know is I will have all of eternity with my sweet Trent. I pray these mothers know Jesus so they too will see their babies again. I am so thankful for the gift that Ian is in my life. Today we are taking his first birthday pictures....AHHHH! Yes, we are a few weeks early but I want them back in time to pick one for his invitations. I can't believe that I have had 11 months with this little boy already. I REALLY can't believe God picked me to be his mommy. Ian climbs, eats dog food, plays in the toilet, splashes water in the bathtub, tries to eat anything he finds on the ground, pulls everything out of drawers and cabinets, plays in the trash can...all of this in the moments I leave him alone. He lights up a room with his dimpled smile. He laughs a laugh that will forever be music to my heart. He gives slobbery kisses I wish I never had to wash away. He leaves fingerprints I refuse to wipe away. He is my son.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I was driving to church this morning and listening to usual. The morning show hosts were talking about needing a new AC unit for their house. The man said they were trying to sell the house and found out it needed a new unit. The female host said they had been trying to sell a house in another state and things kept breaking and going wrong. I can't remember all the details because a lot has happened between now and then...but this I remember. They were saying that when God says no to something it is because something better is coming. (Basically she was saying they weren't selling their house because something better was coming.)

It has bothered me all day.

God said no to our prayers for Trent. We begged, pleaded, cried, begged some more, and had hundreds of people pleading on our behalf to let him live. God said no. I don't think it was because Ian is "better" than Trent. I don't think the reason my baby died was so that I would think Ian was better. I know comparing houses to children is not the same. But, I felt like these morning show hosts were putting a blanket statement on when God doesn't answer prayers the way we think He should.

I wanted Trent here. I wanted him to live. I still want that. I still want to live my life with both of my boys. I don't know the reasons why God numbered Trent's minutes to only 22. But, I don't think it was because something better was coming. Can you compare children as better than another?

Ian brings me more joy than I knew was possible. Ian fills my heart with such love. Being Ian's mommy is betterthan anything else in the world. But, so is being Trent's mommy. I just mother him in a different way.

I hate that people make statements like this. I hate that they do it in the name of God. Why? How do they know? The words that have hurt the most over the last two years are, "God has a reason for everything." "God needed another angel." "Everything happens for a reason." These things mean nothing to a mother who watcher her child die in her arms. I have found peace with living my life without Trent. But, not because of a blanket statement about life being better after the pain...after the no...after the storm.

My life is better. But, it is better because in the midst of my world shattering I clung to Jesus. I saught Him. I yearned for HIm. I cried to Him. I didn't assume that He was punishing me, or preparing me for more. HE numbered Trent's breaths. HE knit him together in my womb. HE is the alpha and omega...beginning and end.

My son lived because HE lived. My child is already at the feet of Jesus because HE died.
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