my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I was driving to church this morning and listening to usual. The morning show hosts were talking about needing a new AC unit for their house. The man said they were trying to sell the house and found out it needed a new unit. The female host said they had been trying to sell a house in another state and things kept breaking and going wrong. I can't remember all the details because a lot has happened between now and then...but this I remember. They were saying that when God says no to something it is because something better is coming. (Basically she was saying they weren't selling their house because something better was coming.)

It has bothered me all day.

God said no to our prayers for Trent. We begged, pleaded, cried, begged some more, and had hundreds of people pleading on our behalf to let him live. God said no. I don't think it was because Ian is "better" than Trent. I don't think the reason my baby died was so that I would think Ian was better. I know comparing houses to children is not the same. But, I felt like these morning show hosts were putting a blanket statement on when God doesn't answer prayers the way we think He should.

I wanted Trent here. I wanted him to live. I still want that. I still want to live my life with both of my boys. I don't know the reasons why God numbered Trent's minutes to only 22. But, I don't think it was because something better was coming. Can you compare children as better than another?

Ian brings me more joy than I knew was possible. Ian fills my heart with such love. Being Ian's mommy is betterthan anything else in the world. But, so is being Trent's mommy. I just mother him in a different way.

I hate that people make statements like this. I hate that they do it in the name of God. Why? How do they know? The words that have hurt the most over the last two years are, "God has a reason for everything." "God needed another angel." "Everything happens for a reason." These things mean nothing to a mother who watcher her child die in her arms. I have found peace with living my life without Trent. But, not because of a blanket statement about life being better after the pain...after the no...after the storm.

My life is better. But, it is better because in the midst of my world shattering I clung to Jesus. I saught Him. I yearned for HIm. I cried to Him. I didn't assume that He was punishing me, or preparing me for more. HE numbered Trent's breaths. HE knit him together in my womb. HE is the alpha and omega...beginning and end.

My son lived because HE lived. My child is already at the feet of Jesus because HE died.


Jamie said...

I appreciate this post, the honesty in it. I don't know what I can say that may ease your heart, but I will offer you this...A week and a half ago, my 36 yo cousin died in a car accident, suddenly, tragically. We all thought his life would be short, but it was because of the life he chose early on, a life addicted to drugs and alcohol. But he had risen above that addiction, and of all things, someone stopping too abruptly in front of him led to him running off the road, over-correcting, and getting in a head-on collision as a result, taking his life instantly. His mother, my sweet aunt, offered this insight. She said that all those years of struggle and heartache through his substance abuse were preparing her for this. While it was hard to watch him throw his life away, his responsibility to his three children, his marriage, this was harder than anything she could have ever imagined. But all that heartache was preparing her for this moment, in her mind. I don't think she is happy he is gone, though I am sure she is comforted that it was a simple accident and not by his own choices like we always thought it might be. However, she, like you, is comforted to know that he is at the feet of our Savior. No, she didn't want to let him go, but she is finding peace in knowing that God has gotten her through so much in the past and that He has every intention of being with her through this. We are heartbroken, devastated, and sorrowful that he is no longer here. We found out, also, that the number of lives he has touched through his recovery is greater than we ever imagined. God didn't allow his suffering to be for nothing. I am so thankful for that, and while I wouldn't ask for him to go through all that again, I am thankful that it wasn't a life wasted, but a life that ended with Him glorifying our Creator. I know 36 yrs is a lifetime longer than 22 minutes. That pain will never go away, though with time it may get easier. But God will not let it be for nothing. He will use you, as I feel like He already is, in a way you may have never imagined possible. Thank you for your transparency and openness. You may never know all the people you touch, all the people Trent touches, through this blog and your story. Much love.

michelle hs said...

i agree that ian is not a replacement for trent or 'better than' trent. i don't know why God said 'no' to trent and 'yes' to ian. i don't know why God allows babies to die and like you i've accepted that my baby is not here on earth with me, but i have trouble with someone saying that God says 'no' because something better is coming along. i believe that God draws us closer to Him and somehow through all of these events the end goal is that we be drawn closer to Him. keep writing. i love your honesty and insight. hugs.

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