my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, April 21, 2012

reflections

As I sit this morning with my second cup of coffee in hand I can't help but thank God for all that I have. I laid in bed this morning as Ken and Ian took a bath together. I heard the giggles and water running. My heart was so full. The two people I love most in the world laughing and playing together. Bathing is such a simple act...but one of my favorites with Ian. He loves to splash in the water. He loves to splash water at mommy or daddy. He loves to dip his head under the faucet as it runs. His smile as he plays is contagious. Daddy and Ian are now on an adventure to find some yummy breakfast for us. (Giving me a few minutes of quiet to finally blog) I can't help but think about two years ago. What a difference my Saturday mornings were then. I would have been still asleep...or even still awake as I never found sleep. My heart hurt so bad in those days. I barely felt like breathing. Two years later I wake up to the sweetest face around. I wake up to Ian. I look around and this beautiful life I have and thank God. It doesn't seem like enough, my thanks. It seems like I need to give Him more. He gave me this beautiful son and amazing husband. He provides for my every need. He held me in my darkest days. He carried me in the moments I could no longer stand. I still have sad moments. I will sometimes run in to women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Trent. I see their energetic two year old and yearn for my boy. I watch Ian play with other kids and church and wish so very badly he had his big brother to play with every day. How can I have found joy again? How do I still have hope? I held my child as he died. I left the hospital with a box of only the few memories I had with him. I have come in contact with several moms in the last few weeks that are brand new to this world. I just emailed with one whose 10 day old son died of SIDS three weeks ago. I am broken hearted that babies continue to die. I hate that others know this pain. I can't tell them yet that they will smile again, that they will laugh again, that their house will be a place of joy again. But, one day they will. I don't know their grief...I only know mine. But, I know the pain of picking a final resting place for your child. I know the pain of walking back in your house, a house filled with baby stuff, with no baby. I don't know if it is harder to have 10 days or 22 minutes. What I do know is I will have all of eternity with my sweet Trent. I pray these mothers know Jesus so they too will see their babies again. I am so thankful for the gift that Ian is in my life. Today we are taking his first birthday pictures....AHHHH! Yes, we are a few weeks early but I want them back in time to pick one for his invitations. I can't believe that I have had 11 months with this little boy already. I REALLY can't believe God picked me to be his mommy. Ian climbs, eats dog food, plays in the toilet, splashes water in the bathtub, tries to eat anything he finds on the ground, pulls everything out of drawers and cabinets, plays in the trash can...all of this in the moments I leave him alone. He lights up a room with his dimpled smile. He laughs a laugh that will forever be music to my heart. He gives slobbery kisses I wish I never had to wash away. He leaves fingerprints I refuse to wipe away. He is my son.

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