my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

his first year

Oh how I dreamed of this day! How I prayed it would come!! How I begged God to let me see it... AND HERE WE ARE! Tomorrow is Ian's first birthday! A whole year with him!!! This morning I was loading Ian into the car and turned the radio on. "I can only imagine" was playing. I told Ian that we played that song at his big brother's funeral. And then lost it. I cried all the way to work. I thought of all I have had with Ian this year! All of the amazing milestones we have shared. All of the things we have watched. And, always it is there. The things we missed with our first born. The grief never ends. It never goes away. I live now. I live with the reality that I will never throw Trent a birthday party. Oh what an amazing year with Ian this has been. I was looking through all the pictures of him a few nights ago...over 11,000 total. God truly blessed us when He knitted Ian together in my womb. I remember when the doctor pulled him from my body. Ian did not cry right away. My heart stopped. The doctor had to suction his nose and throat to get him to cry. I still can't remember how it sounded (mostly because I was begging for something to drink! I WAS SOOOO THIRSTY!) But, when they handed him to me. My world stopped. What an amazing thing. KNOWING he was coming home with me. KNOWING how many people had prayed us through my pregnancy. Ian was loved from the minute the world knew he was growing. His big brother paved the road for that. This last year has brought me more joy than I can even explain. His first bath. His first doctor visit. His first smile. His first time nursing. His first time rolling over. His first crawl. His first steps. His first outing to a restaurant. His first time flying. His first time meeting grandparents, and great grandparents, and cousins, and uncles, and aunts, and friends. His first road trip. His first toy. His first air show. His first shoes. Oh, I could go on forever. And, of course things that broke mommies heart ... His first ear infection. His second ear infection. His seventh ear infection. His tube surgery. His hypospadisis surgery. His first bloody nose. His first big fall. He is fearless and scares mommy to death! What a year!! I thank God every single day for my sons. I know I don't get to be the mommy to Trent that I am to Ian. But, I will forever be his mommy too. Ian James is my heart! He is more than I could have ever asked for. I can't believe I nursed my BABY to sleep for the last time tonight!!! Tomorrow I will nurse a ONE YEAR OLD to sleep :( Thank you all for loving my boys...both of them.

2 comments:

Blondie said...

Trisha...Trent is an amazing little fellow whoeven though stayed with us less than 30 minutes...he left the biggest footsteps on our hearts. He is the reason you and I met and for the life of me...I feel like "auntee neecee". I have watched you grow your rainbow baby after the greatest loss in your life and have had the pleasure through FB to see Ian grow daily. You and Ken are amazing parents and Trent and Ian are lucky little boys to have had you as parents. You can always throw Trent a birthday party honey...bake a cake and release some balloons....he will receive every single one of them Love u girl!

Mary said...

Happy birthday Ian! Big brother is watching over you every day, I'm sure of it.

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